To Love Somebody

Three weeks have passed since Eisley joined our family. I don't know how to describe it, but she is perfect for us; she was made with the biggest dose of curiosity, just enough stubbornness, and too much sweetness to belong to anyone else.

Almost daily I think about all the little details of how she came into our lives, partly so I won't forget them and partly because I can't believe it actually happened. I had a lot of ideas about how her birth would happen, while still having limited expectations. I know I havent shared her birth story yet, but as much as it unfolded in a way i never expected, it was exactly what I needed it to be. What happened in those long hours have since given me so much comfort because I know just how far Jakub and I were pushed to our limits, and we are far stronger (together and individually) than I imagined.

It was the perfect way to start the journey into parenting: with all expectations thrown out the window and learning to take it moment by moment, knowing that we're capable of handling whatever comes. I feel so much stronger knowing that we made it through something I didn't want to happen, rather than my ideal scenario playing out.

I'm so glad that was our starting point as parents because things certainly haven't been as easy as I imagined. And it's even more important, knowing that every ounce of strength used in labor and the moments since, have clearly not come from my own doing.

While some days--and most nights--have been tough, this has been the absolute sweetest time of life. I've been filled with love and passion, and a hope about things that I hope only grows with time.
I'm pretty thankful for this little woman. In only three weeks she has taught me so much about humility, love, and peace.

It's so cliche but I didn't know this depth of love before miss Eisley James came on the scene and wrecked my world. It's a shame knowing she will have to live in this world for so many years before she has children of her own and finally gets let in on this secret kind of love. I guess I'll just have to smother her with kisses until she can feel it for herself.

A New Kind of Life

Let me tell you something... this past week has been nothing short of amazing. Little Eisley James Hartlieb was born last Tuesday, October 2, at 7:42 p.m. It's still hard to know exactly how to put into words what this little lady has done to my life. I knew I would have a love like never before, but to experience that love is completely different from just knowing that kind of love exists.

Not only have I experienced a deep love for my little girl, but my love and respect for Jakub has been expanded in ways I didn't know was possible or necessary. I thought I loved him as much as I could, but to go through the birth experience with him in such a vulnerable way, and for him to be my rock through it all, I am at a loss for words to describe just how perfect he is for me. And to have the chance to witness him being transformed by this new life has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You'll have to excuse me but with all these hormones, I'm just a big pile of sap.

 This first week has gone by so quickly but I've loved every minute of it with the two loves of my life. I'm planning on writing about the story of her birth, but that will have to wait for a day when I have more time and more words. Right now I'll just say thank you to everyone who prayed for us or sent encouraging words our way. We feel quite blessed at this moment in time.

Almost There

The past four weeks have flown by and  my due date has come and gone. I've been dilated to 1 cm since our 38 week midwife appointment, with little improvement since. It hasn't been as hard as I'd imagined to stay patient while waiting for this little fella. The past week especially has been pretty wonderful with all of the spontaneous little "last dates" for breakfast and coffee, or exploring the town. We've also had some really special times with our friends and I think this week has been such a great send off to how life has been, and we're now ready for this little person to join our lives.

Throughout the pregnancy, certain people have checked in with me to see if we're ready to be parents, to have this baby in our lives. Even a week ago when asked, we both just kind of sat there and then slowly murmured out, "we'll see," pretty unsure of what it would even mean to be ready. But yesterday morning, Jakub and I had a short conversation about how we're completely ready for this new phase. Note that I didn't say fully competent...who knows how that happens! But we don't have any reservations or last wishes.

 

I've been incredibly humbled by the generosity and love I've felt from friends this past week, and I think it certainly helps to feel ready knowing we're surrounded by people who really care for us. My brother's girlfriend has done several incredibly sweet things for me this week, including lunch, prayer, and flowers just because. One dear friend painted my toes because I couldn't reach them anymore.  A wonderful couple invited us over for a meal and we spent the most entertaining evening with them. And one loving lady stopped by with some sweet treats last night, when I was feeling less than graceful. I don't want to forget these little acts of kindness because they have meant the world to me, and sustained me in this waiting period. Jakub and I certainly feel blessed to be cared for in such tangible ways.

Hopefully this baby will make its appearance within the next week (I'm actually 41 weeks today--just behind on updates, obviously) I can only imagine the sort of love it'll experience from those around us, because lets face it, our friends and family may think we're neat but we don't stand a chance when compared to the soft skin and sweet smell of a little baby.

One More Down

I'll cut to the chase... this week something wonderful happened. I'm talking so good that for the past several days, the memories come back so fresh, it's like I'm experiencing it all over again. I'm wary to share this with you because it may take over an inappropriate amount of your life, but I feel like I wouldn't be kind if I kept it to myself.

photo via

That's right. A blueberry peach cobbler with a crust so perfect, you'll eat way more than you should. I made this recipe when we had some of our favorite people over, and even though I was going to my midwife for a weigh-in the next day, I ate the entire "single serving" ramekin that was before me. Jakub made some whipped cream that we put on top, and it was such a good combination that I didn't care if I gained 8 lbs from it, I wasn't going to leave one bit of it behind.

If you need a simple recipe that means business, choose this one. I couldn't imagine being disappointed by it. Any occasion would be the perfect time to whip this up.

