Update: weeks 21-24

 When we came back from Chicago, we had our midwife appointment, and I was happy to hear that I finally put on some weight! Until then (or the previous midwife appointment), I had only gained 1 pound throughout the pregnancy. I was somewhat nervous because I should've gained more by then. But it finally caught up with me and in that month I had a whopping 8 lbs. of pregnancy added to me.

The night before our appointment (May 10th), Jakub felt the baby kick for the first time. I had to ask him if he felt it before he realized that that was the feeling he was looking for, but it was such a neat experience. Then the night before Mother's Day (May 12th), this little baby was kicking stronger than it ever had. When Jakub put his hand on my belly and felt it he just started laughing; I didn't even need to see if he missed it or not. It was so neat to finally get to experience it together rather than it be my own entertainment. Jakub's never felt a baby move inside of a belly before so I was so thrilled for the three of us to experience this together for the first time, each in a different way.

My mom also felt the baby kick on Mother's Day, and the baby was kicking just as strongly at that moment. This baby knows when to perform, and it was such a neat experience to share with my mom on such a special day. I'm not too keen on the holiday myself because it just sounds so grownup but I love celebrating it for my mom. And it felt like this was a present in itself, connecting us in a way that we had never known before.

On another note, somewhere between week 22 and 23, acid reflux came in full force and has been close beside me ever since. This is also the time when my new neighbors (hormones) started making themselves comfortable so this was one crazy week of changes for me (and Jakub).

For those of you who don't know, I'm planning on doing a natural water birth with my wonderful midwife, Ruth Cobb. At first we were planning on doing a home birth, but Ruth recently opened up a birth center here in Tulsa, and the tub there is calling my name! Not to mention the selection of loose leaf teas that I'm sure Jakub will be taking advantage of! Although I'd love to do a home birth, it seems like this would be the perfect place for us to welcome a baby into our family at this time.

I'm also planning on using the Hypnobabies  childbirth course for my birth. I started the course in week 23 and I am absolutely loving it! I started out studying Hypnobirthing, but this program seems to be much more complete in teaching you everything you need to know for pregnancy and birth. They also use the same techniques as individuals needing surgery who are allergic to anesthesia, so they have a higher "success rate" compared to hypnobirthing. Even if it doesn't produce a pain-free birth, it has already benefited me in changing my thinking habits about pregnancy and birth, as well as given me confidence in myself that I hadn't otherwise had. That in itself is worth the program in my opinion. 

Also, this is the week that I had to start putting effort into getting in and out of my car, getting dressed, and putting on shoes. I distinctly remember telling Jakub I never wanted to be obese because you have to put so much more work into getting around, and I like things to be as easy as they come.

 

In week 24 we had our last planned concert for the pregnancy. It was such a lovely show! Even if you don't like Bon Iver, I think you would've enjoyed the show. That could just be because my lousy "neighbors" decided to crash the party and I ended up crying through a good portion of the concert! I just couldn't take that much beauty, creativity, and spirit in one moment. I felt like a complete cheeseball, but luckily no one noticed!

I'm glad that my wild emotions don't just come out for ugly moments, when things aren't going my way. It makes me feel a little less crazy that I can feel so overwhelmed by beauty and peace, and by people enjoying a moment that it takes over me. It definitely makes me feel more human, and I feel like for this time I have a new perspective of the goodness of life and God's creativity. And for that, I can't complain.

Yet Another List

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"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

I have been quiet in this space lately. It's not because I haven't wanted to write, but rather, I couldn't find my voice. In many aspects of my life, this has been a season for me to not talk. To instead, be still and know. Or, in many cases, be still and learn. Sometimes it was even, be still and just wait. And to be honest with you, it's quite comforting to shut up sometimes and not try to have the right thing to say.

While my voice has been astray, my mind has still been going as wild as ever. I've been reading some good books that have challenged me and I hope to discuss them another time. However, for this post I'd like to take a minute to look back at my list of goals I made last year and to see what goals I have cookin' for this year.

