One More Down

I'll cut to the chase... this week something wonderful happened. I'm talking so good that for the past several days, the memories come back so fresh, it's like I'm experiencing it all over again. I'm wary to share this with you because it may take over an inappropriate amount of your life, but I feel like I wouldn't be kind if I kept it to myself.

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That's right. A blueberry peach cobbler with a crust so perfect, you'll eat way more than you should. I made this recipe when we had some of our favorite people over, and even though I was going to my midwife for a weigh-in the next day, I ate the entire "single serving" ramekin that was before me. Jakub made some whipped cream that we put on top, and it was such a good combination that I didn't care if I gained 8 lbs from it, I wasn't going to leave one bit of it behind.

If you need a simple recipe that means business, choose this one. I couldn't imagine being disappointed by it. Any occasion would be the perfect time to whip this up.

As you can tell, I'm much rounder this week than I have been in the past, and the cobbler may have had something to do with it. [Worth it.] I feel like my belly has just exploded over the last few weeks, and I can't wrap my mind around the idea that we just have four more weeks left. 

You'd think I never learned about the birds and the bees because I keep asking myself, "how does this happen?!"

 At the midwife appointment that I mentioned earlier, I had gained a total of 32 lbs! I haven't mentally struggled with the idea of gaining weight this whole pregnancy, but I still have a couple weeks left and I was hoping that sort of number might be my end weight gain ha. I'm not worried though because I've been healthy and I feel great. The midwife did say as she was feeling around that we may be looking at an 8 pound baby. Now, yes, that is a larger size than I was hoping for, but I'll take that any day over my lovely husband's 11 pound entrance into the world.

Speaking of babies, I was sorting old pictures at my granny's house this week and found several of when I was younger. I'll just say this: if this baby is anything like me it's gonna take some time to adjust to this whole "being cute" thing. The only positive I had going for me as a baby was that I had a lot of hair (albeit static in almost every picture). But I was a pretty decent toddler. I know everyone thinks their baby is cute, but I can't see myself being completely blinded by love into thinking we got a hottie on our hands. If, on the off change that I'm not blind, I'll at least be able to hold onto the idea of potential. Because if I can do it, you can do it too little baby. (This is not to say I'll love my baby any less if it's not drop dead gorgeous. We'll just come up with other adjectives to describe them than the typical, "ohh this is the most beautiful baby in the world!" And really, that could be a good thing because then we can teach our kid that there's so much more to life than appearances).

Take for example, when you look down to see your 36-week-pregnant  feet swollen for the first time to the point where you can't hardly put your shoes on that you were wearing just a few hours earlier. No matter how normal that is for this stage of pregnancy, that's a good time to be reminded that beauty isn't everything. It's also a good time to be thankful for not being pregnant in the winter, when you actually need to have shoes on to go back home.

Week 36 was great, and the start of week 37 was even better. I'll be back later to talk about that.

Six Weeks

Six measly weeks.

 That's how much time is left before my little family grows to three, before our lives are changed forever, before we each take on new roles and new experiences that make us into different people. 

Each day that passes brings more preparations that need to be taken care of for this expansion, but I can honestly say that I'm ready. At least for the moment, I'm ready. I'm ready to put in the work to get this baby into the world. I'm ready to see everything with new eyes, and I'm ready to experience it all with Jakub.

Most of all, I'm ready to show this baby what beauty the world has to offer. The past several weeks in particular, our time has overwhelmingly been spent in the company of some amazing individuals, some of which were perfect strangers. If there was ever a time in which I understood why God made us for community, it is now. My heart has been thirsting for a life like this, and it feels so good to be moving toward individuals the way I was created to. It's amazing how much richer life becomes when you take the time to be more intentional with the people around you, from the people standing next to you in line to the people you see day in and day out. I'm ready to show this baby what love can do in the world. And I know that sentence just oozes idealism and, perhaps to some, naivety, but I don't care! It's authentic and powerful, and that's enough for me.