As you can tell, I'm much rounder this week than I have been in the past, and the cobbler may have had something to do with it. [Worth it.] I feel like my belly has just exploded over the last few weeks, and I can't wrap my mind around the idea that we just have four more weeks left. 

You'd think I never learned about the birds and the bees because I keep asking myself, "how does this happen?!"

 At the midwife appointment that I mentioned earlier, I had gained a total of 32 lbs! I haven't mentally struggled with the idea of gaining weight this whole pregnancy, but I still have a couple weeks left and I was hoping that sort of number might be my end weight gain ha. I'm not worried though because I've been healthy and I feel great. The midwife did say as she was feeling around that we may be looking at an 8 pound baby. Now, yes, that is a larger size than I was hoping for, but I'll take that any day over my lovely husband's 11 pound entrance into the world.

Speaking of babies, I was sorting old pictures at my granny's house this week and found several of when I was younger. I'll just say this: if this baby is anything like me it's gonna take some time to adjust to this whole "being cute" thing. The only positive I had going for me as a baby was that I had a lot of hair (albeit static in almost every picture). But I was a pretty decent toddler. I know everyone thinks their baby is cute, but I can't see myself being completely blinded by love into thinking we got a hottie on our hands. If, on the off change that I'm not blind, I'll at least be able to hold onto the idea of potential. Because if I can do it, you can do it too little baby. (This is not to say I'll love my baby any less if it's not drop dead gorgeous. We'll just come up with other adjectives to describe them than the typical, "ohh this is the most beautiful baby in the world!" And really, that could be a good thing because then we can teach our kid that there's so much more to life than appearances).

Take for example, when you look down to see your 36-week-pregnant  feet swollen for the first time to the point where you can't hardly put your shoes on that you were wearing just a few hours earlier. No matter how normal that is for this stage of pregnancy, that's a good time to be reminded that beauty isn't everything. It's also a good time to be thankful for not being pregnant in the winter, when you actually need to have shoes on to go back home.

Week 36 was great, and the start of week 37 was even better. I'll be back later to talk about that.

35th Week

Over the course of the last several months, there are certain things I've noticed nobody seems to mention about being pregnant. Here's just a few I can think of at the moment:

 

• While everyone talks about constantly needing to pee, no one says anything about the increased cost you'll spend on toilet paper over the course of a pregnancy. It's been so shocking to me how quickly I can go through that stuff now that I'm heading to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes of the day. I guess I could've put two and two together, but I feel like maybe this should be in at least one of those articles on baby websites about "budgeting for baby" because it's an expense I certainly didn't consider.
• Get ready to be handicapped, or at least made to feel that way. I've had numerous people question if I should be driving simply because I'm pregnant. I know they are coming from a place of love, but I couldn't help but laugh the first time I was asked this. I don't understand why having a baby inside me suddenly makes my life hazardous. Maybe my pride is keeping me oblivious to certain things but I don't feel like danger is lurking behind every corner. I'm an able-bodied person and if I'm capable of birthing a child, I think I can handle driving a car, taking a hike, or wearing high heels. Although to be honest, you will not catch me in high heels anymore. Not because it's dangerous, but because I am enjoying comfort these days and I don't think yoga pants go with high heels.
• Another thing that caught me by surprise is just how entrenched some people can be in societal norms that, when you don't go along with them, people can't seem to understand why you would possibly do that. We've made a lot of decisions for this baby that aren't typical of American norms (but they are still completely safe and rational), and each step of the way has been met with people utterly bewildered as to why we wouldn't just do what is normal. I was expecting to hear plenty of unsolicited advice when I got pregnant about how to give birth and raise my baby, but I didn't think nursery colors or deciding to cloth diaper would be topics up for discussion too. Everyone has the right to do things the way they see fit, and other people shouldn't worry about little details unless it poses a risk. However, I'm fairly certain that choosing not to decorate in traditional boy/girl color schemes will not harm the child's psyche.
• No one told me that I was not allowed to have normal feelings during pregnancy. Or that my normal feelings would be taken as raging pregnancy hormones, even when I was simply expressing an opinion, completely void of any "raging" tendencies. Don't you hate when it's your time of the month and when you respond a certain way, someone puts it off as you PMSing? Well, after 8 straight months of that, it's gotten old. I am completely aware of the instances that my hormones made me react in a way other than I would ordinarily choose, and those instances have been very limited and Jakub is one of the only two individuals to witness them. And when my hormones do get the best of me, I am just a blubbering idiot, not a woman on a rampage. But, if you want me to go on a rampage, simply look at me crazy and tell me I'm being hormonal. Then I might turn into the pregnant version of the Hulk.
• Another thing no one mentioned is just how much it means when a perfect stranger tells you you look beautiful, or makes a sweet remark about your belly. A lot of times (in my experience) the people closest to you can respond to your changing body in ways that make you feel like you just busted into the room like the Kool Aid man. I'm sure their shock to how your growing is simply because, in all the time they've known you, you haven't had a 5.5 lb. baby inside of you. That's why it's nice to be in a place surrounded by strangers: they're seeing you for the first time, as a cute pregnant lady, and the chances that one of them saying something lovely is high. They're also more conscious of what they're saying to you. I've had the pleasure of having several people stop me just to tell me I'm beautiful pregnant, and it has always seemed to be when I needed to hear it the most. Having random people stop me to talk about my beauty is not something I'm used to, but it made me question: why aren't we all doing this to each other regularly?! It's an amazing thing and you should try it, whether you're pregnant or not.
• To be fair, a few people have told me this last one: it's really not that bad. I'm definitely in the phase where doing just about anything is inconvenient or uncomfortable, but people make pregnancy out to be so much worse than it really is. Maybe it all depends on your mindset and if you believe in all the stereotypical b.s., but my pregnancy has been great. Yes, I have broken down and told Jakub that I'm ready for the baby to come out, but it's purely for selfish reasons like when I want to sleep on my stomach, or fit into pants, or have a glass of wine. Just the other week, a woman at the flea market stopped to tell me that it's really not that bad. That people who have had bad experiences want to tell you all about it, but the people who had great experiences don't feel the need to stop you and tell you all the things you need to do or all the things that are sure to happen. She was referring to childbirth, but I think the same can be said for pregnancy. While I haven't gone through childbirth yet, I have gotten married, and people were doing the same thing with marriage. When we were engaged, just about all we heard was people saying, "oh, get ready..." blah blah blah. They made it seem like it was the end of happiness, and that the only way we could find happiness was to be the first one to make our spouse miserable. Yes, marriage can be hard work, but it's the most fun I've ever had. Pregnancy comes with it's inconveniences, but it's so rewarding and exciting to experience. And I can bet that childbirth, raising a baby, or any other new experience we have will have it's fill of difficulties, but will ultimately be outweighed by the goodness in it. 

