To Love Somebody

Three weeks have passed since Eisley joined our family. I don't know how to describe it, but she is perfect for us; she was made with the biggest dose of curiosity, just enough stubbornness, and too much sweetness to belong to anyone else.

Almost daily I think about all the little details of how she came into our lives, partly so I won't forget them and partly because I can't believe it actually happened. I had a lot of ideas about how her birth would happen, while still having limited expectations. I know I havent shared her birth story yet, but as much as it unfolded in a way i never expected, it was exactly what I needed it to be. What happened in those long hours have since given me so much comfort because I know just how far Jakub and I were pushed to our limits, and we are far stronger (together and individually) than I imagined.

It was the perfect way to start the journey into parenting: with all expectations thrown out the window and learning to take it moment by moment, knowing that we're capable of handling whatever comes. I feel so much stronger knowing that we made it through something I didn't want to happen, rather than my ideal scenario playing out.

I'm so glad that was our starting point as parents because things certainly haven't been as easy as I imagined. And it's even more important, knowing that every ounce of strength used in labor and the moments since, have clearly not come from my own doing.

While some days--and most nights--have been tough, this has been the absolute sweetest time of life. I've been filled with love and passion, and a hope about things that I hope only grows with time.
I'm pretty thankful for this little woman. In only three weeks she has taught me so much about humility, love, and peace.

It's so cliche but I didn't know this depth of love before miss Eisley James came on the scene and wrecked my world. It's a shame knowing she will have to live in this world for so many years before she has children of her own and finally gets let in on this secret kind of love. I guess I'll just have to smother her with kisses until she can feel it for herself.

A New Kind of Life

Let me tell you something... this past week has been nothing short of amazing. Little Eisley James Hartlieb was born last Tuesday, October 2, at 7:42 p.m. It's still hard to know exactly how to put into words what this little lady has done to my life. I knew I would have a love like never before, but to experience that love is completely different from just knowing that kind of love exists.

Not only have I experienced a deep love for my little girl, but my love and respect for Jakub has been expanded in ways I didn't know was possible or necessary. I thought I loved him as much as I could, but to go through the birth experience with him in such a vulnerable way, and for him to be my rock through it all, I am at a loss for words to describe just how perfect he is for me. And to have the chance to witness him being transformed by this new life has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You'll have to excuse me but with all these hormones, I'm just a big pile of sap.

 This first week has gone by so quickly but I've loved every minute of it with the two loves of my life. I'm planning on writing about the story of her birth, but that will have to wait for a day when I have more time and more words. Right now I'll just say thank you to everyone who prayed for us or sent encouraging words our way. We feel quite blessed at this moment in time.

35th Week

Over the course of the last several months, there are certain things I've noticed nobody seems to mention about being pregnant. Here's just a few I can think of at the moment:

 