Before I go I should probably give a little update because lets be honest, who knows how long it will be until I post again! I've been in my third trimester since I last posted and since then, I've had a few midwife appointments, ate my way through Oregon for the third time, had the most wonderful baby shower, and spent too many nights with incredible people up way passed my bedtime. Did I mention I'm up to about two naps a day on average? By that statement alone it's clear to see I'm living the good life! Until next time, friends!

26 Weeks, a Birthday, and Some Thoughts

 You know what's lovely? Having a chef for a husband on your birthday, because you get the most delicious breakfast in bed.

He made me brioche french toast stuffed with strawberries and mascarpone cheese with blackberry syrup, with a side of bacon and then homemade banana pudding (as if the french toast wasn't dessert enough), all with a big glass of chocolate milk. What can I say, the guy knows the way to my pregnant heart.

With each bite of the french toast, I kept saying to myself, "this can't be real. nothing is this good!" (And again, I was talking to myself so you know I wasn't just trying to make Jakub feel good about his efforts...I was dumbfounded). I'm pretty sure if you could see my face, you would have thought I was in pain. But oh, I was in heaven in the worst way. I also spent that time rethinking what my life would be like if I hadn't married such a fantastic cook, how sad and mundane my life would be if I had just married any ol' bloat. Then I couldn't believe that we had been together for almost five years and this was the first time he was making it for me! I almost felt like he was holding on me for all these years.

 He's made some incredible meals during our days together, but french toast is on a whole other level of goodness, and luckily this breakfast will find a permanent resting place on a special holiday yet to be determined. That way, our future kids will always have at least one thing to point to as proof that life is good, and that their parents are worth putting up with. Well, at least Jakub. I may have to find something up my own sleeve to keep them hooked.

Aside from being a great chef, Jakub is also incredibly thoughtful and can make even the most simple moments special. My birthday was filled with so many instances of this. From the gift he made to surprising me with a prenatal massage at the Canebrake--that's right, I got to go back to those massage rooms I was talking about in my last post, and it was a dream come true!--to the nighttime bike ride, and the midnight adventure outside, every moment was special because he was right there with me. I know this is just a big puddle of sap, but what can I say, he did this to me! There was no one else I wanted to spend each of those experiences with, and I was so thankful to be sharing those moments together before the baby comes.

It seems like the past 26 weeks have been a stockpile of amazingly ordinary moments that deepen our understanding of each other, both individually and as a couple, and highlight what sort of values we consider to be important for the future of our family.

I hope we both keep creativity at the forefront of how we experience life and demonstrate love. I hope we take the time to step out of our routines to enjoy little moments, and I hope we teach our children to be explorers and scientists, artists and thinkers. I hope we give them the encouragement to take risks and the confidence to know that we will love them no matter what. I want them to feel comfortable to talk to us about issues and I hope I'm in tuned enough to know what they need for each moment, whether it's encouragement or the opportunity to figure things out the hard way. Most importantly, I want them to know and feel the love of God. I want to teach them that it's more than doing the right things or having it all together; that some of the most important times in their lives will be when nothing looks like it makes sense. That in those moments, they need to be still and vigilant, because God will show up and do something out-of-this-world, but they'll miss it if they're not careful.

I can't imagine how hard it is as a parent to make the decision to let your kid make mistakes or learn things through difficulty. But I don't want to become their savior in circumstances and in doing so, make them miss the glimpses of God and his magnificent love and power. I don't want to get in the way of the things God could teach my children. As Meg reminded me the other day, God didn't say he'd keep you from the fire; he said that he would be with you through it. He didn't say he wouldn't let the water get too deep; he said he wouldn't let it overtake you. My kids will go through valleys and storms, but he'll be there and he can get them through it better than Jakub and I could.