So, to those of you that are pregnant or will one day be pregnant, don't take to heart all the advice everyone has to offer. Think for yourself and be confident in who God made you and the mind he gave you.

And to those of you who are related to, or in any way aware of, someone who is pregnant and you're thinking about putting in your two cents, shut it down! Instead, tell her she will love being pregnant, that she is strong enough to endure childbirth, and she will be a brilliant new mom. If you want to add even more joy and comfort to her life, tell her she's got a beautiful body. But not in a creepy way. That won't help anyone.

Six Weeks

Six measly weeks.

 That's how much time is left before my little family grows to three, before our lives are changed forever, before we each take on new roles and new experiences that make us into different people. 

Each day that passes brings more preparations that need to be taken care of for this expansion, but I can honestly say that I'm ready. At least for the moment, I'm ready. I'm ready to put in the work to get this baby into the world. I'm ready to see everything with new eyes, and I'm ready to experience it all with Jakub.

Most of all, I'm ready to show this baby what beauty the world has to offer. The past several weeks in particular, our time has overwhelmingly been spent in the company of some amazing individuals, some of which were perfect strangers. If there was ever a time in which I understood why God made us for community, it is now. My heart has been thirsting for a life like this, and it feels so good to be moving toward individuals the way I was created to. It's amazing how much richer life becomes when you take the time to be more intentional with the people around you, from the people standing next to you in line to the people you see day in and day out. I'm ready to show this baby what love can do in the world. And I know that sentence just oozes idealism and, perhaps to some, naivety, but I don't care! It's authentic and powerful, and that's enough for me.

Before I go I should probably give a little update because lets be honest, who knows how long it will be until I post again! I've been in my third trimester since I last posted and since then, I've had a few midwife appointments, ate my way through Oregon for the third time, had the most wonderful baby shower, and spent too many nights with incredible people up way passed my bedtime. Did I mention I'm up to about two naps a day on average? By that statement alone it's clear to see I'm living the good life! Until next time, friends!

26 Weeks, a Birthday, and Some Thoughts

 You know what's lovely? Having a chef for a husband on your birthday, because you get the most delicious breakfast in bed.

He made me brioche french toast stuffed with strawberries and mascarpone cheese with blackberry syrup, with a side of bacon and then homemade banana pudding (as if the french toast wasn't dessert enough), all with a big glass of chocolate milk. What can I say, the guy knows the way to my pregnant heart.

With each bite of the french toast, I kept saying to myself, "this can't be real. nothing is this good!" (And again, I was talking to myself so you know I wasn't just trying to make Jakub feel good about his efforts...I was dumbfounded). I'm pretty sure if you could see my face, you would have thought I was in pain. But oh, I was in heaven in the worst way. I also spent that time rethinking what my life would be like if I hadn't married such a fantastic cook, how sad and mundane my life would be if I had just married any ol' bloat. Then I couldn't believe that we had been together for almost five years and this was the first time he was making it for me! I almost felt like he was holding on me for all these years.

 He's made some incredible meals during our days together, but french toast is on a whole other level of goodness, and luckily this breakfast will find a permanent resting place on a special holiday yet to be determined. That way, our future kids will always have at least one thing to point to as proof that life is good, and that their parents are worth putting up with. Well, at least Jakub. I may have to find something up my own sleeve to keep them hooked.

Aside from being a great chef, Jakub is also incredibly thoughtful and can make even the most simple moments special. My birthday was filled with so many instances of this. From the gift he made to surprising me with a prenatal massage at the Canebrake--that's right, I got to go back to those massage rooms I was talking about in my last post, and it was a dream come true!--to the nighttime bike ride, and the midnight adventure outside, every moment was special because he was right there with me. I know this is just a big puddle of sap, but what can I say, he did this to me! There was no one else I wanted to spend each of those experiences with, and I was so thankful to be sharing those moments together before the baby comes.