As I read through the small list of goals, I was surprised that I had accomplished almost everything I wrote down. Although it was a small list, the contents felt larger than I could handle. Seeing how each of these goals impacted my life this year encouraged me to do another one. So, here it is:

List for 2012

• I still want to get more involved with some sort of group or organization and live outside of myself while connecting to others.
• I want to be more spontaneous and a little more lighthearted.
• Continue living a more mindful and healthy life.
• Participate in something even more outlandish than Warrior Dash!
• Dedicate more time to developing my photography and writing skills.
• Spend more time in prayer.
• I want to continue to do activities or make decisions that go against who I always thought I was or would ever be. (Don't worry mom, I'm talking about positively going against my self-perceptions.)
• Finally get that tattoo I've been dreaming about. 
• De-clutter and simplify my life. 
• Live courageously enough to take each step one at a time. 
• Travel more.
• And lastly, be more reckless with my love.

My husband would probably want me to add "eat less candy" to the list, but I don't want to be foolish. I think this is a great starting point for this year, and I can't wait to review the list this time next year to see how these goals have impacted my life.

Happy New Years everyone!

It's Decided:

I need to be more decisive.

Anyone close to me knows how I struggle with this. I don't handle possibilities well, and I don't like thinking I could be making the wrong choice (even if it's what to order for lunch).

I read this blog post and it's inspired me to be more purposeful about the decisions I make, and the ones I've left undone. Here's a little sample from his post:

What happens when we don’t decide?

NOTHING. No change. no difference made. The world just continues on as it always has.
Which is precisely why we need more more decisiveness. The world deserves it. So does your art. So do you.


...Can I get an "amen"! Be sure to click through the link to read the rest of the post and possibly some of his other writings, he's very talented and each one I read challenges me.

Think about it!

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Not To Yield

To strive, to seek, to find,

 and not to yield.

-Lord Alfred Tennyson, Ulysses

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Knowing God

“What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that HE KNOWS ME. I am graven on the palms of His hands. I am never out of His mind. All my knowledge of Him depends on His sustained initiative in knowing me. I know Him, because He first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when His eye is off me, or His attention distracted from me, and no moment therefore, when His care falters.

“This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort—the sort of comfort that energizes…God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love, and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see, and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself. There is however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, he wants me as his friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.”

 -- J. I.  Packer, from his book Knowing God.

Beauty In Pain

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This thought has been constantly in my mind as of lately. I have gone from one season to another and each has shown me just how necessary the other was in preparing me for where God wants me to be. I've witnessed and seen a lot of hurt and pain in the lives around me, all of which I could only equate to ugliness at the time; Ugliness that comes with living in a fallen world.

When people are confronted with less than favorable circumstances, they tend to recite the verse in Romans that talks about how God can turn all things for good for those who love him. After coming through the last ten years nearing the other side, I can see that this statement is a strong foundation to stand on. When you clearly experience it, it's meaning is profound and it's comfort unwavering. But to me, when someone is in the thick of ugliness, those words seem to have little meaning. Kind of like when someone tells you, "It'll be alright." You don't feel like their saying that from a strong understanding of the situation, but only trying to console you.

When I read the words from Ecclesiastes though, it seems more than a simple pat on the back.

I remember being enamored with the book of Ecclesiastes in high school because there is a time for everything, and everything on its own is meaningless but God can breathe beauty into it. Things that were once ugly will be transformed by the brilliance of God in the right time. If you don't see beauty in a situation, just give it time. He is faithful and he will do it, just you wait and see!

I Wanna Make Something!

So I started this blog with the idea that I'd be showing things I make, because I LOVE to make things. But life got in the way and I really haven't made anything since I started this blog. But I've been getting antsy to get back in my little studio and whip something up! Today I want to share some things that are inspiring me and we'll (hopefully soon) see which route I go.

I made this dress for our reception, I was wanting to look straight out of the 1940's. It was my first attempt at a dress.

but now I'm wanting to make more dresses and skirts because frankly, I'm getting sick of jeans! Here's a few I have in mind that should be pretty simple:

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 I made a pinup style one piece last year off of this design:

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 I want to try another take on vintage inspired swimwear this year. I'm in love with these:

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Man, I'm getting excited just going through these pictures and others I have saved up. Maybe it'll happen sooner than I thought : ) Do you guys fancy this style too? Everyone always says I'm a grandma, so I guess this is more proof.