Even though I have all sorts of ideas of what I think is important in a family and plans on how to get things accomplished, who knows what sort of parent I'll actually be. I have no idea what it will actually be like until I'm in the thick of it and until I learn how this little baby fits into our family. There are so many factors that go into a life, and a family; I just hope I remember to give myself grace in the moments I get away from the parent I hope to be. I guess those moments are there for parents to show kids that it's ok to be flawed. Hopefully my pride won't get in the way of showing them what it means to live in community with each other.

Man... there's just so much that goes into being a parent! How is there enough time to get all of this across in a way that they recognize it and hold onto it, without turning every moment into a lesson?

Oh geez, I'm doing it again; I'm worrying about things that will come in their own timing, and today is definitely not the day to be concerned with them.

Week Thirteen

Yesterday Jakub and I went searching for morels on our friend's land. Every time we go exploring there, it's a completely unique experience. I may be partial since it's the place we got engaged, but it's one of my favorite places in Oklahoma. Every time we're there I think about the past and where our lives are now, and just how lucky I am to be his wife.

Although we had no luck in finding morels, we had quite the lovely hike on the most perfect rainy day. It rained almost the entire 3 hours we were there, but there were a few breaks in the clouds so we grabbed the opportunity to take our weekly pictures. Here's a few of my favorites, but I must say, I love how talented my husband is.

I also love that I have a partner who loves to explore outside no matter the weather or circumstances. It makes me feel secure that our little one will have a full life, not limited by such trivial things as a little rain or what have you. I'm getting very excited in thinking about all of the experiences we will give our baby.

On some level, I worry about how other parents or adults might view our style of parenting. Although we haven't actually developed our own style yet, I see a lot of parents who constantly tell their children "no" and while I understand their reasoning behind it, I don't think that we will always be giving the same advice in the same situations. I'm thankful that I'm going to school for a career that gives me a lot of training and knowledge when it comes to the stages of life and what good parenting looks like. Like most parents I fully intend to be the best parent I can, but I think my view of a good parent looks different from a lot of the people around me. And while I obviously will care more about how my parenting is affecting my child, I will also be concerned that some things I may (or may not) do will offend, or at least inconvenience, those around me.

That went further off topic than I initially imagined, but it is a concern I think I need to "air out."

On another side note, nothing will make you feel freer than wearing some rain boots on a hike like the one we took yesterday. I've gone out to that land many times in my vans, having to vigilantly place my feet in a strategic pattern. But rain boots make you feel like you can conquer the world. I think I purposely stepped in every puddle, stream, or river on that property yesterday, each time with an air of confidence and rebellion.

The night before last, we went to an amazing concert. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, with Rocco Deluca opening for them, at the Cain's Ballroom. I love watching bigger bands perform and interact together. And they definitely brought an energy to the Cain's through their music and performance that set the crowd on fire. Granted, there were a bunch of hippies there, I'd never seen a crowd so collectively happy at a concert before. It was the baby's "first" concert and and it was such a neat experience. Speaking of, in the middle of one of the songs Alex, the lead singer, asked if anyone was pregnant there. A few hands shot up and he was like "wow!" and then after a short pause continued, " what I mean by that, is just the miracle of life...WOOOOWW!!!!" It was so funny to watch him get excited about that thought, and honestly so random. I mean, have you ever been to a concert where they interrupt for such a topic? It was certainly a first for me. 

I loved that night, and luckily the three of us have a couple more concerts to look forward to in the next week, and then also in April. 

I couldn't ask more for my life right now, I'm so content and feel so lucky to be a part of all that is happening.

Also on that note, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has offered support or well-wishes since we shared our news. It has been so heart warming to know we are so loved!

And one last thing about this past week (when I was 12 weeks), which I will keep it short because this is a long post. We had an appointment with our midwife and when she began to measure me, she exclaimed that I was growing right along, and then saw that I measured at 14 weeks! She said that there's a possibility I could be further a long than we are thinking, or the baby might have gone through a growth spurt. We won't find out until our 20 week ultrasound if we are as far along as we previously thought, or if this baby is just growing at its own pace (which hopefully will not equal a big baby!) I guess we'll just have to wait and see! 