It seems like the past 26 weeks have been a stockpile of amazingly ordinary moments that deepen our understanding of each other, both individually and as a couple, and highlight what sort of values we consider to be important for the future of our family.

I hope we both keep creativity at the forefront of how we experience life and demonstrate love. I hope we take the time to step out of our routines to enjoy little moments, and I hope we teach our children to be explorers and scientists, artists and thinkers. I hope we give them the encouragement to take risks and the confidence to know that we will love them no matter what. I want them to feel comfortable to talk to us about issues and I hope I'm in tuned enough to know what they need for each moment, whether it's encouragement or the opportunity to figure things out the hard way. Most importantly, I want them to know and feel the love of God. I want to teach them that it's more than doing the right things or having it all together; that some of the most important times in their lives will be when nothing looks like it makes sense. That in those moments, they need to be still and vigilant, because God will show up and do something out-of-this-world, but they'll miss it if they're not careful.

I can't imagine how hard it is as a parent to make the decision to let your kid make mistakes or learn things through difficulty. But I don't want to become their savior in circumstances and in doing so, make them miss the glimpses of God and his magnificent love and power. I don't want to get in the way of the things God could teach my children. As Meg reminded me the other day, God didn't say he'd keep you from the fire; he said that he would be with you through it. He didn't say he wouldn't let the water get too deep; he said he wouldn't let it overtake you. My kids will go through valleys and storms, but he'll be there and he can get them through it better than Jakub and I could.

Even though I have all sorts of ideas of what I think is important in a family and plans on how to get things accomplished, who knows what sort of parent I'll actually be. I have no idea what it will actually be like until I'm in the thick of it and until I learn how this little baby fits into our family. There are so many factors that go into a life, and a family; I just hope I remember to give myself grace in the moments I get away from the parent I hope to be. I guess those moments are there for parents to show kids that it's ok to be flawed. Hopefully my pride won't get in the way of showing them what it means to live in community with each other.

Man... there's just so much that goes into being a parent! How is there enough time to get all of this across in a way that they recognize it and hold onto it, without turning every moment into a lesson?

Oh geez, I'm doing it again; I'm worrying about things that will come in their own timing, and today is definitely not the day to be concerned with them.

Update: weeks 17-20

Life has just been getting away from me lately! I'm now in week 25, but I wanted to do a couple posts to catch up from my absence.

I left off on week 17. There wasn't much happening this week, but I remember loving spending this day with Jakub, exploring the woods and eating some wood sorrel that he foraged. It is such a peaceful memory that reminds me of how much fun I can have with this guy I married.

I remember feeling so big in this picture, and now I find that pretty amusing.

During this week, something unimaginable happened: I had signs of those erratic hormonal breakdowns that are synonymous with pregnancy. I thought up until now that maybe I would defeat the odds and remain completely sane during my pregnancy. I was sadly mistaken. However, they didn't come in their full force until a few weeks later. This week it was as if they were new to the neighborhood and just stopped by to introduce themselves. By week 23, they were showing their true colors and now (week 25) I feel like someone needs to be calling the cops to make a noise complaint.

The picture for week 19 was taken on our way home after our trip to see our baby kick and cuddle on the ultrasound screen. It seemed so much more real than the first two ultrasounds, where we were supposed to believe that the blob we were looking at was actually a baby. Up until that baby was on the screen, I was still convincing myself that I couldn't really be pregnant, that it was all in my head.

It was so exciting to see all of its little features, and to glance at Jakub as he watched this little being who was resting inside me. We didn't want to find out the sex, and luckily the technician did a great job at keeping things hidden (with the exception of two images, that each look to be telling of a different sex, which is a good thing I suppose because it keeps you guessing.)

Our due date got moved up a few days to September 20th. I was worried that we were going to have a big baby since I'm measuring three weeks further along, but thankfully this baby is being respectful to me at the moment and measuring at a normal weight.
 

Week 20 came with a much-needed trip to Chicago. I got to see my cousin, Margaret, and my aunt and uncle, as well as Grandma Puckett! I loved getting to have a glimpse into my cousin's life in Chicago. She really is one of the most interesting people I feel you could ever meet, so I felt rather privileged to have her to myself for several hours.

We ate at some amazing places while in Chicago! From Ria (a 2 Star Michelin restaurant) to Moto, the Aviary, and Hot Doug's, we ate to our hearts' content.

Jakub was pretty upset that we couldn't eat at Alinea. To make it worse, they called while we were in the air with news of an open table, but when Jakub returned the call it was already filled. To make it up to him, I just so happened to spot Grant Achatz at the airport just in time for Jakub to grab an autograph! It was such a funny thing to see him go from disappointed about not eating there, to super excited about the call, to completely bummed, and back to a grinning little boy after shaking his hand and knowing that his wife could spot a famous chef (perhaps better than he).

We had such a great trip, but it opened my eyes to how different a vacation is when you're pregnant!

I'll be posting the second half of the update soon, and then hopefully I'll get back in the swing of doing this regularly. It's awfully hard to keep track of things as time passes.