• While everyone talks about constantly needing to pee, no one says anything about the increased cost you'll spend on toilet paper over the course of a pregnancy. It's been so shocking to me how quickly I can go through that stuff now that I'm heading to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes of the day. I guess I could've put two and two together, but I feel like maybe this should be in at least one of those articles on baby websites about "budgeting for baby" because it's an expense I certainly didn't consider.
• Get ready to be handicapped, or at least made to feel that way. I've had numerous people question if I should be driving simply because I'm pregnant. I know they are coming from a place of love, but I couldn't help but laugh the first time I was asked this. I don't understand why having a baby inside me suddenly makes my life hazardous. Maybe my pride is keeping me oblivious to certain things but I don't feel like danger is lurking behind every corner. I'm an able-bodied person and if I'm capable of birthing a child, I think I can handle driving a car, taking a hike, or wearing high heels. Although to be honest, you will not catch me in high heels anymore. Not because it's dangerous, but because I am enjoying comfort these days and I don't think yoga pants go with high heels.
• Another thing that caught me by surprise is just how entrenched some people can be in societal norms that, when you don't go along with them, people can't seem to understand why you would possibly do that. We've made a lot of decisions for this baby that aren't typical of American norms (but they are still completely safe and rational), and each step of the way has been met with people utterly bewildered as to why we wouldn't just do what is normal. I was expecting to hear plenty of unsolicited advice when I got pregnant about how to give birth and raise my baby, but I didn't think nursery colors or deciding to cloth diaper would be topics up for discussion too. Everyone has the right to do things the way they see fit, and other people shouldn't worry about little details unless it poses a risk. However, I'm fairly certain that choosing not to decorate in traditional boy/girl color schemes will not harm the child's psyche.
• No one told me that I was not allowed to have normal feelings during pregnancy. Or that my normal feelings would be taken as raging pregnancy hormones, even when I was simply expressing an opinion, completely void of any "raging" tendencies. Don't you hate when it's your time of the month and when you respond a certain way, someone puts it off as you PMSing? Well, after 8 straight months of that, it's gotten old. I am completely aware of the instances that my hormones made me react in a way other than I would ordinarily choose, and those instances have been very limited and Jakub is one of the only two individuals to witness them. And when my hormones do get the best of me, I am just a blubbering idiot, not a woman on a rampage. But, if you want me to go on a rampage, simply look at me crazy and tell me I'm being hormonal. Then I might turn into the pregnant version of the Hulk.
• Another thing no one mentioned is just how much it means when a perfect stranger tells you you look beautiful, or makes a sweet remark about your belly. A lot of times (in my experience) the people closest to you can respond to your changing body in ways that make you feel like you just busted into the room like the Kool Aid man. I'm sure their shock to how your growing is simply because, in all the time they've known you, you haven't had a 5.5 lb. baby inside of you. That's why it's nice to be in a place surrounded by strangers: they're seeing you for the first time, as a cute pregnant lady, and the chances that one of them saying something lovely is high. They're also more conscious of what they're saying to you. I've had the pleasure of having several people stop me just to tell me I'm beautiful pregnant, and it has always seemed to be when I needed to hear it the most. Having random people stop me to talk about my beauty is not something I'm used to, but it made me question: why aren't we all doing this to each other regularly?! It's an amazing thing and you should try it, whether you're pregnant or not.
• To be fair, a few people have told me this last one: it's really not that bad. I'm definitely in the phase where doing just about anything is inconvenient or uncomfortable, but people make pregnancy out to be so much worse than it really is. Maybe it all depends on your mindset and if you believe in all the stereotypical b.s., but my pregnancy has been great. Yes, I have broken down and told Jakub that I'm ready for the baby to come out, but it's purely for selfish reasons like when I want to sleep on my stomach, or fit into pants, or have a glass of wine. Just the other week, a woman at the flea market stopped to tell me that it's really not that bad. That people who have had bad experiences want to tell you all about it, but the people who had great experiences don't feel the need to stop you and tell you all the things you need to do or all the things that are sure to happen. She was referring to childbirth, but I think the same can be said for pregnancy. While I haven't gone through childbirth yet, I have gotten married, and people were doing the same thing with marriage. When we were engaged, just about all we heard was people saying, "oh, get ready..." blah blah blah. They made it seem like it was the end of happiness, and that the only way we could find happiness was to be the first one to make our spouse miserable. Yes, marriage can be hard work, but it's the most fun I've ever had. Pregnancy comes with it's inconveniences, but it's so rewarding and exciting to experience. And I can bet that childbirth, raising a baby, or any other new experience we have will have it's fill of difficulties, but will ultimately be outweighed by the goodness in it. 

So, to those of you that are pregnant or will one day be pregnant, don't take to heart all the advice everyone has to offer. Think for yourself and be confident in who God made you and the mind he gave you.

And to those of you who are related to, or in any way aware of, someone who is pregnant and you're thinking about putting in your two cents, shut it down! Instead, tell her she will love being pregnant, that she is strong enough to endure childbirth, and she will be a brilliant new mom. If you want to add even more joy and comfort to her life, tell her she's got a beautiful body. But not in a creepy way. That won't help anyone.

Six Weeks

Six measly weeks.

 That's how much time is left before my little family grows to three, before our lives are changed forever, before we each take on new roles and new experiences that make us into different people. 

Each day that passes brings more preparations that need to be taken care of for this expansion, but I can honestly say that I'm ready. At least for the moment, I'm ready. I'm ready to put in the work to get this baby into the world. I'm ready to see everything with new eyes, and I'm ready to experience it all with Jakub.

Most of all, I'm ready to show this baby what beauty the world has to offer. The past several weeks in particular, our time has overwhelmingly been spent in the company of some amazing individuals, some of which were perfect strangers. If there was ever a time in which I understood why God made us for community, it is now. My heart has been thirsting for a life like this, and it feels so good to be moving toward individuals the way I was created to. It's amazing how much richer life becomes when you take the time to be more intentional with the people around you, from the people standing next to you in line to the people you see day in and day out. I'm ready to show this baby what love can do in the world. And I know that sentence just oozes idealism and, perhaps to some, naivety, but I don't care! It's authentic and powerful, and that's enough for me.

