To Love Somebody

Three weeks have passed since Eisley joined our family. I don't know how to describe it, but she is perfect for us; she was made with the biggest dose of curiosity, just enough stubbornness, and too much sweetness to belong to anyone else.

Almost daily I think about all the little details of how she came into our lives, partly so I won't forget them and partly because I can't believe it actually happened. I had a lot of ideas about how her birth would happen, while still having limited expectations. I know I havent shared her birth story yet, but as much as it unfolded in a way i never expected, it was exactly what I needed it to be. What happened in those long hours have since given me so much comfort because I know just how far Jakub and I were pushed to our limits, and we are far stronger (together and individually) than I imagined.

It was the perfect way to start the journey into parenting: with all expectations thrown out the window and learning to take it moment by moment, knowing that we're capable of handling whatever comes. I feel so much stronger knowing that we made it through something I didn't want to happen, rather than my ideal scenario playing out.

I'm so glad that was our starting point as parents because things certainly haven't been as easy as I imagined. And it's even more important, knowing that every ounce of strength used in labor and the moments since, have clearly not come from my own doing.

While some days--and most nights--have been tough, this has been the absolute sweetest time of life. I've been filled with love and passion, and a hope about things that I hope only grows with time.
I'm pretty thankful for this little woman. In only three weeks she has taught me so much about humility, love, and peace.

It's so cliche but I didn't know this depth of love before miss Eisley James came on the scene and wrecked my world. It's a shame knowing she will have to live in this world for so many years before she has children of her own and finally gets let in on this secret kind of love. I guess I'll just have to smother her with kisses until she can feel it for herself.

A New Kind of Life

Let me tell you something... this past week has been nothing short of amazing. Little Eisley James Hartlieb was born last Tuesday, October 2, at 7:42 p.m. It's still hard to know exactly how to put into words what this little lady has done to my life. I knew I would have a love like never before, but to experience that love is completely different from just knowing that kind of love exists.

Not only have I experienced a deep love for my little girl, but my love and respect for Jakub has been expanded in ways I didn't know was possible or necessary. I thought I loved him as much as I could, but to go through the birth experience with him in such a vulnerable way, and for him to be my rock through it all, I am at a loss for words to describe just how perfect he is for me. And to have the chance to witness him being transformed by this new life has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You'll have to excuse me but with all these hormones, I'm just a big pile of sap.

 This first week has gone by so quickly but I've loved every minute of it with the two loves of my life. I'm planning on writing about the story of her birth, but that will have to wait for a day when I have more time and more words. Right now I'll just say thank you to everyone who prayed for us or sent encouraging words our way. We feel quite blessed at this moment in time.

Almost There

The past four weeks have flown by and  my due date has come and gone. I've been dilated to 1 cm since our 38 week midwife appointment, with little improvement since. It hasn't been as hard as I'd imagined to stay patient while waiting for this little fella. The past week especially has been pretty wonderful with all of the spontaneous little "last dates" for breakfast and coffee, or exploring the town. We've also had some really special times with our friends and I think this week has been such a great send off to how life has been, and we're now ready for this little person to join our lives.

Throughout the pregnancy, certain people have checked in with me to see if we're ready to be parents, to have this baby in our lives. Even a week ago when asked, we both just kind of sat there and then slowly murmured out, "we'll see," pretty unsure of what it would even mean to be ready. But yesterday morning, Jakub and I had a short conversation about how we're completely ready for this new phase. Note that I didn't say fully competent...who knows how that happens! But we don't have any reservations or last wishes.

 

I've been incredibly humbled by the generosity and love I've felt from friends this past week, and I think it certainly helps to feel ready knowing we're surrounded by people who really care for us. My brother's girlfriend has done several incredibly sweet things for me this week, including lunch, prayer, and flowers just because. One dear friend painted my toes because I couldn't reach them anymore.  A wonderful couple invited us over for a meal and we spent the most entertaining evening with them. And one loving lady stopped by with some sweet treats last night, when I was feeling less than graceful. I don't want to forget these little acts of kindness because they have meant the world to me, and sustained me in this waiting period. Jakub and I certainly feel blessed to be cared for in such tangible ways.

Hopefully this baby will make its appearance within the next week (I'm actually 41 weeks today--just behind on updates, obviously) I can only imagine the sort of love it'll experience from those around us, because lets face it, our friends and family may think we're neat but we don't stand a chance when compared to the soft skin and sweet smell of a little baby.

One More Down

I'll cut to the chase... this week something wonderful happened. I'm talking so good that for the past several days, the memories come back so fresh, it's like I'm experiencing it all over again. I'm wary to share this with you because it may take over an inappropriate amount of your life, but I feel like I wouldn't be kind if I kept it to myself.

photo via

That's right. A blueberry peach cobbler with a crust so perfect, you'll eat way more than you should. I made this recipe when we had some of our favorite people over, and even though I was going to my midwife for a weigh-in the next day, I ate the entire "single serving" ramekin that was before me. Jakub made some whipped cream that we put on top, and it was such a good combination that I didn't care if I gained 8 lbs from it, I wasn't going to leave one bit of it behind.

If you need a simple recipe that means business, choose this one. I couldn't imagine being disappointed by it. Any occasion would be the perfect time to whip this up.

As you can tell, I'm much rounder this week than I have been in the past, and the cobbler may have had something to do with it. [Worth it.] I feel like my belly has just exploded over the last few weeks, and I can't wrap my mind around the idea that we just have four more weeks left. 

You'd think I never learned about the birds and the bees because I keep asking myself, "how does this happen?!"

 At the midwife appointment that I mentioned earlier, I had gained a total of 32 lbs! I haven't mentally struggled with the idea of gaining weight this whole pregnancy, but I still have a couple weeks left and I was hoping that sort of number might be my end weight gain ha. I'm not worried though because I've been healthy and I feel great. The midwife did say as she was feeling around that we may be looking at an 8 pound baby. Now, yes, that is a larger size than I was hoping for, but I'll take that any day over my lovely husband's 11 pound entrance into the world.

Speaking of babies, I was sorting old pictures at my granny's house this week and found several of when I was younger. I'll just say this: if this baby is anything like me it's gonna take some time to adjust to this whole "being cute" thing. The only positive I had going for me as a baby was that I had a lot of hair (albeit static in almost every picture). But I was a pretty decent toddler. I know everyone thinks their baby is cute, but I can't see myself being completely blinded by love into thinking we got a hottie on our hands. If, on the off change that I'm not blind, I'll at least be able to hold onto the idea of potential. Because if I can do it, you can do it too little baby. (This is not to say I'll love my baby any less if it's not drop dead gorgeous. We'll just come up with other adjectives to describe them than the typical, "ohh this is the most beautiful baby in the world!" And really, that could be a good thing because then we can teach our kid that there's so much more to life than appearances).