An Update

The past few weeks have flown by. I feel like time is speeding up--how can we already be this far along into the pregnancy?! These last few weeks have been such an enjoyable time spent together just the two of us. All the concerts, bike rides, and nights out with friends have not gone unnoticed. Neither have all of the times spent sleeping in or doing whatever we pleased.

I know this chapter of our life is coming to an end as another is just beginning. I know that once we have that baby in our life we won't be able to imagine who we would be without it.  But until that moment, I want to take every chance I get to appreciate what a great life I have already, living with my fancy guy and our two crazy pups. I want to take in every opportunity we have to understand each other more and to know how to work within our strengths and weaknesses. Because if there's one thing I've learned from my family about raising kids is that it can be one heck of a ride, and I want to be a family that stays together through it all. I want to be for my kids what my mom and dad was for me.

 I must admit, I've desperately wanted kids since we first got together. We weren't sure if it would ever happen, so when it did I was surprised by my reaction. Maybe everyone goes through this because it is such a life-changing event, but I was not excited from the first moment as I had previously imagined my reaction would be. In fact, I had many talks with God along the lines of, "listen, we really don't have to do this."

There were moments of excitement and joy, but for the most part I was terrified of what this meant. This kid is going to go through heartache and awful situations, and in many ways I am going to mess up as a parent. I was struggling with myself on trying to figure out how I might protect it from certain situations, but then also realizing that some of the worst situations I had been in is where God showed his greatest displays of love to me. I want to keep them safe, but how could I steal that opportunity from them to know just how deeply God cares for them specifically. I can imagine this is a struggle that will only increase as I come to know and love this person inside of me. But for the longest time I was gripped with fear about what lay ahead.

That is, until week 15 when a day came and I was utterly excited about this new life. No event or conversation sparked this new feeling, but I was content and at peace with everything I had previously been anxious about.

 

*-

I still have moments where I over-think what the future will bring, but I am overwhelmingly excited now. I don't know if it's because of all the events that have taken place this last few weeks or what, but it's getting more real and I'm falling in love with the idea.

Week 16 started out with a little DIY makeover of one ugly old dresser to be used for the changing area. We tried to pick a fairly gender neutral color because we may be waiting until the baby arrives to find out if it's a girl or a boy.

I'm not so sure I can hold out another 5 more months after perusing the baby clothes aisles with April last week! I stayed away because I had a feeling that it would make me go weak in the knees, and I was right! Thinking of this little person living in some of those cute outfits made it feel real in the cutest, gushiest way I'd ever experienced.

We also ordered the crib and mattress and assembled it right when it came to our door. As we were putting it together, I looked around at the dresser, stroller and car seat, and the crib that was now standing in my old craft room, and was stunned that this is legitimately happening.

In fact, it may be happening sooner than we think! At our appointment today, my midwife measured me and said that I'm measuring 3 weeks further along than I am... I'm measuring at 19 weeks! At our previous appointment, I was measuring about 2 weeks further along. This means that we're either looking at a big freaking baby or we may be further along than we thought! For my sake, I'm hoping for the latter. We'll know for sure when we go to our ultrasound next month what we should be preparing for: an earlier date, or practicing more squats to get my body ready for that enormous endeavor!

Either way I can't wait to do this with Jakub and the rest of our family and friends! What an adventure it will be.

Week Thirteen

Yesterday Jakub and I went searching for morels on our friend's land. Every time we go exploring there, it's a completely unique experience. I may be partial since it's the place we got engaged, but it's one of my favorite places in Oklahoma. Every time we're there I think about the past and where our lives are now, and just how lucky I am to be his wife.

Although we had no luck in finding morels, we had quite the lovely hike on the most perfect rainy day. It rained almost the entire 3 hours we were there, but there were a few breaks in the clouds so we grabbed the opportunity to take our weekly pictures. Here's a few of my favorites, but I must say, I love how talented my husband is.

I also love that I have a partner who loves to explore outside no matter the weather or circumstances. It makes me feel secure that our little one will have a full life, not limited by such trivial things as a little rain or what have you. I'm getting very excited in thinking about all of the experiences we will give our baby.

On some level, I worry about how other parents or adults might view our style of parenting. Although we haven't actually developed our own style yet, I see a lot of parents who constantly tell their children "no" and while I understand their reasoning behind it, I don't think that we will always be giving the same advice in the same situations. I'm thankful that I'm going to school for a career that gives me a lot of training and knowledge when it comes to the stages of life and what good parenting looks like. Like most parents I fully intend to be the best parent I can, but I think my view of a good parent looks different from a lot of the people around me. And while I obviously will care more about how my parenting is affecting my child, I will also be concerned that some things I may (or may not) do will offend, or at least inconvenience, those around me.

That went further off topic than I initially imagined, but it is a concern I think I need to "air out."

On another side note, nothing will make you feel freer than wearing some rain boots on a hike like the one we took yesterday. I've gone out to that land many times in my vans, having to vigilantly place my feet in a strategic pattern. But rain boots make you feel like you can conquer the world. I think I purposely stepped in every puddle, stream, or river on that property yesterday, each time with an air of confidence and rebellion.