If I could do it over, it might look like this!

Caleb and Jes. from ForYouLoveMe on Vimeo.

This video speaks for itself, so full of love and beauty!

Some [BIG] Little Reminders

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With the amount of things God hits me with, you'd think he's abusive! But don't worry, they're more like love taps. Love sucker-punches if you wanna be real about it : )

After my last post, I thought maybe it sunk in this time; I've learned my lesson. But it looks like I'm getting to learn this lesson a million different ways to really get it!

Here's some reminders I was given bombarded with this morning when I was brushing my teeth, asking God to speak to me in a way that I could hear:

• God obviously has a different plan than you do. You've seen how great his work is in the past and how far it surpasses what you had in mind, so get excited about his plan rather than anxious about your own!
• Stop pouting and being concerned with getting your way and get into step with him so you can be a part of what he's going to do! He can use all things for good, but why not go with his original plan for once?!
• God is giving you this time to really learn to submit to his will, not to be kicking and screaming until you get what you want. You're fine with people having different plans or ideas than you, but if it effects you, you've never been good at submitting to them. Like pastor Ed said, "submission only comes with conflict. Otherwise, you're just walking alongside them." If you really are a Christ follower, you've got to follow him!
• Thank him for letting you be a part of what he has in store and for not being a God who caves in to every beck and call you send his way. That, instead, he is a Father with his child's best interest at heart and is willing to put up with your stubbornness in order to get you to see that!
• He always answers your pleas in the perfect way! He is not a God that bends to you, get that in your head already! He is Sovereign. He is your Shepherd and he is leading you to greener pastures! He will uphold you through the journey with his grace. He is sufficient for you in this time.

• Sometimes God doesn't answer in the way you want because you're not praying in the way he wants. Your prayers are selfish and if what you're praying for goes against his will, you can't expect an answer you'd like. Sometimes not hearing from him is better than hearing what he has to say. Pray for your desires to match up with his will or for him to change the desires of your heart!

 After scribbling all of this down, I opened my daily devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (you should get it!), and it went right along with all of this, so I thought I'd share it. (It's written as if God were speaking to you directly):

     Save your best striving for seeking My face. I am constantly communicating with
     you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything
     that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get
     your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-
     mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence
     shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits
     into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I
     will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then
     the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece.
     1 Chronicles 16:11; Matthew 6:33

I won't say I've got it this time, but it's certainly sunk in for this moment in the day and that is the biggest blessing! I'm so glad he roughs me up with reminders to constantly reorient myself towards him.

How Quickly I've Forgotten

How did this happen? I feel like I just got slapped in the face with the truth about 10 minutes ago. That's always a humbling feeling, isn't it?!

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Well, if you've read many of my blog posts, you'd know that in the end of January I experienced a pretty life changing weekend. The hurts, mistakes and failures that had been running my life for years culminated into one grand demonstration of God's unfailing love, mercy and creativity. I was finally at peace.

For years all I had wanted was to have a breather. To have a period in time where I didn't feel like I was being swallowed up by the problems around me. It was always one thing right after another and I needed to catch my breath.

I saw just how deliberate God has worked my life into being. He is in full control. I have free will, but he can ultimately work it all together for his purpose. I trusted him so fully, so why was I starting to get frustrated with my life? I'm always wanting things to be going right, and now that they are, I'm just wanting the next thing in my life to hurry up and come. I've always been a rather impatient person when it comes to things that I want out of life (just ask Jakub). The stupid thing is--the thing that slapped me upside the head-- I was subconsciously willing to trade in this moment in time where I can be at peace and rest in his Presence each day, for being impatient about the future and worrying when it will all come to pass! How could I already be over something I've waited so long to have? How insane is that?! It doesn't even make sense now that I've been able to examine the way I've been feeling and put it into words.