Take for example, when you look down to see your 36-week-pregnant  feet swollen for the first time to the point where you can't hardly put your shoes on that you were wearing just a few hours earlier. No matter how normal that is for this stage of pregnancy, that's a good time to be reminded that beauty isn't everything. It's also a good time to be thankful for not being pregnant in the winter, when you actually need to have shoes on to go back home.

Week 36 was great, and the start of week 37 was even better. I'll be back later to talk about that.

35th Week

Over the course of the last several months, there are certain things I've noticed nobody seems to mention about being pregnant. Here's just a few I can think of at the moment:

 

• While everyone talks about constantly needing to pee, no one says anything about the increased cost you'll spend on toilet paper over the course of a pregnancy. It's been so shocking to me how quickly I can go through that stuff now that I'm heading to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes of the day. I guess I could've put two and two together, but I feel like maybe this should be in at least one of those articles on baby websites about "budgeting for baby" because it's an expense I certainly didn't consider.
• Get ready to be handicapped, or at least made to feel that way. I've had numerous people question if I should be driving simply because I'm pregnant. I know they are coming from a place of love, but I couldn't help but laugh the first time I was asked this. I don't understand why having a baby inside me suddenly makes my life hazardous. Maybe my pride is keeping me oblivious to certain things but I don't feel like danger is lurking behind every corner. I'm an able-bodied person and if I'm capable of birthing a child, I think I can handle driving a car, taking a hike, or wearing high heels. Although to be honest, you will not catch me in high heels anymore. Not because it's dangerous, but because I am enjoying comfort these days and I don't think yoga pants go with high heels.
• Another thing that caught me by surprise is just how entrenched some people can be in societal norms that, when you don't go along with them, people can't seem to understand why you would possibly do that. We've made a lot of decisions for this baby that aren't typical of American norms (but they are still completely safe and rational), and each step of the way has been met with people utterly bewildered as to why we wouldn't just do what is normal. I was expecting to hear plenty of unsolicited advice when I got pregnant about how to give birth and raise my baby, but I didn't think nursery colors or deciding to cloth diaper would be topics up for discussion too. Everyone has the right to do things the way they see fit, and other people shouldn't worry about little details unless it poses a risk. However, I'm fairly certain that choosing not to decorate in traditional boy/girl color schemes will not harm the child's psyche.
• No one told me that I was not allowed to have normal feelings during pregnancy. Or that my normal feelings would be taken as raging pregnancy hormones, even when I was simply expressing an opinion, completely void of any "raging" tendencies. Don't you hate when it's your time of the month and when you respond a certain way, someone puts it off as you PMSing? Well, after 8 straight months of that, it's gotten old. I am completely aware of the instances that my hormones made me react in a way other than I would ordinarily choose, and those instances have been very limited and Jakub is one of the only two individuals to witness them. And when my hormones do get the best of me, I am just a blubbering idiot, not a woman on a rampage. But, if you want me to go on a rampage, simply look at me crazy and tell me I'm being hormonal. Then I might turn into the pregnant version of the Hulk.
• Another thing no one mentioned is just how much it means when a perfect stranger tells you you look beautiful, or makes a sweet remark about your belly. A lot of times (in my experience) the people closest to you can respond to your changing body in ways that make you feel like you just busted into the room like the Kool Aid man. I'm sure their shock to how your growing is simply because, in all the time they've known you, you haven't had a 5.5 lb. baby inside of you. That's why it's nice to be in a place surrounded by strangers: they're seeing you for the first time, as a cute pregnant lady, and the chances that one of them saying something lovely is high. They're also more conscious of what they're saying to you. I've had the pleasure of having several people stop me just to tell me I'm beautiful pregnant, and it has always seemed to be when I needed to hear it the most. Having random people stop me to talk about my beauty is not something I'm used to, but it made me question: why aren't we all doing this to each other regularly?! It's an amazing thing and you should try it, whether you're pregnant or not.
• To be fair, a few people have told me this last one: it's really not that bad. I'm definitely in the phase where doing just about anything is inconvenient or uncomfortable, but people make pregnancy out to be so much worse than it really is. Maybe it all depends on your mindset and if you believe in all the stereotypical b.s., but my pregnancy has been great. Yes, I have broken down and told Jakub that I'm ready for the baby to come out, but it's purely for selfish reasons like when I want to sleep on my stomach, or fit into pants, or have a glass of wine. Just the other week, a woman at the flea market stopped to tell me that it's really not that bad. That people who have had bad experiences want to tell you all about it, but the people who had great experiences don't feel the need to stop you and tell you all the things you need to do or all the things that are sure to happen. She was referring to childbirth, but I think the same can be said for pregnancy. While I haven't gone through childbirth yet, I have gotten married, and people were doing the same thing with marriage. When we were engaged, just about all we heard was people saying, "oh, get ready..." blah blah blah. They made it seem like it was the end of happiness, and that the only way we could find happiness was to be the first one to make our spouse miserable. Yes, marriage can be hard work, but it's the most fun I've ever had. Pregnancy comes with it's inconveniences, but it's so rewarding and exciting to experience. And I can bet that childbirth, raising a baby, or any other new experience we have will have it's fill of difficulties, but will ultimately be outweighed by the goodness in it. 

So, to those of you that are pregnant or will one day be pregnant, don't take to heart all the advice everyone has to offer. Think for yourself and be confident in who God made you and the mind he gave you.

And to those of you who are related to, or in any way aware of, someone who is pregnant and you're thinking about putting in your two cents, shut it down! Instead, tell her she will love being pregnant, that she is strong enough to endure childbirth, and she will be a brilliant new mom. If you want to add even more joy and comfort to her life, tell her she's got a beautiful body. But not in a creepy way. That won't help anyone.

25 Weeks And A Whole Lot of Happiness

This picture was taken the other day when we went foraging with the Chef and Owner of The Canebrake for a dinner Jakub is helping out with tomorrow at the resort. If you are wanting to get away, I'd definitely suggest this place. Sam is an awesome guy and really goes above and beyond to make you feel right at home. It should also be noted that I can't stop thinking about the massage rooms he showed us. I definitely need to go back for that!