Have a good day everyone! Thanks for reading!

One down...

Well my first trimester is over and done with. It was filled with so many unexpected feelings, ideas, and experiences, but I've really enjoyed it so far.

The greatest feelings came from getting to tell our family and friends in such creative ways, and none of them catching on until just the right time, and getting to feel their excitement and love for us.

I had no idea the wide range of emotions that come with the idea of becoming a parent and taking on the responsibility that lay ahead of us, but luckily I have some great friends to settle my nerves and re-spark my excitement every time I need it.

We found our midwife early on, and I'm so thankful that I did some research on the kind of birth I wanted beforehand so that I wouldn't be starting from scratch. I really feel like my midwife can offer me the best chance I have at the birth I want and I'm so excited to see how that will play out.

We had two ultrasounds in the 7th and 8th week, and it's amazing to look at them and think of how developed the baby is now. It's quite astounding that in a measley 6 weeks, the baby has grown from the size of a lentil to a lime! We heard its heartbeat for the first time on February 28th and that was an amazing feeling. I keep convincing myself that I'm not really pregnant, so I end up reliving the "I'm pregnant!" realization each opportunity I get to hear or see it live.

The constant nausea and fatigue ended on the sunniest day of my ninth week. This was the biggest blessing and I feel so lucky to have not gone the full trimester feeling like I had been. We also made our first baby purchase, and started moving things around to make room for this little lady (or fella).
 [we both think it'll be a girl]

In my tenth week, I started showing. While I understand it was probably only noticeable to me, I was so stunned because of how quickly I felt my body was already changing.

The eleventh week came and I started feeling flutters in my stomach. Now, I'm not saying for sure this is necessarily the baby since I've never known what that feels like, but it doesn't seem like it could be anything else. That, or I'm crazy. We also started a little library and record collection for this baby and I'm getting very excited of the possibilities with introducing it to the things we love.

Yesterday was 12 weeks and I feel like I'm well into "the fat stage" of pregnancy. However, I'm trying to enjoy each moment of this little roller coaster, instead of wishing for things to speed up or slow down, and that includes feeling like I'm trying to fit into clothes made for a little girl. I will certainly never take this stage for granted.

I'm now onto my second trimester and I hope it's filled with as much joy, adventure, and love as the first.

 I'll try to keep this updated as best as I can, but these next two months will be a ringer with school.

Yet Another List

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"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

I have been quiet in this space lately. It's not because I haven't wanted to write, but rather, I couldn't find my voice. In many aspects of my life, this has been a season for me to not talk. To instead, be still and know. Or, in many cases, be still and learn. Sometimes it was even, be still and just wait. And to be honest with you, it's quite comforting to shut up sometimes and not try to have the right thing to say.

While my voice has been astray, my mind has still been going as wild as ever. I've been reading some good books that have challenged me and I hope to discuss them another time. However, for this post I'd like to take a minute to look back at my list of goals I made last year and to see what goals I have cookin' for this year.

As I read through the small list of goals, I was surprised that I had accomplished almost everything I wrote down. Although it was a small list, the contents felt larger than I could handle. Seeing how each of these goals impacted my life this year encouraged me to do another one. So, here it is:

List for 2012

• I still want to get more involved with some sort of group or organization and live outside of myself while connecting to others.
• I want to be more spontaneous and a little more lighthearted.
• Continue living a more mindful and healthy life.
• Participate in something even more outlandish than Warrior Dash!
• Dedicate more time to developing my photography and writing skills.
• Spend more time in prayer.
• I want to continue to do activities or make decisions that go against who I always thought I was or would ever be. (Don't worry mom, I'm talking about positively going against my self-perceptions.)
• Finally get that tattoo I've been dreaming about. 
• De-clutter and simplify my life. 
• Live courageously enough to take each step one at a time. 
• Travel more.
• And lastly, be more reckless with my love.