Before I go I should probably give a little update because lets be honest, who knows how long it will be until I post again! I've been in my third trimester since I last posted and since then, I've had a few midwife appointments, ate my way through Oregon for the third time, had the most wonderful baby shower, and spent too many nights with incredible people up way passed my bedtime. Did I mention I'm up to about two naps a day on average? By that statement alone it's clear to see I'm living the good life! Until next time, friends!

26 Weeks, a Birthday, and Some Thoughts

 You know what's lovely? Having a chef for a husband on your birthday, because you get the most delicious breakfast in bed.

He made me brioche french toast stuffed with strawberries and mascarpone cheese with blackberry syrup, with a side of bacon and then homemade banana pudding (as if the french toast wasn't dessert enough), all with a big glass of chocolate milk. What can I say, the guy knows the way to my pregnant heart.

With each bite of the french toast, I kept saying to myself, "this can't be real. nothing is this good!" (And again, I was talking to myself so you know I wasn't just trying to make Jakub feel good about his efforts...I was dumbfounded). I'm pretty sure if you could see my face, you would have thought I was in pain. But oh, I was in heaven in the worst way. I also spent that time rethinking what my life would be like if I hadn't married such a fantastic cook, how sad and mundane my life would be if I had just married any ol' bloat. Then I couldn't believe that we had been together for almost five years and this was the first time he was making it for me! I almost felt like he was holding on me for all these years.

 He's made some incredible meals during our days together, but french toast is on a whole other level of goodness, and luckily this breakfast will find a permanent resting place on a special holiday yet to be determined. That way, our future kids will always have at least one thing to point to as proof that life is good, and that their parents are worth putting up with. Well, at least Jakub. I may have to find something up my own sleeve to keep them hooked.

Aside from being a great chef, Jakub is also incredibly thoughtful and can make even the most simple moments special. My birthday was filled with so many instances of this. From the gift he made to surprising me with a prenatal massage at the Canebrake--that's right, I got to go back to those massage rooms I was talking about in my last post, and it was a dream come true!--to the nighttime bike ride, and the midnight adventure outside, every moment was special because he was right there with me. I know this is just a big puddle of sap, but what can I say, he did this to me! There was no one else I wanted to spend each of those experiences with, and I was so thankful to be sharing those moments together before the baby comes.

It seems like the past 26 weeks have been a stockpile of amazingly ordinary moments that deepen our understanding of each other, both individually and as a couple, and highlight what sort of values we consider to be important for the future of our family.

I hope we both keep creativity at the forefront of how we experience life and demonstrate love. I hope we take the time to step out of our routines to enjoy little moments, and I hope we teach our children to be explorers and scientists, artists and thinkers. I hope we give them the encouragement to take risks and the confidence to know that we will love them no matter what. I want them to feel comfortable to talk to us about issues and I hope I'm in tuned enough to know what they need for each moment, whether it's encouragement or the opportunity to figure things out the hard way. Most importantly, I want them to know and feel the love of God. I want to teach them that it's more than doing the right things or having it all together; that some of the most important times in their lives will be when nothing looks like it makes sense. That in those moments, they need to be still and vigilant, because God will show up and do something out-of-this-world, but they'll miss it if they're not careful.

I can't imagine how hard it is as a parent to make the decision to let your kid make mistakes or learn things through difficulty. But I don't want to become their savior in circumstances and in doing so, make them miss the glimpses of God and his magnificent love and power. I don't want to get in the way of the things God could teach my children. As Meg reminded me the other day, God didn't say he'd keep you from the fire; he said that he would be with you through it. He didn't say he wouldn't let the water get too deep; he said he wouldn't let it overtake you. My kids will go through valleys and storms, but he'll be there and he can get them through it better than Jakub and I could.

Even though I have all sorts of ideas of what I think is important in a family and plans on how to get things accomplished, who knows what sort of parent I'll actually be. I have no idea what it will actually be like until I'm in the thick of it and until I learn how this little baby fits into our family. There are so many factors that go into a life, and a family; I just hope I remember to give myself grace in the moments I get away from the parent I hope to be. I guess those moments are there for parents to show kids that it's ok to be flawed. Hopefully my pride won't get in the way of showing them what it means to live in community with each other.

Man... there's just so much that goes into being a parent! How is there enough time to get all of this across in a way that they recognize it and hold onto it, without turning every moment into a lesson?