As for today, I've just been overwhelmed with how lovely life is lately. I feel so lucky that I get to enjoy this summer break (and time before the baby comes) to do anything and everything that I feel so inclined to do, and I'm taking full advantage of it! Even though I have had plenty of time to do what I please in the past, I have never taken advantage of it quite like I am in this season. Even cleaning has become something I enjoy! The biggest difference between now and the past is most assuredly my mental state. The components of my life have relatively stayed the same, but not living every day in a pit of depression is quite possibly the most divine gift I've received.

Those days, weeks, and years spent in depression gave me a very special insight into myself and the world around me, but the days, weeks, and year since being in that pit have given me a fresh pair of eyes to see the beauty and love that's hiding in the most unsuspecting nooks and crannies of life. If you've read this blog for a while, you'll remember that last year God spent quite a bit of time teaching me to trust and follow him, and I was able to work through certain issues and completely let go of others.

Those moments in time spent with him have completely changed the everyday aspect of my life in a way I'd never imagined. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that not only was I able to move past the issues that held me in, but I was able to see such a dramatic display of God's love for me. And for all of that to happen before I entered into this stage of bringing a new life into the world just takes my breath away. I'm telling you, Jakub, the baby, and I would be in for a world of trouble if things hadn't worked out in the appropriate timing. I know this is quite the rambling post, but this thought has been with me since the moment I found out I was pregnant, and more and more each day I have seen the reverberating effects that that time has had on my life.

To be able to thoroughly enjoy every day--whether I'm folding laundry or trying out new recipes and projects--is a relatively new element in my life. It has taken some time adjusting to this new found spirit, but I am at the stage where I am unbelievably grateful for the humble life I've been given. Extravagant adventures are nice (and I get antsy to have my fair share of them), but it's so invigorating to enjoy the little things in life too.

An Update

The past few weeks have flown by. I feel like time is speeding up--how can we already be this far along into the pregnancy?! These last few weeks have been such an enjoyable time spent together just the two of us. All the concerts, bike rides, and nights out with friends have not gone unnoticed. Neither have all of the times spent sleeping in or doing whatever we pleased.

I know this chapter of our life is coming to an end as another is just beginning. I know that once we have that baby in our life we won't be able to imagine who we would be without it.  But until that moment, I want to take every chance I get to appreciate what a great life I have already, living with my fancy guy and our two crazy pups. I want to take in every opportunity we have to understand each other more and to know how to work within our strengths and weaknesses. Because if there's one thing I've learned from my family about raising kids is that it can be one heck of a ride, and I want to be a family that stays together through it all. I want to be for my kids what my mom and dad was for me.

 I must admit, I've desperately wanted kids since we first got together. We weren't sure if it would ever happen, so when it did I was surprised by my reaction. Maybe everyone goes through this because it is such a life-changing event, but I was not excited from the first moment as I had previously imagined my reaction would be. In fact, I had many talks with God along the lines of, "listen, we really don't have to do this."

There were moments of excitement and joy, but for the most part I was terrified of what this meant. This kid is going to go through heartache and awful situations, and in many ways I am going to mess up as a parent. I was struggling with myself on trying to figure out how I might protect it from certain situations, but then also realizing that some of the worst situations I had been in is where God showed his greatest displays of love to me. I want to keep them safe, but how could I steal that opportunity from them to know just how deeply God cares for them specifically. I can imagine this is a struggle that will only increase as I come to know and love this person inside of me. But for the longest time I was gripped with fear about what lay ahead.

That is, until week 15 when a day came and I was utterly excited about this new life. No event or conversation sparked this new feeling, but I was content and at peace with everything I had previously been anxious about.

 

*-

I still have moments where I over-think what the future will bring, but I am overwhelmingly excited now. I don't know if it's because of all the events that have taken place this last few weeks or what, but it's getting more real and I'm falling in love with the idea.

Week 16 started out with a little DIY makeover of one ugly old dresser to be used for the changing area. We tried to pick a fairly gender neutral color because we may be waiting until the baby arrives to find out if it's a girl or a boy.

I'm not so sure I can hold out another 5 more months after perusing the baby clothes aisles with April last week! I stayed away because I had a feeling that it would make me go weak in the knees, and I was right! Thinking of this little person living in some of those cute outfits made it feel real in the cutest, gushiest way I'd ever experienced.

We also ordered the crib and mattress and assembled it right when it came to our door. As we were putting it together, I looked around at the dresser, stroller and car seat, and the crib that was now standing in my old craft room, and was stunned that this is legitimately happening.

In fact, it may be happening sooner than we think! At our appointment today, my midwife measured me and said that I'm measuring 3 weeks further along than I am... I'm measuring at 19 weeks! At our previous appointment, I was measuring about 2 weeks further along. This means that we're either looking at a big freaking baby or we may be further along than we thought! For my sake, I'm hoping for the latter. We'll know for sure when we go to our ultrasound next month what we should be preparing for: an earlier date, or practicing more squats to get my body ready for that enormous endeavor!

Either way I can't wait to do this with Jakub and the rest of our family and friends! What an adventure it will be.

One down...

Well my first trimester is over and done with. It was filled with so many unexpected feelings, ideas, and experiences, but I've really enjoyed it so far.

The greatest feelings came from getting to tell our family and friends in such creative ways, and none of them catching on until just the right time, and getting to feel their excitement and love for us.

I had no idea the wide range of emotions that come with the idea of becoming a parent and taking on the responsibility that lay ahead of us, but luckily I have some great friends to settle my nerves and re-spark my excitement every time I need it.

We found our midwife early on, and I'm so thankful that I did some research on the kind of birth I wanted beforehand so that I wouldn't be starting from scratch. I really feel like my midwife can offer me the best chance I have at the birth I want and I'm so excited to see how that will play out.

We had two ultrasounds in the 7th and 8th week, and it's amazing to look at them and think of how developed the baby is now. It's quite astounding that in a measley 6 weeks, the baby has grown from the size of a lentil to a lime! We heard its heartbeat for the first time on February 28th and that was an amazing feeling. I keep convincing myself that I'm not really pregnant, so I end up reliving the "I'm pregnant!" realization each opportunity I get to hear or see it live.