My husband would probably want me to add "eat less candy" to the list, but I don't want to be foolish. I think this is a great starting point for this year, and I can't wait to review the list this time next year to see how these goals have impacted my life.

Happy New Years everyone!

Not To Yield

To strive, to seek, to find,

 and not to yield.

-Lord Alfred Tennyson, Ulysses

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It's Just One of Those Days...

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You know those days where you wake up and the air seems to be clearer, the birds are more chipper, and everything just exudes a certain amount of electricity that on other days you can't help but miss?! Well folks, today is one of those days for me! I think this is due, in part, to a few things:

• I am truly enjoying my life right now, so much so that I have nearly stopped looking towards the future with anxiety (which is so unlike me). I've always felt a desperate need to know the direction my life was going in, but now I am basically giving up on that and just enjoying each moment and being aware of how each one is changing me into the woman I'll need to be in the future. 

• At 23, my life is about learning to balance responsibility while maintaining youthfulness. I think not stressing about the future has given me so much time to realize where I am now and to really enjoy this stage in life. It's the first time where I actually feel my age and it's so nice! Taking advantage of every opportunity (and challenge) that comes my way, instead of worrying about the "what if's" in life has helped me to see life and love in a more beautiful picture than what I was used to.

• After not having to be employed for the last two years, it was quite a shock to my system to have to take up so much responsibility for my family. There were so many moments that challenged my selfish nature, as well as my spiritual beliefs; it's been harder than I thought but it has also been so rewarding. I have a better idea of the kind of person I am and I'm so glad I wasn't given the opportunity to stay the way I was, because I know I would have; it would've been the easier road, but I would not know what I am capable of. There have been things each step of the way that I have been terrified of, and luckily each step of the way I have had to overcome those things. Living outside of yourself is the only way to really live, and I see that now.

• I have been so inspired by everything around me lately and it has completely affected the thoughts that come into my head. I've loved watching my husband get inspired and experiment with new things. Seeing his excitement for things has given me a new sense of joy that I hadn't known before. We've had so much fun working with each other to make a life for ourselves that is completely unique to our tastes and beliefs. I see the kind of man he is and it just gives me so much hope. Life is an amazing thing and I can't seem get enough of it!

Ukulele Lovin'

I've always wanted to learn to play an instrument but never fully committed because I thought I was either a) not cool enough or b) too old to learn something like that. I thought the only way to really be good at something is to learn it when you're young, so by default I was destined to a pretty boring life.

However, a few months back I was talking to my friend, Meg, and she mentioned that she taught herself how to play the guitar. I squealed out with excitement and pure jealousy, "No!!! I've always wanted to play an instrument but I just can't." And do you know what she replied with?! She simply said, "hey, you still can." Right then the clouds parted and a beam of light fell upon me; everything was different, it all made sense. Everything was brighter!

Ok, that's probably not true, but that's how it felt in my head. I had resigned myself to a life void of any musical ability, as if my life has already been set in stone. The way she said it, it was so obvious: I still can. Why had I never thought of that before?! I'm only 22 and I'd assume I have a lot of life left in me.

With this new revolution, I've been contemplating what kind of instrument would really tickle my fancy. Though I'm still weighing the options, I'm pretty drawn to the ukulele. This morning I was looking up some videos on youtube and came across this little boy:



Is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen?! If playing the ukulele can give me that much joy and passion (and range of emotions ha), sign me up! Maybe one day I'll be fancy enough to play a song and end it like he did: with an automatic "Tank you," as if he knows you liked what he just did!

A Vague Rambling To Most

It's amazing to me what sort of things you can witness here on this earth. Things happen that take the breath right out of you and just knock you back.