The night before last, we went to an amazing concert. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, with Rocco Deluca opening for them, at the Cain's Ballroom. I love watching bigger bands perform and interact together. And they definitely brought an energy to the Cain's through their music and performance that set the crowd on fire. Granted, there were a bunch of hippies there, I'd never seen a crowd so collectively happy at a concert before. It was the baby's "first" concert and and it was such a neat experience. Speaking of, in the middle of one of the songs Alex, the lead singer, asked if anyone was pregnant there. A few hands shot up and he was like "wow!" and then after a short pause continued, " what I mean by that, is just the miracle of life...WOOOOWW!!!!" It was so funny to watch him get excited about that thought, and honestly so random. I mean, have you ever been to a concert where they interrupt for such a topic? It was certainly a first for me. 

I loved that night, and luckily the three of us have a couple more concerts to look forward to in the next week, and then also in April. 

I couldn't ask more for my life right now, I'm so content and feel so lucky to be a part of all that is happening.

Also on that note, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has offered support or well-wishes since we shared our news. It has been so heart warming to know we are so loved!

And one last thing about this past week (when I was 12 weeks), which I will keep it short because this is a long post. We had an appointment with our midwife and when she began to measure me, she exclaimed that I was growing right along, and then saw that I measured at 14 weeks! She said that there's a possibility I could be further a long than we are thinking, or the baby might have gone through a growth spurt. We won't find out until our 20 week ultrasound if we are as far along as we previously thought, or if this baby is just growing at its own pace (which hopefully will not equal a big baby!) I guess we'll just have to wait and see! 

Have a good day everyone! Thanks for reading!

First Comes Love

Take a look at a little stop motion video Jakub and I created over the weekend (let it fully load for a minute):


Untitled from rachel hartlieb on Vimeo.

That's right, we're having a baby! I think we were both quite shocked, truth be told, but we're so excited to see what adventures this little baby will bring us. I had been told over and over that it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive. I wanted a baby so bad, but figured it would take years of trying or spending money on treatments or on an adoption process for us to actually have children.

Although the reality of being pregnant, and one day having a child and raising that child to be a healthy, sane individual is quite terrifying at the moment, I know that God is good. He heard my prayers and had a plan in motion when I was still so anxious about the uncertainty of how my dreams would become a reality.

The whole story of how this came to be is another reminder for me that I have no reason to doubt God and how he works things into being. To have such a glimpse into His love at the very beginning of this child's life is a great way to start my journey into parenthood; I just need to trust Him and be willing to go where He leads because He will get me where I'm supposed to be at the appropriate time.

No matter what happens with the coming changes, I can rest in the fact that He has the ultimate say in my life: not doctors, life circumstances, or even myself. And I'm so thankful in that.

He has made beauty from ashes.

However, on the baby note: It appears that I will be due September 23, 2012. We've had two ultrasounds already and that little dream baby is growing just as it should be! Right now it's a little over 1 cm long. At our first ultrasound, it was .75 cm and I couldn't understand how something so tiny could have a heartbeat. That is, until Jakub reminded me that ants have hearts. What a guy, huh?

I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more on the blog about this liminal stage we've entered into. Hope you'll join us for the ride!

To Grandmother's House We Go

photo via

It's time to go and I can hardly stand it. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, fighting sleep because of anticipation of the coming morning.

In just a few short hours I will be making my way, along with Jakub, my parents, my brother and sister, and all of their kids, to the grand ol' city of Pataskala, Ohio. We'll be celebrating Thanksgiving with some of my favorite people on earth.

Did I mention Grandma Puckett will be there?! (you can read more about her here, if you are one of the few to not have heard of her yet). And on top of that, her food will be there in all its glory.

Since living in Oklahoma, holidays have been somewhat of a disappointment. I love big family gatherings, and frankly, we just don't have the numbers in this town. I love my family here but there's something about all the noise and laughter that I can't get enough of.

I can't wait to be with my cousins again, and for Jakub to see what Ohio is like. He hasn't met a lot of my family yet from Ohio so that will be exciting.

I hope everyone has a great week, and if you're having a difficult time coming up with something to be thankful for, I highly recommend you read this post. It opened up a whole new selection of topics for when you have to go around the table and tell what you're thankful for. Definite conversation starters, I'd say.

Mercy

 I will sing of your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

 And though the pain is an ocean,

You have calmed greater waters;
Higher mountains have come down

--Jars of Clay

I'm about at my breaking point with all that is going on around me. Even though this is an uncomfortable--and completely bewildering--place to be, I know this is where I need to be.

I feel as though the breath has been knocked out of me and I am gasping, just waiting for it to return. 

His ways are not my ways and his knowledge goes far beyond mine. Life is relentless and I'm just thankful that I have a God in whom I can take refuge. My family, and my spirit seem to be getting attacked from every corner. There's no way I can do this on my own.

God is faithful, and his promises are true. He is mighty to save; he won't let you go. Above all, God is love. He has proven himself over and over, I have nothing to fear.

[note: I know this is vague; I can't seem to get much more out than this at this moment. Maybe one day.]

Party Time

Today, we are celebrating my nephew's birthday! He turns 11, and to commemorate this milestone I made some manly cupcakes.

Because, really, nothing says "it's time to party" like funfetti cupcakes and chocolate mustaches!