I'm not in any way ready to give up the peace that comes from walking in his Presence and leaning on him. He has spoken into my heart and life so clearly these past months so why would I be foolish enough to think that something could be better for me right now than this? I get a chance to sit at his feet whenever I want, with no distractions. This is where I'm supposed to be right now.

What it boils down to is this: I was trying to take control of my life again because of the fear that what I want will not come when it's supposed to. But God knows the desires of my heart and he is a father that delights in taking care of me. He is the God of perfect timing. Seeing how he has so intricately pieced my story together so far, I need to relinquish my desire to control things and act on the faith that I have in him.. Everything will happen in the right time and right now, I get to breathe easy and rest in his unfailing love.

"Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:15

Just You Wait And See

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Run Off to Meet Jesus

Run off to meet Jesus. Tell him the problem.
Ask him why he didn’t come sooner, why he allowed that
awful thing to happen.
And then be prepared for a surprise….
Jesus will meet your problem
with some new part of God’s future that can and will burst
into your present time, into the mess and grief,
with new possibilities.
– N.T. Wright, Simply Christian 

Lets Pack Our Bags

I've got travel on the brain and since we don't have the time or funds to go everywhere I want at this moment (and because I'm feeling rather lethargic today), I thought I should just go on a vacation in my mind. But this is no ordinary vacation; it will be full of adventure. Come along at your own risk.

First, we'll go to Hood River,Oregon and do this of off Celestial Falls:

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Then we'll go to southern Utah and "hike the Zion Narrows"(I have no idea how this works, but we can do it):

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Next, we'll make our way to Florida and dive in the freshwater caves to find fossils and ancient mastodon tusks throughout the limestone passageways:

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After that, we'll head to Lake Powell for a kayak experience like nothing else:

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Then we could head to Montana and ice climb Hyalite Canyon like this:

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But since we're not out of our minds, we won't. Instead we'll head back to Utah to mountain bike the Slickrock Trail in Moab:

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Then we'll finish the day up by going to Oceanside, Oregon for a relaxing birds' eye view:

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After all our adventures, I think we deserve a little bit of this:

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I don't know about you, but I am wore out! This is a lot of adventure for one day. And who knew all this could be done in the good ol' U. S. of A.?!

Here She Is In All Her Glory: The one, The only...

She is known by many things to many people: Martha, Marty, Mom, but the most legendary? Grandma Puckett. I cannot express to you the deep sense of pity that wells up from my heart for those of you who do not know her, because I guarantee you will never meet another one of her kind. She's not your typical grandma; she's the stuff legends are made of.

Though many of my friends have not met this treasured beauty, they know of her quite well. In fact, some of them ask for Grandma Puckett stories, because let me tell you, they are numerous and diverse. She is the best cook, has the greatest story telling abilities, and is quite the stained glass maker. Oh, that sounds typical of a grandma, you say? Don't be foolish. She is a 78 year old ball of fire and if we were to get in a brawl, I'm quite certain she would whoop my butt. She has more energy than I'd know what to do with and spends most of her time working outside on her garden. To say she's an outspoken liberal would be an understatement. If her tv's on, it's either CNN or sports. She's very active in her church and community and she's always putting things together with other people in mind. She is not a typical grandma and from the stories I've heard, she wasn't the typical mom either. She is the toughest woman but yet she is still so in touch with her emotions and has the greatest way of displaying them. You will never have to guess what she's thinking; whether she thinks you're the most gorgeous thing she's ever seen, or you just made the stupidest mistake of your life, you'll know. How can someone be so completely honest in every situation?! And I tell you what, she has the smoothest skin of a woman her age and it's not because she got cosmetic surgery.

While my family was in town for our wedding in 2009, I had the pleasure of hearing more stories about her that left me speechless with my mouth wide open. She is the type of person that I dream to be like. When I think of her in my day to day life, sometimes I just have to ask myself, what in the world did I do to deserve to call her grandma? How did I get this blessing? As I'm writing this, my emotions are welling up inside of me and I get so frustrated because no matter what words I use, I won't be able to get across just how unique and utterly awe-inspiring this lady is. She is everything: strong, caring, adventurous, a storyteller, tough, funny, independent, vibrant, unexpected, a wise ass, outgoing, beautiful, talented, driven, young, loving. She is a joy to be around and she doesn't take anyone's shit (pardon my language if it offends you). I think she knows she doesn't have to, she's paid her dues. I wish I could have known her more and all throughout her life because something tells me she's never taken it from anyone. But still she's the sweetest person you could know.