The constant nausea and fatigue ended on the sunniest day of my ninth week. This was the biggest blessing and I feel so lucky to have not gone the full trimester feeling like I had been. We also made our first baby purchase, and started moving things around to make room for this little lady (or fella).
 [we both think it'll be a girl]

In my tenth week, I started showing. While I understand it was probably only noticeable to me, I was so stunned because of how quickly I felt my body was already changing.

The eleventh week came and I started feeling flutters in my stomach. Now, I'm not saying for sure this is necessarily the baby since I've never known what that feels like, but it doesn't seem like it could be anything else. That, or I'm crazy. We also started a little library and record collection for this baby and I'm getting very excited of the possibilities with introducing it to the things we love.

Yesterday was 12 weeks and I feel like I'm well into "the fat stage" of pregnancy. However, I'm trying to enjoy each moment of this little roller coaster, instead of wishing for things to speed up or slow down, and that includes feeling like I'm trying to fit into clothes made for a little girl. I will certainly never take this stage for granted.

I'm now onto my second trimester and I hope it's filled with as much joy, adventure, and love as the first.

 I'll try to keep this updated as best as I can, but these next two months will be a ringer with school.

First Comes Love

Take a look at a little stop motion video Jakub and I created over the weekend (let it fully load for a minute):


Untitled from rachel hartlieb on Vimeo.

That's right, we're having a baby! I think we were both quite shocked, truth be told, but we're so excited to see what adventures this little baby will bring us. I had been told over and over that it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive. I wanted a baby so bad, but figured it would take years of trying or spending money on treatments or on an adoption process for us to actually have children.

Although the reality of being pregnant, and one day having a child and raising that child to be a healthy, sane individual is quite terrifying at the moment, I know that God is good. He heard my prayers and had a plan in motion when I was still so anxious about the uncertainty of how my dreams would become a reality.

The whole story of how this came to be is another reminder for me that I have no reason to doubt God and how he works things into being. To have such a glimpse into His love at the very beginning of this child's life is a great way to start my journey into parenthood; I just need to trust Him and be willing to go where He leads because He will get me where I'm supposed to be at the appropriate time.

No matter what happens with the coming changes, I can rest in the fact that He has the ultimate say in my life: not doctors, life circumstances, or even myself. And I'm so thankful in that.

He has made beauty from ashes.

However, on the baby note: It appears that I will be due September 23, 2012. We've had two ultrasounds already and that little dream baby is growing just as it should be! Right now it's a little over 1 cm long. At our first ultrasound, it was .75 cm and I couldn't understand how something so tiny could have a heartbeat. That is, until Jakub reminded me that ants have hearts. What a guy, huh?

I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more on the blog about this liminal stage we've entered into. Hope you'll join us for the ride!

One Year

photo via

It's been one year since I started this blog, and I'm amazed at how fast the time has gone! I'm so happy that I stepped out and took the risk of opening myself up. I think it's pretty amazing that this blog coincided with one of the most life-changing years of my life, and I'm so thankful that I was able to document some of the ups and downs and life-altering lessons I've learned along the way.

God is wild, and I'd be crazy to think the road he's led me down is anything else but to be more like him. Because of that, this has been one wild year. He has proven himself over and over this year to be true and to be beautiful.

I started this blog to document my life, knowing that I was in a liminal stage; somewhere between where I was and where I'm going. I still don't have a clear view of my future, but this year has reminded me (countless times) that it is not for me to know. Instead, I need to focus on each moment and be proud of where I am. I can't compare myself to others or what plan society would have me on; I'm on a path all my own, designed specifically for me.

I started out this year in the lowest pit of my life. Thankfully, God gave me footing and showed me that everything that was overtaking me was indeed, the most beautiful things about me. I now stand on those situations and circumstances with pride, knowing that God was with me each step of the way and he lovingly orchestrated each moment to give me hope and a future.

I learned to trust God in everything, knowing that he will not withhold anything that I need. When I prayed for understanding, he gave me wisdom. When I begged for mercy, he showered me with grace and peace. When I longed for unity, he provided a friendship unlike anything else I've ever experienced. When I asked for direction, he reminded me of who I am and why I am. And above all, he has given me the privilege of knowing how unrelenting his love is.

I don't think one thing has gone the way I planned this year. Despite how frustrating it is to see everything turned upside down and every which way but the way I wanted, I would not trade this year for anything. I'm so thankful that God sees the bigger picture and he doesn't bend to my every desire. Instead, he lovingly instructs me on a path that is terrifying and uncomfortable, knowing that it will be so much sweeter than anything my silly little imagination could doll up.

Though there is still so much pain and uncertainty around me, I am certain of one thing: God is love. I don't need to know how or when things will work out. I need to have peace in knowing that I am on the wildest adventure of my life with a God who, somehow, is wild about me and set on turning me into something he can use.

I can't even imagine what this next year will hold, but I hope to share it with you along the way!

For Your Listening Pleasure

Oh boy, did you get goosebumps too?! I hope this brings you encouragement and a little pep in your step today.

I've been kindly reminded lately just how not in control I am of so many circumstances, and this song is perfect for where I am right now (and each step of the way). Hopefully I can come back soon to go into more detail but right now I have to go pick up my niece and nephews! Have a great day everyone, may he keep you and cause his face to shine upon you!

What Do You Mean, It's Not About Me?

Pride is a sneaky little thing. It weasels its way into situations so smoothly you can hardly recognize it as what it really is. I'm noticing more and more how it shows up in my life and I've got to tell you, there's not a more humbling moment for me than when I realize how much pride I have. See, it's tricky!

Without a proper diagnosis of the problem in any particular situation, you can tend to think that the world is against you and develop a strong amount of self-pity, which isn't good for you or anyone around you. Take yesterday for example:

Jakub was participating in a yearly event in Oklahoma City with other chefs called Odyssey de Culinaire. It's probably my favorite event we do each year; getting to work with chefs showcasing their talents and taste such delicious food while raising awareness for ProStart programs is an unbeatable combination. I feel so lucky that I have had the opportunity to tag along with Jakub into the kitchen to see a side of the food industry that many don't get the opportunity to experience.

However, I'd be lying if I said everything went smoothly, at least in order to get there. The whole morning was full of things not going according to plan. It was almost comical, and if I hadn't been so mad I would have laughed! It felt like I was on candid camera; there's no way this is all happening by coincidence, I thought. Jakub was at work getting everything together while I was at home tying up loose ends and making sure our two pups were taken care of. I'm not sure how Jakub's morning went, but mine was no walk in the park. Everything I needed to do ended up having more steps than I would assume is socially acceptable. By the time I dropped Jax and Charlie off at my mother-in-law's, I was afraid I might hurt someone.