Oh geez, I'm doing it again; I'm worrying about things that will come in their own timing, and today is definitely not the day to be concerned with them.

25 Weeks And A Whole Lot of Happiness

This picture was taken the other day when we went foraging with the Chef and Owner of The Canebrake for a dinner Jakub is helping out with tomorrow at the resort. If you are wanting to get away, I'd definitely suggest this place. Sam is an awesome guy and really goes above and beyond to make you feel right at home. It should also be noted that I can't stop thinking about the massage rooms he showed us. I definitely need to go back for that!

As for today, I've just been overwhelmed with how lovely life is lately. I feel so lucky that I get to enjoy this summer break (and time before the baby comes) to do anything and everything that I feel so inclined to do, and I'm taking full advantage of it! Even though I have had plenty of time to do what I please in the past, I have never taken advantage of it quite like I am in this season. Even cleaning has become something I enjoy! The biggest difference between now and the past is most assuredly my mental state. The components of my life have relatively stayed the same, but not living every day in a pit of depression is quite possibly the most divine gift I've received.

Those days, weeks, and years spent in depression gave me a very special insight into myself and the world around me, but the days, weeks, and year since being in that pit have given me a fresh pair of eyes to see the beauty and love that's hiding in the most unsuspecting nooks and crannies of life. If you've read this blog for a while, you'll remember that last year God spent quite a bit of time teaching me to trust and follow him, and I was able to work through certain issues and completely let go of others.

Those moments in time spent with him have completely changed the everyday aspect of my life in a way I'd never imagined. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that not only was I able to move past the issues that held me in, but I was able to see such a dramatic display of God's love for me. And for all of that to happen before I entered into this stage of bringing a new life into the world just takes my breath away. I'm telling you, Jakub, the baby, and I would be in for a world of trouble if things hadn't worked out in the appropriate timing. I know this is quite the rambling post, but this thought has been with me since the moment I found out I was pregnant, and more and more each day I have seen the reverberating effects that that time has had on my life.

To be able to thoroughly enjoy every day--whether I'm folding laundry or trying out new recipes and projects--is a relatively new element in my life. It has taken some time adjusting to this new found spirit, but I am at the stage where I am unbelievably grateful for the humble life I've been given. Extravagant adventures are nice (and I get antsy to have my fair share of them), but it's so invigorating to enjoy the little things in life too.

Update: weeks 21-24

 When we came back from Chicago, we had our midwife appointment, and I was happy to hear that I finally put on some weight! Until then (or the previous midwife appointment), I had only gained 1 pound throughout the pregnancy. I was somewhat nervous because I should've gained more by then. But it finally caught up with me and in that month I had a whopping 8 lbs. of pregnancy added to me.

The night before our appointment (May 10th), Jakub felt the baby kick for the first time. I had to ask him if he felt it before he realized that that was the feeling he was looking for, but it was such a neat experience. Then the night before Mother's Day (May 12th), this little baby was kicking stronger than it ever had. When Jakub put his hand on my belly and felt it he just started laughing; I didn't even need to see if he missed it or not. It was so neat to finally get to experience it together rather than it be my own entertainment. Jakub's never felt a baby move inside of a belly before so I was so thrilled for the three of us to experience this together for the first time, each in a different way.

My mom also felt the baby kick on Mother's Day, and the baby was kicking just as strongly at that moment. This baby knows when to perform, and it was such a neat experience to share with my mom on such a special day. I'm not too keen on the holiday myself because it just sounds so grownup but I love celebrating it for my mom. And it felt like this was a present in itself, connecting us in a way that we had never known before.

On another note, somewhere between week 22 and 23, acid reflux came in full force and has been close beside me ever since. This is also the time when my new neighbors (hormones) started making themselves comfortable so this was one crazy week of changes for me (and Jakub).

For those of you who don't know, I'm planning on doing a natural water birth with my wonderful midwife, Ruth Cobb. At first we were planning on doing a home birth, but Ruth recently opened up a birth center here in Tulsa, and the tub there is calling my name! Not to mention the selection of loose leaf teas that I'm sure Jakub will be taking advantage of! Although I'd love to do a home birth, it seems like this would be the perfect place for us to welcome a baby into our family at this time.

I'm also planning on using the Hypnobabies  childbirth course for my birth. I started the course in week 23 and I am absolutely loving it! I started out studying Hypnobirthing, but this program seems to be much more complete in teaching you everything you need to know for pregnancy and birth. They also use the same techniques as individuals needing surgery who are allergic to anesthesia, so they have a higher "success rate" compared to hypnobirthing. Even if it doesn't produce a pain-free birth, it has already benefited me in changing my thinking habits about pregnancy and birth, as well as given me confidence in myself that I hadn't otherwise had. That in itself is worth the program in my opinion. 