I feel like I've been knocked around a few times with a 2x4 in the chest and over the head. When I think about the challenges that are stacked against each of us, and the awful circumstances that arise, I can't hardly breathe and I certainly can't put things together or make sense of it.

I'm starting to count it as a blessing that I really don't know everything.

That leaves me in the best state I can be: trusting on Jesus to get me through each moment. I analyze everything in my life, from every angle I can imagine (some might call it "beating a dead horse") but it's moments like these that show me that the best understanding I can get in this world is that I will never understand why things play out the way they do. Thankfully, through all the heartache and pain, our world is covered with Love and because of that, you are guaranteed to see beauty in the most unlikely circumstances. And it shines most brightly in the the areas that are so deeply contrasted to it.

In these last few years I've seen troubles in ways I'd never imagine, ways that are so surreal I can hardly believe it, but one thing is true: my family is everything to me. This microcosm of people have impressed on me ideas and experiences that I'd never come to otherwise. But not mostly, not even usually, in the ideal way: through deep, thoughtful conversation; it has happened by going through the fire, the pit of life, together. We are a wild bunch, but I will never give up hope that Love will shine through, especially in the depths. This family has seen a world of hurt, so we're in line for a lot of beauty. There are so many things coming at us, trying to break us but I, for one, will fight tooth and nail for these people. The most beautiful part about it is, through it all, God is faithful and abounding in  love, peace, hope, healing, strength, and he doesn't shy away easily ; )

"It is now clear to me that the family is a microcosm of the world. To understand the world, we can study the family: issues such as power, intimacy, autonomy, trust, and communication skills are vital parts underlying how we live in the world. To change the world is to change the family."  --Virginia Satir

p.s.-I'll be away from my blog for the better half of this next week. Enjoy yourselves and may God shower you with beauty.

Some [BIG] Little Reminders

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With the amount of things God hits me with, you'd think he's abusive! But don't worry, they're more like love taps. Love sucker-punches if you wanna be real about it : )

After my last post, I thought maybe it sunk in this time; I've learned my lesson. But it looks like I'm getting to learn this lesson a million different ways to really get it!

Here's some reminders I was given bombarded with this morning when I was brushing my teeth, asking God to speak to me in a way that I could hear:

• God obviously has a different plan than you do. You've seen how great his work is in the past and how far it surpasses what you had in mind, so get excited about his plan rather than anxious about your own!
• Stop pouting and being concerned with getting your way and get into step with him so you can be a part of what he's going to do! He can use all things for good, but why not go with his original plan for once?!
• God is giving you this time to really learn to submit to his will, not to be kicking and screaming until you get what you want. You're fine with people having different plans or ideas than you, but if it effects you, you've never been good at submitting to them. Like pastor Ed said, "submission only comes with conflict. Otherwise, you're just walking alongside them." If you really are a Christ follower, you've got to follow him!
• Thank him for letting you be a part of what he has in store and for not being a God who caves in to every beck and call you send his way. That, instead, he is a Father with his child's best interest at heart and is willing to put up with your stubbornness in order to get you to see that!
• He always answers your pleas in the perfect way! He is not a God that bends to you, get that in your head already! He is Sovereign. He is your Shepherd and he is leading you to greener pastures! He will uphold you through the journey with his grace. He is sufficient for you in this time.

• Sometimes God doesn't answer in the way you want because you're not praying in the way he wants. Your prayers are selfish and if what you're praying for goes against his will, you can't expect an answer you'd like. Sometimes not hearing from him is better than hearing what he has to say. Pray for your desires to match up with his will or for him to change the desires of your heart!

 After scribbling all of this down, I opened my daily devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (you should get it!), and it went right along with all of this, so I thought I'd share it. (It's written as if God were speaking to you directly):

     Save your best striving for seeking My face. I am constantly communicating with
     you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything
     that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get
     your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-
     mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of My Presence
     shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits
     into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I
     will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then
     the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece.
     1 Chronicles 16:11; Matthew 6:33

I won't say I've got it this time, but it's certainly sunk in for this moment in the day and that is the biggest blessing! I'm so glad he roughs me up with reminders to constantly reorient myself towards him.