(In fact, as I walked out of her house, I heard some leaves rustling and instantly thought what if someone's waiting around the corner to kill me?--yes, I know that's a stretch, welcome to the inner workings of my mind--but my initial reaction was go ahead and try, I dare you!) I was ready to whoop some butt! And if you don't know me, that's quite a distance from my timid, people-pleasing self.

      [side note to the current side note: there have been several times I've called my
      mom because I heard a noise or seen someone outside my house and didn't know
      what to do, and each time she's said, "Well Rachel, you just gotta get mad." I never
      knew what she meant or how to do it. But now I know. I normally don't have a  
      steady amount of anger or stress in my life and I think you need that to be able to
      "get mad" to protect yourself.]

Anyway, it turned out to just be a pile of leaves instead of a murderer. But the point is, I was angry. I was fed up with things going wrong and having to do stuff that I really wasn't in the mood to do. At that moment, I felt like I was punched in the gut. The problem wasn't that everything was going wrong; the problem was my desire to preserve my own comfort. I was more worried about how circumstances were affecting me and my time and my enjoyment (read:sanity) rather than doing my part in making sure everything was taken care of so my husband could be focused on his dish without worrying about what was happening back at home. And because of that, I was lashing out at everyone around me.

I can't tell you how much the issue of pride is reoccurring in my life right now, and it's a hard lesson to learn because it comes in so many shapes and sizes. I started to realize that many of the problems I have in this world are largely due to the issues of pride and preserving my own comfort. But this is a lesson I'll gladly learn over and over in order to become more like Jesus. The only way I can effectively be a servant of Christ (and ultimately demonstrate his kind of foolish love to others) is to have a mindset of humility. Otherwise, I act like I toddler, kicking and screaming, through the moments that are meant to bring life. I should not be concerned with making sure my life is comfortable and just the way I like it, because that is not the kind of life I am called to. Thankfully, God is reminding me of this in so many ways each day and he isn't giving up on me.

In my last post, I said that living outside yourself is the only way to really live, and that I was beginning to see that. Well, it looks like I'm still needing to open my eyes a little wider.

A Year In Review

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Yesterday was my birthday: yes sir, the big two-three. With the coming of a new age, I always look back on the past year and examine the directions my life has taken. Most years, there's not much to look at, just the same typical stuff with a few surprises thrown in. I can honestly say, 22 was one of the most pivotal years for me; a definite game changer.

It felt like this was the year everything culminated together to bring my life understanding, joy, and true peace. However, most of it was not as tranquil as that last sentence may lead you to believe. To be more clear: it was hell. I can't tell you how many nights I spent on my face, drenched in tears and completely exasperated, begging God for just a moment to catch my breath. Trouble surrounded me until I had no hope. I faced insurmountable sorrow, lack of ambition or even the knowledge of where to begin to pick up the pieces, and worse of all, I had to look at myself in the mirror, with all of my failures, every.single.day. while feeling like God had realized what I had become and decided he didn't want me anymore.

 Through all of the heartache, turmoil, and utter despair God molded together a moment in time that showed me how wrong I was. About everything. He showed me how stupid it is to rest on my own understanding and that true life, the life he intended me to have, can only be achieved by following where he leads.

I gained passion, wisdom, inexpressible joy, and the most overwhelming love I've ever known. In fact, there were moments that I felt a glimmer of the love that God has towards me, and it would crush me, quite literally. His love is so big and extravagant and I am so completely undeserving. I have nothing to hide anymore. I can breathe deeply, knowing that everything I need is found in God alone.

I have had the confidence to speak more openly about what's truly on my heart despite what others may say. This is huge in that, I have never felt so free to be me. Not just free, compelled to be me. I've always wanted to be better, prettier, or more talented than I am, but knowing how God feels for me, and the thoughts he actively thinks towards me, I can't help but be proud of the person I am, with all of my flaws and imperfections. I rejoice in my brokenness, stupidity, and selfishness because I know that it is through those things that God comes and meets me where I am.

Every day I see a clearer picture of who God is and who he is making me to become and I am in awe. When I began my blog this past year, I had no intention of speaking about God, the things I have struggled with, or the things closest to my heart. Sharing things on here that many people around me didn't even know was not something I considered enjoyable. (In fact, it took every ounce of confidence within me to even make this blog open for people to read.) But things have drastically changed in my life this year and I can't keep it to myself!

I'm so excited about life and what this next year will bring! If it's anything like last year, bring it on : )

Here's a few thoughts running through my head that have really sunk in this past year and I hope you can see the gravity of each one in your own life:

• God knows EXACTLY what you need through each step of your journey and if you just press into him, he will deliver.

•  He is waiting for you to trust him enough to let him bless you in his perfect way. If you lean on your own knowledge and your own ability, you won't have room for his blessings.

• Life isn't about being right or being self-sufficient; to me, it's all about love, and being broken and open with each other in order to feel what real love is all about.

• There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God bring something from nothing, or restoring order from chaos. 

• This life is not supposed to be comfortable; you will never be fully happy here because you are still separated from God.

• Strength isn't gained from independence, but from learning to walk with others and rely on each other.

I also would just like to say thank you to everyone who helped make this birthday so special! I have never felt so humbled and loved! My heart was swelling with joy and gratitude!
A few honorable mentions:
To my mom for taking me on a surprise picnic; it meant so much to me and it is a memory I will not soon forget!
To Meg, for surprising me with the most thoughtful gifts and the sweetest card (and tastiest cookies) a girl could ask for; you are somethin' else!
To Renata & Peter, it meant so much to me to have you guys drop by, especially with such lovely flowers!
And last but not least, to my fanciful and ultra-hot boyfriend, thank you for being so thoughtful with my birthday; You always make me feel so special! But you should hurry up with finishing my presents because I just can't wait anymore : )   (Disclaimer: I do not have a boyfriend on the side, sometimes we just like to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.)

A Vague Rambling To Most

It's amazing to me what sort of things you can witness here on this earth. Things happen that take the breath right out of you and just knock you back.

I feel like I've been knocked around a few times with a 2x4 in the chest and over the head. When I think about the challenges that are stacked against each of us, and the awful circumstances that arise, I can't hardly breathe and I certainly can't put things together or make sense of it.

I'm starting to count it as a blessing that I really don't know everything.