I'll stop now because I'd just go on and on. Bottom line: This is a woman, by every meaning of the word. Her youthfulness and spunk are unparalleled by anyone I know. She has a life that you wouldn't believe (trust me). And she's coming to town tomorrow! It's not under the best of circumstances (in fact, it's downright crappy) but I'd be lying if i said I wasn't tickled to death. She is my soul mate. Each time I get with her I walk away knowing a little bit more about life and how you really don't have to pay attention to all the rules. I wish she could write a book about her life so you could understand what I'm talking about.

Did I mention she snuck alcohol into our wedding reception?

Let's Take A Moment To Imagine

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This is where I'm at. I'm so excited about life and what it holds. This feeling is rather new to me, so it's like I'm starting from scratch. "The fear of the unknown" goes all the way to what I want to do, not just how to do it. (I hope that makes sense)

I'm not good with decisions. The finality of them (or the appearance of finality) has kept me from making many. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll say I'm indecisive. I don't like to pick where we sit in a movie, it takes me forever to order something off a menu, I get terrified if I'm the one left to make a decision. I think this is for many reasons but they all boil down to fear. Fear of being wrong. Fear of my thoughts or ideas being rejected. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of being the one in control. You name it, I probably fear it.

I don't like being the one with the final word. In life, I am the one who has the last say in every decision and choice I make. No one else has control over me and the way I lead my life. My day to day actions and the dreams I have for myself are mine and I'm the one that chooses the path to get me there. This has left me at a stalemate in nearly every area of my life.

Thankfully though, I am shedding my life of fear and trading it in for a life of curiosity. The past months have shown me that even though I determine which way to go, God ultimately has the final word in the outcome of my path. If I would stop trying to control my situation by worrying and would leave the decisions up to God and simply take a step as He leads, I could enjoy the journey instead of resisting every step of the way. This is where I'm at.
[sidenote: How much sense does it make that I don't like making decisions, but I am a controller?!]

I can stop living based on the lives of others--People my age should be done with college. They should at least have a firm plan with what they want to do with their lives. etc--and give myself the freedom to be who I am. To go where I'm called. To live the life designed for me. To even have the courage to find out what that life is.

So, do I know where I'm headed? Heck no, but I sure am curious. : )

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 
2 Timothy 1:7

Struck By The Ultimate Love

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Happy Valentines Day everyone! I hope that y'all are enjoying the holiday. I had a great time with Jakub this weekend in celebration of today, but that's not what this post is about.
Lately I have been surrounded and constantly reminded of the overwhelming love that God has for us. I wanted to do a post today as a little reminder to myself, and to you, that there is a love that nothing else compares to. It's the kind of love that doesn't just sweep you off your feet; it knocks the breath out of you! On days that I get a clearer picture of what that really means I can't hardly do anything but sit in silence, amazed and utterly confused how anyone could love me with so much intensity and devotion. Here's just a few verses that are speaking to me at the moment of how lovely He is and how unworthy I am:

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19 

If that doesn't demonstrate love, I don't know what does. What makes this verse so powerful to me is that I have felt each word of it dealing with depression and seeing God move in such a mighty way.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:19-23

Just reading this verse makes my heart pitter patter!

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,  and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel,put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption."
Psalm 130:3-7

I think that verse sums it up. He brings us unfailing love and full redemption, what more could you want?

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

Can you imagine this?! Lately I've been knocked upside the head with the realization of how deeply God knows me and cares for me. I can't imagine that one day I will know him with that same clarity!

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its ardor unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away." Song of Songs 8:6-7

This is one of my favorite verses. God's love for us is as strong as death. Do you grasp that?! Over the past several years, dealing with death, this verse has had real meaning to me. You cannot come back from death, once it's got you, it's got you. His love for us is just as constant and never ending; circumstances have no impact on if He loves us. His strong devotion is as unyielding as the grave!