How Quickly I've Forgotten

How did this happen? I feel like I just got slapped in the face with the truth about 10 minutes ago. That's always a humbling feeling, isn't it?!

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Well, if you've read many of my blog posts, you'd know that in the end of January I experienced a pretty life changing weekend. The hurts, mistakes and failures that had been running my life for years culminated into one grand demonstration of God's unfailing love, mercy and creativity. I was finally at peace.

For years all I had wanted was to have a breather. To have a period in time where I didn't feel like I was being swallowed up by the problems around me. It was always one thing right after another and I needed to catch my breath.

I saw just how deliberate God has worked my life into being. He is in full control. I have free will, but he can ultimately work it all together for his purpose. I trusted him so fully, so why was I starting to get frustrated with my life? I'm always wanting things to be going right, and now that they are, I'm just wanting the next thing in my life to hurry up and come. I've always been a rather impatient person when it comes to things that I want out of life (just ask Jakub). The stupid thing is--the thing that slapped me upside the head-- I was subconsciously willing to trade in this moment in time where I can be at peace and rest in his Presence each day, for being impatient about the future and worrying when it will all come to pass! How could I already be over something I've waited so long to have? How insane is that?! It doesn't even make sense now that I've been able to examine the way I've been feeling and put it into words.

I'm not in any way ready to give up the peace that comes from walking in his Presence and leaning on him. He has spoken into my heart and life so clearly these past months so why would I be foolish enough to think that something could be better for me right now than this? I get a chance to sit at his feet whenever I want, with no distractions. This is where I'm supposed to be right now.

What it boils down to is this: I was trying to take control of my life again because of the fear that what I want will not come when it's supposed to. But God knows the desires of my heart and he is a father that delights in taking care of me. He is the God of perfect timing. Seeing how he has so intricately pieced my story together so far, I need to relinquish my desire to control things and act on the faith that I have in him.. Everything will happen in the right time and right now, I get to breathe easy and rest in his unfailing love.

"Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:15

Let's Take A Moment To Imagine

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This is where I'm at. I'm so excited about life and what it holds. This feeling is rather new to me, so it's like I'm starting from scratch. "The fear of the unknown" goes all the way to what I want to do, not just how to do it. (I hope that makes sense)

I'm not good with decisions. The finality of them (or the appearance of finality) has kept me from making many. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll say I'm indecisive. I don't like to pick where we sit in a movie, it takes me forever to order something off a menu, I get terrified if I'm the one left to make a decision. I think this is for many reasons but they all boil down to fear. Fear of being wrong. Fear of my thoughts or ideas being rejected. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of being the one in control. You name it, I probably fear it.

I don't like being the one with the final word. In life, I am the one who has the last say in every decision and choice I make. No one else has control over me and the way I lead my life. My day to day actions and the dreams I have for myself are mine and I'm the one that chooses the path to get me there. This has left me at a stalemate in nearly every area of my life.

Thankfully though, I am shedding my life of fear and trading it in for a life of curiosity. The past months have shown me that even though I determine which way to go, God ultimately has the final word in the outcome of my path. If I would stop trying to control my situation by worrying and would leave the decisions up to God and simply take a step as He leads, I could enjoy the journey instead of resisting every step of the way. This is where I'm at.
[sidenote: How much sense does it make that I don't like making decisions, but I am a controller?!]

I can stop living based on the lives of others--People my age should be done with college. They should at least have a firm plan with what they want to do with their lives. etc--and give myself the freedom to be who I am. To go where I'm called. To live the life designed for me. To even have the courage to find out what that life is.

So, do I know where I'm headed? Heck no, but I sure am curious. : )

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 
2 Timothy 1:7