That leaves me in the best state I can be: trusting on Jesus to get me through each moment. I analyze everything in my life, from every angle I can imagine (some might call it "beating a dead horse") but it's moments like these that show me that the best understanding I can get in this world is that I will never understand why things play out the way they do. Thankfully, through all the heartache and pain, our world is covered with Love and because of that, you are guaranteed to see beauty in the most unlikely circumstances. And it shines most brightly in the the areas that are so deeply contrasted to it.

In these last few years I've seen troubles in ways I'd never imagine, ways that are so surreal I can hardly believe it, but one thing is true: my family is everything to me. This microcosm of people have impressed on me ideas and experiences that I'd never come to otherwise. But not mostly, not even usually, in the ideal way: through deep, thoughtful conversation; it has happened by going through the fire, the pit of life, together. We are a wild bunch, but I will never give up hope that Love will shine through, especially in the depths. This family has seen a world of hurt, so we're in line for a lot of beauty. There are so many things coming at us, trying to break us but I, for one, will fight tooth and nail for these people. The most beautiful part about it is, through it all, God is faithful and abounding in  love, peace, hope, healing, strength, and he doesn't shy away easily ; )

"It is now clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the world. To understand the world, we can study the family: issues such as power, intimacy, autonomy, trust, and communication skills are vital parts underlying how we live in the world. To change the world is to change the family."  --Virginia Satir

p.s.-I'll be away from my blog for the better half of this next week. Enjoy yourselves and may God shower you with beauty.

Some [BIG] Little Reminders

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With the amount of things God hits me with, you'd think he's abusive! But don't worry, they're more like love taps. Love sucker-punches if you wanna be real about it : )

After my last post, I thought maybe it sunk in this time; I've learned my lesson. But it looks like I'm getting to learn this lesson a million different ways to really get it!

Here's some reminders I was given bombarded with this morning when I was brushing my teeth, asking God to speak to me in a way that I could hear:

• God obviously has a different plan than you do. You've seen how great his work is in the past and how far it surpasses what you had in mind, so get excited about his plan rather than anxious about your own!
• Stop pouting and being concerned with getting your way and get into step with him so you can be a part of what he's going to do! He can use all things for good, but why not go with his original plan for once?!
• God is giving you this time to really learn to submit to his will, not to be kicking and screaming until you get what you want. You're fine with people having different plans or ideas than you, but if it effects you, you've never been good at submitting to them. Like pastor Ed said, "submission only comes with conflict. Otherwise, you're just walking alongside them." If you really are a Christ follower, you've got to follow him!
• Thank him for letting you be a part of what he has in store and for not being a God who caves in to every beck and call you send his way. That, instead, he is a Father with his child's best interest at heart and is willing to put up with your stubbornness in order to get you to see that!
• He always answers your pleas in the perfect way! He is not a God that bends to you, get that in your head already! He is Sovereign. He is your Shepherd and he is leading you to greener pastures! He will uphold you through the journey with his grace. He is sufficient for you in this time.

• Sometimes God doesn't answer in the way you want because you're not praying in the way he wants. Your prayers are selfish and if what you're praying for goes against his will, you can't expect an answer you'd like. Sometimes not hearing from him is better than hearing what he has to say. Pray for your desires to match up with his will or for him to change the desires of your heart!

 After scribbling all of this down, I opened my daily devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (you should get it!), and it went right along with all of this, so I thought I'd share it. (It's written as if God were speaking to you directly):

     Save your best striving for seeking My face. I am constantly communicating with
     you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything
     that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get
     your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-
     mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence
     shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits
     into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I
     will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then
     the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece.
     1 Chronicles 16:11; Matthew 6:33

I won't say I've got it this time, but it's certainly sunk in for this moment in the day and that is the biggest blessing! I'm so glad he roughs me up with reminders to constantly reorient myself towards him.

How Quickly I've Forgotten

How did this happen? I feel like I just got slapped in the face with the truth about 10 minutes ago. That's always a humbling feeling, isn't it?!

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Well, if you've read many of my blog posts, you'd know that in the end of January I experienced a pretty life changing weekend. The hurts, mistakes and failures that had been running my life for years culminated into one grand demonstration of God's unfailing love, mercy and creativity. I was finally at peace.

For years all I had wanted was to have a breather. To have a period in time where I didn't feel like I was being swallowed up by the problems around me. It was always one thing right after another and I needed to catch my breath.

I saw just how deliberate God has worked my life into being. He is in full control. I have free will, but he can ultimately work it all together for his purpose. I trusted him so fully, so why was I starting to get frustrated with my life? I'm always wanting things to be going right, and now that they are, I'm just wanting the next thing in my life to hurry up and come. I've always been a rather impatient person when it comes to things that I want out of life (just ask Jakub). The stupid thing is--the thing that slapped me upside the head-- I was subconsciously willing to trade in this moment in time where I can be at peace and rest in his Presence each day, for being impatient about the future and worrying when it will all come to pass! How could I already be over something I've waited so long to have? How insane is that?! It doesn't even make sense now that I've been able to examine the way I've been feeling and put it into words.

I'm not in any way ready to give up the peace that comes from walking in his Presence and leaning on him. He has spoken into my heart and life so clearly these past months so why would I be foolish enough to think that something could be better for me right now than this? I get a chance to sit at his feet whenever I want, with no distractions. This is where I'm supposed to be right now.

What it boils down to is this: I was trying to take control of my life again because of the fear that what I want will not come when it's supposed to. But God knows the desires of my heart and he is a father that delights in taking care of me. He is the God of perfect timing. Seeing how he has so intricately pieced my story together so far, I need to relinquish my desire to control things and act on the faith that I have in him.. Everything will happen in the right time and right now, I get to breathe easy and rest in his unfailing love.

"Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:15

The Encounter pt. 7: The Start of Healing

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You only thought that last post was the end of the series. I did too actually, until I realized that though I shared everything I learned and went through, I didn't say what happened with my goal. So I promise, this is the last post of the series and I'll make it short and sweet! (We'll see how that goes)

I've always known that God works outside of our ideas for what works best. He works in His own way and timing and it is perfect. I know this. I've seen it in action so many times.

Somehow I was still surprised to see my goal of healing for myself and my family play out in the way that it did.