Whether you have a "valentine" or not today, remember that you are loved by the Ultimate Lover and he knows how to woo you better than anyone else. His love for you is stronger than you can comprehend. Let His love knock the breath out of you ever once in a while.

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

-Deitrich Bonhoeffer, 1946

Tattoo Window Shopping

For quite some time I have been very interested in getting another tattoo. In fact, I've had the overall idea for the one I want planned since Jakub and I were still engaged. This one would be pretty visible so I've really taken the time to make sure it's what I want. And sorry mom and dad, but it is : ) There's quite a lot of meaning to it (even some things have DOUBLE meanings!ha) and it would be so beautiful and feminine, I wouldn't have to worry about the question of "well what about when you're older" because old women love beautiful things too, right?!

I'm so glad I live in my generation; I don't have to believe the idea that people that are tattooed are godawful, gun slinging, drug induced fornicators destined for hell. [how's that for a description?]

Since I've been stuck inside due to the snow, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it. Since I don't foresee getting the tattoo soon, I thought I'd share some tattoos that I'm drooling over at the present moment.

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I'll never get over pin ups! They're so beautiful and classy.

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 I'm over swallows on the chest, but I love how realistic and artistic this one is.

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This one is so feminine!

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 The detail on this ship is pretty spectacular.

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 This girl has a great blog (you can check it out by the link) and her tattoo is absolutely beautiful! It looks like just the vintage botanical illustrations! A bigger picture obviously shows more of the detail, it's just stunning to me.

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Are you kidding me?! I hope you're picking up a theme: beautiful!

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Seriously, you think an old woman won't like pretty flowers?! C'mon!

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I love the detail and realism of this anchor. Old school anchors are cool, but this is the kind I adore.

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This one and the next were done by Amanda Wachob. Her ability to create tattoos that look like they were painted on is unbelievable. I need to find an artist with this type of focus. You need to look up her other works!

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My tattoo will probably be black and grey or light colors, but I love the bold colors in this and how wonderfully they're put together.

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This isn't a real tattoo, it's a "retort to the guy talking about how tattoos are really just meaningless awesomeness and we’ll all regret it when we’re 70." (as stated on the site)

Maybe I'll regret it, but I probably won't because I happen to think this picture would let you know this old woman isn't your typical old lady; she's got a little spunk you can't deny. And I plan on being spunky when I'm old. (Sorry ma, if you almost fell out of your seat from that last picture)

The Encounter pt. 7: The Start of Healing

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You only thought that last post was the end of the series. I did too actually, until I realized that though I shared everything I learned and went through, I didn't say what happened with my goal. So I promise, this is the last post of the series and I'll make it short and sweet! (We'll see how that goes)

I've always known that God works outside of our ideas for what works best. He works in His own way and timing and it is perfect. I know this. I've seen it in action so many times.

Somehow I was still surprised to see my goal of healing for myself and my family play out in the way that it did.

When I stated that as my goal, I had no idea if it was the right goal to choose, but it was! He worked on me in ways I couldn't believe. He showed me how He creatively stitched every area of my life together to show His glory! It would be an understatement to say that the goal of healing for myself was accomplished. Of course, I'm not saying I won't get damaged in the future, but I am healed from all the pain that I've held onto, that has kept me down for so long. I also have a better understanding of what I need to do every time I face a hard situation so that it won't all build up. And I know just how deeply He cares for me and that He will take every pain and heartache and turn it into something to rejoice over. Only He can do that! And that means He cares just as deeply for you too!

As for healing with my family, He blew me away! I thought that if healing came for us this weekend, it would've happened with all of us present, going through the experience at the same time. It would've happened mainly because my sister decided to change her life around. I had no idea that most of the healing I needed for my family started with me! It wasn't necessarily based on if Jess decides to keep going her way, but on me letting go of the bitterness, anger, and fear that I had towards her. That we've all had towards her, and even she had towards us. But, as He so graciously reminded me, I have a plank in my eye; I don't need to worry about what she's got in hers!