I used this as inspiration; here's how:

Step 1: Pipe melted chocolate onto wax paper in the shape of a mustache of your choosing.

Step 2: Once dried, turn over and glue toothpick on with extra melted chocolate, and let chill.

Step 3: Make sure it works!Then decorate cupcakes however you choose.

Easy as that! 1-2-3.

We're also going paintballing, something I've never done, and frankly, I'm terrified of doing. It is an experience I don't want to miss though. I'm sure after today, I'll see my family in a new light!

It's also so neat that this is the first birthday of his that I'll get to be present for, and I am so excited; he's one fancy kid! These are the times I live for.

But for now, it's time to go fight my battle. Wish me luck!

It's Just One of Those Days...

photo via

You know those days where you wake up and the air seems to be clearer, the birds are more chipper, and everything just exudes a certain amount of electricity that on other days you can't help but miss?! Well folks, today is one of those days for me! I think this is due, in part, to a few things:

• I am truly enjoying my life right now, so much so that I have nearly stopped looking towards the future with anxiety (which is so unlike me). I've always felt a desperate need to know the direction my life was going in, but now I am basically giving up on that and just enjoying each moment and being aware of how each one is changing me into the woman I'll need to be in the future. 

• At 23, my life is about learning to balance responsibility while maintaining youthfulness. I think not stressing about the future has given me so much time to realize where I am now and to really enjoy this stage in life. It's the first time where I actually feel my age and it's so nice! Taking advantage of every opportunity (and challenge) that comes my way, instead of worrying about the "what if's" in life has helped me to see life and love in a more beautiful picture than what I was used to.

• After not having to be employed for the last two years, it was quite a shock to my system to have to take up so much responsibility for my family. There were so many moments that challenged my selfish nature, as well as my spiritual beliefs; it's been harder than I thought but it has also been so rewarding. I have a better idea of the kind of person I am and I'm so glad I wasn't given the opportunity to stay the way I was, because I know I would have; it would've been the easier road, but I would not know what I am capable of. There have been things each step of the way that I have been terrified of, and luckily each step of the way I have had to overcome those things. Living outside of yourself is the only way to really live, and I see that now.

• I have been so inspired by everything around me lately and it has completely affected the thoughts that come into my head. I've loved watching my husband get inspired and experiment with new things. Seeing his excitement for things has given me a new sense of joy that I hadn't known before. We've had so much fun working with each other to make a life for ourselves that is completely unique to our tastes and beliefs. I see the kind of man he is and it just gives me so much hope. Life is an amazing thing and I can't seem get enough of it!

Life in 33 Days (Image Heavy)

I've been absent quite a while from this here blog and I think it's about time I cut that out! I haven't been absent for lack of topics to talk about. In fact, I've had an overload of life lately and sometimes in order to process it all, you just have to move through it and then at some point, look back and piece things together. So much has happened in these last several weeks and I feel like I have a million stories and thoughts to tell you! How about I start with something that I've been talking about for (quite literally) months without any sign of making headway!

Drum roll please......

That's right, I FINALLY finished my 50's inspired two-piece swimsuit last week! Just in time for a Sunday lake trip with some of the best friends around. Unlike my attempt last year at making my own swimsuit, this one held up to the water test (that is, everything stayed where it was supposed to when it got wet ha). I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. It takes a while to get used to wearing such high-waisted bottoms, but really, I feel so much more comfortable and confident in this style of suit than a modern two-piece. ( I mean, I can sit and not feel like I'm a lazy slob, which is always a plus). It also helps to satisfy my desire to live in that era. I love the clothes and style of the 1950s, but would I really want to live without the modern conveniences? ehh....

Aside from that, here's just a few other noteworthy events that have happened since my last post:

I got a ukulele and I'm actually getting the hang of it! I can already see there will be plenty of "jam sessions" with my dear friend meg, so watch out everyone, we may get famous.

We took a trip to the zoo, with my parents and all of the nieces and nephews, including these two:

Jakub and I fixed up this little table we found at an estate sale. I'll show the finished product another time. That process, from start to finish, is rather addicting so you may be seeing more additions later on.

I've been spending a lot of quality time with my brother's kids and it has been the time of my life! This little lady isn't too fond of females so when she sat on my lap, I had to document it! Unfortunately, this was the only picture I was able to snap before she was off. But don't you worry, she's taken a fancy to me and we'll have plenty more.

My nephew, Jesiah (top row, second from right), finished up his first t-ball season. This has been a highlight of my summer and an experience unlike anything else!

Did I mention, he scored the last two outs of the last game! We were all so proud!

She has Jakub wrapped around her finger, and I don't blame him!

Everyone got together last night and it was full of laughter, good food, games, and love

To welcome my Grandma Puckett, Aunt Karen, and Uncle Scott to town! Every moment with these people is so special.

Since my birthday, my life has been centered on family, both physically and theoretically. It goes without saying that I have had some great times with these people, but we have also experienced some heart-wrenching moments together in this time period. Moments that have challenged my ideas on what it really means to be family, and what aspects are pivotal to community. This has been an extreme period in time in which my whole being has been challenged every which way the wind blows. Through it all, I have seen that God is good and though it doesn't all quite make sense yet, my view of God's love and how he calls us to love has been heightened. I'm sure I'll expand on some thoughts in the coming days, but I just wanted to say, I'm still kicking and hopefully I won't be absent that long in the future.