When I stated that as my goal, I had no idea if it was the right goal to choose, but it was! He worked on me in ways I couldn't believe. He showed me how He creatively stitched every area of my life together to show His glory! It would be an understatement to say that the goal of healing for myself was accomplished. Of course, I'm not saying I won't get damaged in the future, but I am healed from all the pain that I've held onto, that has kept me down for so long. I also have a better understanding of what I need to do every time I face a hard situation so that it won't all build up. And I know just how deeply He cares for me and that He will take every pain and heartache and turn it into something to rejoice over. Only He can do that! And that means He cares just as deeply for you too!

As for healing with my family, He blew me away! I thought that if healing came for us this weekend, it would've happened with all of us present, going through the experience at the same time. It would've happened mainly because my sister decided to change her life around. I had no idea that most of the healing I needed for my family started with me! It wasn't necessarily based on if Jess decides to keep going her way, but on me letting go of the bitterness, anger, and fear that I had towards her. That we've all had towards her, and even she had towards us. But, as He so graciously reminded me, I have a plank in my eye; I don't need to worry about what she's got in hers!

Healing has started, in a drastic way! It's not completely accomplished, but let me tell you, it's coming in full force! A few days after the weekend, I had a chance to hang out with my sister. We had some talks that showed me, this is real, things are happening and God is doing all the work! He sees your deepest hurt and He's not just gonna let it continue on without resolve. He is the ultimate Comfort!

It's a good thing He doesn't work off of what I think is best! If He had, I would've felt relieved that it was all over, but would I have known that I worship a creatively active and present God? No way, José! He knows best, and even when you think it's taken too long for a prayer to get answered, the answer comes right on time, in a way that will make you see it only happened by the grace of God! Nothing else could produce such an answer as the one He's got for you! Nothing we could ever conjure up in our wildest dreams. In fact...

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

and just for my mom... (and look at that, there's a butterfly in the video ha)

The Encounter pt. 6: Never Meant To Crawl

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Remember in a previous post when I said that any time I am about to go through something big--whether it's scary or exciting--and I need a little reminder that God is with me, He always works a butterfly into the equation? Well you wouldn't think the encounter weekend would be any different would you?!

I'd be lying if I didn't say it took me by complete surprise! Again, I knew nothing about what was planned for this weekend so how could I even anticipate this. [In fact, I just learned the other day that the encounter I went to was planned a year in advance. If that doesn't show how wonderfully God works things together, then I don't know what does! Every circumstance was lovingly orchestrated to work together to show His magnitude. Every speaker, every message, every song all worked to change me in the exact way I needed to be changed. Every hurt, every pain, in the last year alone, directly correlated with this event.]

This beautiful woman named Samara spoke Saturday morning on butterflies. She told the life story of a butterfly: how it starts as a caterpillar, then goes through the chrysalis stage, and finally becomes a butterfly.
While they were caterpillars, they crawled around in the dirt. But they didn't stay there, they were intended to fly. Between the stages of crawling and flying, they had to go through a stage that shed their skin. It wasn't a one-time thing, they shed layers several times to get where they needed to be to break out. When they did come out, they had to stand on the shell of the chrysalis for a few days because their wings were still weak; they needed to become strong before they could take flight.

She said many scientific terms and such, like the fact that caterpillars and butterflies have the same DNA. You'd think that two seemingly different insects would house a different set of DNA, but they don't. They go through a complete process of change, but deep down they are still the same thing. Some could take this as, the butterfly never fully departing from its caterpillar stage. I take it as, the caterpillar was always destined for something more, something greater.

I think you can see how she related this to us. We spend our lives crawling around in the "dirt" of life, but we were made for something more. In order to get to that stage, we have to go through situations that continually shed who we used to be. When we break free from what would hold us down, that becomes the very thing upon which we stand, upon which we get our strength!

She gave the most  beautiful illustration of the life of a butterfly that I'd ever heard. It was the same process that was going on within me that weekend. It was the chrysalis where I was able to shed all my past hurts and hang ups. But when I broke out, all that pain didn't control me anymore. In fact, I could stand upon it and now all I get from those memories are strength. God is good! He's working all this issues of your life into something beautiful and something that will give you strength!

She ended her message with a poem she wrote for that particular weekend:

A chrysalis is a strange thing. It sometimes looks so rough on the outside, while on the inside something amazing is being formed. [I would like to thank you ladies for joining me in this chrysalis.]

Here in this cocoon I am changed. The things that seemed so important have been rearranged.

I don't know what the patterns on my wings will be like when I emerge, but that's ok, wings mean I can fly instead of inching my way through life in the dirt.

Wings mean that when God breathes I can move.
Wings mean freedom and with that thought, my pain is soothed.
My wings won't just be for showing, my wings will be for going.
When I emerge from here, colors dazzling, patterns amazing, how will I feel?
I think I'll feel like flying and perhaps never coming back to here.

My life will write a letter read and seen by all.
My wings don't mean I'm perfect, they don't mean I'll never fall.
My wings simply mean that I was never meant to crawl.

My wings mean that the ending is better than the beginning.
My wings mean that all the hurt did not have the effect intended.
My wings mean that I have a new perspective.

My wings mean I can follow His direction.
My wings mean I am His and he is my protection.

The Encounter pt. 5: Stepping Into Your Purpose

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After I gave God everything that had been holding me down, I thought that was it. I completed the end of that journey. I was overjoyed and so thankful to have gone through it. And I'm not just talking about being thankful for the last few months where I was discovering all my issues and such; I was overjoyed that every circumstance that I resisted, and then held onto, came about. This has happened to me more times than I can count, but this was the biggest culmination of bad-things-working-together-for-good that I have been a part of.

 Everything--every hurt, every fight, every mistake-- got me to this encounter. I'm not just saying that as a general thing like, "I have no regrets, because it has all made me the person I am today." No. This has a literal meaning, everything led me to this encounter. God showed me a sort of "time line" display of my issues as I was sitting in my chair at the church. Each one built upon the last until the weight was unbearable, which resulted in my depression (which, according to my counselor, was an extra large slice if depression were pizza ha). Then I was invited to go see Isaac's show where I took a small [giant] step of faith and witnessed God's presence as people prayed over me and spoke into my life. I started counseling. Issues with my sister kept getting more out of hand, which caused my mom to look to this encounter as a way to help. We got involved in two bible studies that coincidentally (which actually means by God's plan) directly hit on parts of my life, molding me and preparing my self to be malleable for what God would do this weekend.