Healing has started, in a drastic way! It's not completely accomplished, but let me tell you, it's coming in full force! A few days after the weekend, I had a chance to hang out with my sister. We had some talks that showed me, this is real, things are happening and God is doing all the work! He sees your deepest hurt and He's not just gonna let it continue on without resolve. He is the ultimate Comfort!

It's a good thing He doesn't work off of what I think is best! If He had, I would've felt relieved that it was all over, but would I have known that I worship a creatively active and present God? No way, José! He knows best, and even when you think it's taken too long for a prayer to get answered, the answer comes right on time, in a way that will make you see it only happened by the grace of God! Nothing else could produce such an answer as the one He's got for you! Nothing we could ever conjure up in our wildest dreams. In fact...

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

and just for my mom... (and look at that, there's a butterfly in the video ha)

The Encounter pt. 6: Never Meant To Crawl

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Remember in a previous post when I said that any time I am about to go through something big--whether it's scary or exciting--and I need a little reminder that God is with me, He always works a butterfly into the equation? Well you wouldn't think the encounter weekend would be any different would you?!

I'd be lying if I didn't say it took me by complete surprise! Again, I knew nothing about what was planned for this weekend so how could I even anticipate this. [In fact, I just learned the other day that the encounter I went to was planned a year in advance. If that doesn't show how wonderfully God works things together, then I don't know what does! Every circumstance was lovingly orchestrated to work together to show His magnitude. Every speaker, every message, every song all worked to change me in the exact way I needed to be changed. Every hurt, every pain, in the last year alone, directly correlated with this event.]

This beautiful woman named Samara spoke Saturday morning on butterflies. She told the life story of a butterfly: how it starts as a caterpillar, then goes through the chrysalis stage, and finally becomes a butterfly.
While they were caterpillars, they crawled around in the dirt. But they didn't stay there, they were intended to fly. Between the stages of crawling and flying, they had to go through a stage that shed their skin. It wasn't a one-time thing, they shed layers several times to get where they needed to be to break out. When they did come out, they had to stand on the shell of the chrysalis for a few days because their wings were still weak; they needed to become strong before they could take flight.

She said many scientific terms and such, like the fact that caterpillars and butterflies have the same DNA. You'd think that two seemingly different insects would house a different set of DNA, but they don't. They go through a complete process of change, but deep down they are still the same thing. Some could take this as, the butterfly never fully departing from its caterpillar stage. I take it as, the caterpillar was always destined for something more, something greater.

I think you can see how she related this to us. We spend our lives crawling around in the "dirt" of life, but we were made for something more. In order to get to that stage, we have to go through situations that continually shed who we used to be. When we break free from what would hold us down, that becomes the very thing upon which we stand, upon which we get our strength!

She gave the most  beautiful illustration of the life of a butterfly that I'd ever heard. It was the same process that was going on within me that weekend. It was the chrysalis where I was able to shed all my past hurts and hang ups. But when I broke out, all that pain didn't control me anymore. In fact, I could stand upon it and now all I get from those memories are strength. God is good! He's working all this issues of your life into something beautiful and something that will give you strength!

She ended her message with a poem she wrote for that particular weekend:

A chrysalis is a strange thing. It sometimes looks so rough on the outside, while on the inside something amazing is being formed. [I would like to thank you ladies for joining me in this chrysalis.]

Here in this cocoon I am changed. The things that seemed so important have been rearranged.

I don't know what the patterns on my wings will be like when I emerge, but that's ok, wings mean I can fly instead of inching my way through life in the dirt.

Wings mean that when God breathes I can move.
Wings mean freedom and with that thought, my pain is soothed.
My wings won't just be for showing, my wings will be for going.
When I emerge from here, colors dazzling, patterns amazing, how will I feel?
I think I'll feel like flying and perhaps never coming back to here.

My life will write a letter read and seen by all.
My wings don't mean I'm perfect, they don't mean I'll never fall.
My wings simply mean that I was never meant to crawl.

My wings mean that the ending is better than the beginning.
My wings mean that all the hurt did not have the effect intended.
My wings mean that I have a new perspective.

My wings mean I can follow His direction.
My wings mean I am His and he is my protection.