Tightrope Walker

Does this make anyone else want to get up on a tightrope?! I feel this should go on my list of things to accomplish. It would definitely lead to a more successful life, no? I guess it depends on how you define success.

Hope everyone's having a happy Tuesday! Tonight I will be cheering on my nephew in his first t-ball game, along with the rest of my family. This sort of thing also leads to a more successful life.

Let's Get Lovey Dovey

photo via

If I am someone who feels God's love regularly, and still craves it more than anything, how much more does someone who doesn't get a taste of it. If I drink water every day, I'll still get thirsty and the water will refresh me, but how much more satisfying is it for someone who has been searching for water but not had a drink in several days?! How much more do they long for the touch of water upon their dry lips.

I watched a youtube video of the magician, Penn, who is a self-proclaimed atheist. He talked about how he had this experience with a Christian coming up to him after his show to give him a Bible and how genuine the Christian was. He said that he didn't respect people that didn't proselytize. Even though most atheists don't want people to proselytize he said, "If you believe that there's a heaven and hell, and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life or whatever, and you think that it's not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward...how much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize? How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible, and not tell them that?"

This thought has been with me ever since and has affected my entire being. Yet, I realized something last night. I was at church, praying to feel God's love, grace, peace, and joy. Then it hit me: people around me need to feel his love too. People that are certain God doesn't love them, doesn't give grace to them, doesn't give rest to them, and doesn't bring joy in their lives... they need to feel it too; they need to know, yes, they are unworthy, but God doesn't do things on the basis of our actions. His love is unconditional, truly.

I had been saying that I love my sister unconditionally, and I really believed it. If she keeps pushing us away and all I want is to be close with her, then I must love her unconditionally, no matter what she does. But really, I was loving her selfishly. I was loving her for my benefit. I was loving her so I could get what I wanted.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous"
        --Matthew 5:44-45

God loves me in an insanely beautiful way and I am supposed to mirror that to others so that it's not my love, but God's pouring out into the world. My love is jaded; His is pure. God gives out his love evenly and without thinking twice. He does it simply because he is good and altogether lovely. As a Christian, I am called to love like that, which is clearly impossible for me to do. That is why it is better to act as a mirror, so that it is God's love being shown and nothing of me but the willingness to shine for his glory.

I have had to prepare myself for the reality of my sister dying if she stayed in a deadly lifestyle. Last night, I realized, I have been certain that she would die, yet I never showed her Christ's love. She has never felt the kind of love that Jesus offers come through me. How could I be so selfish in a time when I have been so certain of destruction? My love should not be poured out only if she does things I agree with. I mean, really, how often does God agree with the things I do? Probably slim to none, and he still loves me with a jealous love.

Several years ago, I read in the book, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus, a saying that has captured my heart: "L'amour de Dieu est folie--the love of God is foolishness. And Jesus says it is a foolishness that is meant to call forth joy." God's love is crazy! Loving like this is so unnatural and scary, but when it's experienced, there is nothing so freeing! I am supposed to love recklessly, and without ceasing. I don't need to base my love for others off of what they can bring to the table; God satisfies me and gives me everything I need. Everything I need is in him, so I should be foolish with my love.

I don't want to hold my love hostage anymore!

p.s. Here's a few more excerpts from the book that I found highlighted when looking for this (read them, they're mmm mmmm good):

• The Tremendous Lover, in the words of Francis Thompson, has pursued us relentlessly and declared Himself without reservation. "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in My love."
• What does this mean for our own maturing into the fullness of Christ? In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul says, " If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" For Paul, a new creation meant a total renovation of the inner self, a change of mind and heart. It meant far more than the passive union achieved in water baptism. To be "in Christ, " he told the Philippians, means to have in you the mind of Christ Jesus, to think as Christ thought, to have the ideals Christ had, to throb with the desires that filled Christ's heart, to replace all your natural actions to persons, events and circumstances with the response of Jesus Christ. In a word, a christocentric life means to live in the heart of Jesus, to share His tastes and aversions, to have the same interests, affections and attitudes, to be motivated in everything by His loving compassion. It means making the habitual thought patterns of Jesus Christ so completely your own that truly "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."
• This was the triumph of the Spirit in a disciple named Francis from the village of Assisi. Romano Guardini once said that "Francis allowed Jesus Christ to become so transparent in his personality that his contemporaries called him 'the Christ of Umbrai'" Why are the personalities of so many pious and proper Christians so opaque? Why do we seldom hear what the old lawyer said of John Vianner: "An extraordinary thing happened to me today: I saw Christ in a man!" Why doesn't the radiant loveliness of the Lord stream from our personalities? In the definition of Noah Webster, we aren't we "diaphanous or easily seen through"? Why aren't we windows into Jesus, working, laughing, crying, playing, loving? Why aren't we transparent disciples?

p.p.s. I apologize if this is a jumbled mess of thoughts; I've had epiphany after epiphany and my little ol' fingers can only type so fast and I'm too excited to sit and organize these thoughts. I really appreciate each of you reading this honkin' post!