I'm not saying God made the bad things happen in my life, but I know that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)

Even though it has been a heart wrenching several years, I am elated to see it all come together. If it had not gotten as bad as it did, I wouldn't have been able to seeing just how beautifully and creatively God intertwined the events of my past (and future). It would not be as apparent to me, the depth of His love. Because let me tell you, it is deep and it is wide (just like the song you'd sing in sunday school) and it is a love unlike any other. He used it all to say, "see little girl, I knew what was going on, I was with you through all of it, and in order that you don't have to look back at it with negativity, I'm using it to show you just how deeply I care. Each thing that hurt you, you can now rejoice over. I held you through it all and though I wish you could have let go of it years ago, I'm bringing you to a place where you can do more than let go; you can find healing."

And even though this is what He did, He took it one step further at the encounter. He showed me that even though I had given it all to Him, I had to let go of the bitterness. I had handed it all over to him, but if I didn't forgive everyone (including myself) for everything, then it's like I just gave Him a copy of my problems and kept the original in my files so I could go back to it any time I wanted to.

When we nailed everything to the cross, I didn't realize that I was still bitter. I was happy and relieved, but if Helen hadn't spoken the message of forgiveness after that, I would've been pulling out my copy the next time something went wrong.

Even more than that, if I hold onto bitterness it keeps me from my purpose. It keeps me from being close to God. It keeps me from being able to receive anything He wants to bless me with.

She gave the example, "If a hypocrite is standing between you and God, then the hypocrite is closer to God than you are." Of course, you can substitute "hypocrite" with anything but it's so true! Because I had been holding onto bitterness, there had been a wall blocking me from being exactly where God needed me to be in our relationship. But let me tell you, the wall was bulldozed that day! There was some remodeling and it had to go!

We did this exercise where we would each talk to a leader as if we were talking to whoever hurt us. We would say whatever we felt we needed to say to that person, and forgive them. Really forgive them. Then the leader would speak back to us.

When it was my turn I didn't know what exactly to say, but then I started and began having some talks; I worked my way down the list and really, truly forgave everyone. It was nice to hear the things that I thought I always needed to hear from those people, but it didn't do as much as I always thought it would. The real joy came from being so lighthearted!

The best way to be the least effective Christian is to hold onto bitterness, fear, anxiety, and anger. The devil doesn't get intimidated when we're in church or things of that nature, He gets intimidated when we're walking in our purpose! So he will bring situation after situation to keep you tied down so you don't fulfill your purpose.

You have to let go of it! You have to start walking in your purpose, not only for your own well-being, but for the benefit of others.

"The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11  He wants to bless you and lead you into your purpose, but He can't if you're holding onto things.

I can say this with total honesty: All the pains in my life have been a passage to my miracle! This weekend was a miracle! And now I'm finally open to walking in my purpose!

I so appreciate everyone for taking the time to read these posts of epic proportions! I'm just no good at limiting my mind or my mouth! I have just one more post that is connected with the encounter. It's a big one for me, and it came as a complete surprise to me, just like the rest of the encounter, and it was another reminder of how perfect God is and how deeply He loves me.

The Encounter pt. 4: Letting Go

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 Up until this moment (which would've been Saturday), God was preparing me. He set my journey into motion, He led me into situation after situation that set my focus on Him. In counseling I discovered a lot of the issues that held me down. Then, God opened my eyes to the biggest pain of all. I began to see the condition of my heart and realize just what holding onto everything had done to it. But now, my mind had started to change: these events didn't cause the permanent damage that I thought they had. If I could open my heart to Him and give Him every hurt and care, He would get to work. And not only that, He's been waiting for me to do that all along.


My heart was ready. I knew what I needed to do and I had no desire to hold onto anything anymore. It's funny because I've heard all these things before ("cast your cares upon Him", etc etc) and I even believed them, but this weekend I saw it all in a new way. Like it was new to me. Like it was real to me. Since I started this journey, and probably even a little before, I wanted to let go but I didn't know how to physically, step by step do that. You know, in practical terms, what does "giving it to God" mean? How do you do that? I would even ask people that and couldn't get an answer other than "just give it to God" or "just have faith." I couldn't just say, "oh I'm giving it to God" because I didn't know how.

Saturday morning, message after message peeled back the layers of uncertainty of how to go about this.Without making you read an insane amount like the last several days, I'll try to go through it and just touch on things that stood out to me. One beautiful and powerful demonstration was shared (which I'll share about on the last day). Then a powerful woman, Helen Trowbridge, spoke about how God wants us to stop just surviving, and start thriving. We can't do that until we love ourselves and let go of the past. We don't have to be known by the past anymore, God can give us a new "name".
[She told the story of Jakub wrestling with God and how he wouldn't let go until God blessed him. God asked his name (which meant deceiver) and then gave him a new name (that meant struggles with God). When He asked his name, He wasn't just being literal, He was asking what he used to be known as (tricking his father for his brother's birthright) and then gave him a new character.]
Whatever we used to be known as (jealous, co-dependent, insecure, depressed, etc) can be changed. God can give us a new character. But in order to be changed, you have to give it to God. "What you don't reveal, God cannot heal."

At some point in the day, we were in our small groups and given a large nail. It was to represent what we needed to give to God, the thing in our lives that He's already paid the price for. We were going to go up and, one by one, nail it onto the cross as our group leader prayed over us. Some people had the nail represent one large thing. Others, like myself, attached a note with the nail. I can't tell you how excited I was for this. I knew the things that held me down and I was ready to put it where it belonged, on the cross. I'd be lying if I said mine wasn't the longest list in my group, but in a strange way, that excited me. I was able to give it all. (Haha, as we were waiting in line I remembered more, so I had to go back and get my pen! God wanted it all to come out!)

When it was my turn, I kept with the symbolism and nailed it at the foot of the cross. I was surprised at how hard it was to get that dang nail in there! In fact, at one point, (when I thought I was getting somewhere) I hit it and it flew out! My group leader jokingly said, "see the devil doesn't want you to give all this up, but no devil, it's going in!" I laughed but it's true ya know, he doesn't want us to let go of our issues because that's how he keeps us from trusting in God and reaching our full potential. And I'm glad it was hard! (Going with the symbolism) it was hard to get to that point of letting it all go. This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life and nailing my list to the cross was a reminder of that.

When it was in though, it was a perfect representation of how I finally felt. The weight of carrying all the pain and sorrow that I've held onto for a decade was finally out of my hands. I thought that was it, that was what God had wanted all along. But would you know, He still took it one step further!