Also, this is the week that I had to start putting effort into getting in and out of my car, getting dressed, and putting on shoes. I distinctly remember telling Jakub I never wanted to be obese because you have to put so much more work into getting around, and I like things to be as easy as they come.

 

In week 24 we had our last planned concert for the pregnancy. It was such a lovely show! Even if you don't like Bon Iver, I think you would've enjoyed the show. That could just be because my lousy "neighbors" decided to crash the party and I ended up crying through a good portion of the concert! I just couldn't take that much beauty, creativity, and spirit in one moment. I felt like a complete cheeseball, but luckily no one noticed!

I'm glad that my wild emotions don't just come out for ugly moments, when things aren't going my way. It makes me feel a little less crazy that I can feel so overwhelmed by beauty and peace, and by people enjoying a moment that it takes over me. It definitely makes me feel more human, and I feel like for this time I have a new perspective of the goodness of life and God's creativity. And for that, I can't complain.

An Update

The past few weeks have flown by. I feel like time is speeding up--how can we already be this far along into the pregnancy?! These last few weeks have been such an enjoyable time spent together just the two of us. All the concerts, bike rides, and nights out with friends have not gone unnoticed. Neither have all of the times spent sleeping in or doing whatever we pleased.

I know this chapter of our life is coming to an end as another is just beginning. I know that once we have that baby in our life we won't be able to imagine who we would be without it.  But until that moment, I want to take every chance I get to appreciate what a great life I have already, living with my fancy guy and our two crazy pups. I want to take in every opportunity we have to understand each other more and to know how to work within our strengths and weaknesses. Because if there's one thing I've learned from my family about raising kids is that it can be one heck of a ride, and I want to be a family that stays together through it all. I want to be for my kids what my mom and dad was for me.

 I must admit, I've desperately wanted kids since we first got together. We weren't sure if it would ever happen, so when it did I was surprised by my reaction. Maybe everyone goes through this because it is such a life-changing event, but I was not excited from the first moment as I had previously imagined my reaction would be. In fact, I had many talks with God along the lines of, "listen, we really don't have to do this."

There were moments of excitement and joy, but for the most part I was terrified of what this meant. This kid is going to go through heartache and awful situations, and in many ways I am going to mess up as a parent. I was struggling with myself on trying to figure out how I might protect it from certain situations, but then also realizing that some of the worst situations I had been in is where God showed his greatest displays of love to me. I want to keep them safe, but how could I steal that opportunity from them to know just how deeply God cares for them specifically. I can imagine this is a struggle that will only increase as I come to know and love this person inside of me. But for the longest time I was gripped with fear about what lay ahead.

That is, until week 15 when a day came and I was utterly excited about this new life. No event or conversation sparked this new feeling, but I was content and at peace with everything I had previously been anxious about.

 

*-

I still have moments where I over-think what the future will bring, but I am overwhelmingly excited now. I don't know if it's because of all the events that have taken place this last few weeks or what, but it's getting more real and I'm falling in love with the idea.

Week 16 started out with a little DIY makeover of one ugly old dresser to be used for the changing area. We tried to pick a fairly gender neutral color because we may be waiting until the baby arrives to find out if it's a girl or a boy.

I'm not so sure I can hold out another 5 more months after perusing the baby clothes aisles with April last week! I stayed away because I had a feeling that it would make me go weak in the knees, and I was right! Thinking of this little person living in some of those cute outfits made it feel real in the cutest, gushiest way I'd ever experienced.

We also ordered the crib and mattress and assembled it right when it came to our door. As we were putting it together, I looked around at the dresser, stroller and car seat, and the crib that was now standing in my old craft room, and was stunned that this is legitimately happening.

In fact, it may be happening sooner than we think! At our appointment today, my midwife measured me and said that I'm measuring 3 weeks further along than I am... I'm measuring at 19 weeks! At our previous appointment, I was measuring about 2 weeks further along. This means that we're either looking at a big freaking baby or we may be further along than we thought! For my sake, I'm hoping for the latter. We'll know for sure when we go to our ultrasound next month what we should be preparing for: an earlier date, or practicing more squats to get my body ready for that enormous endeavor!

Either way I can't wait to do this with Jakub and the rest of our family and friends! What an adventure it will be.

Yet Another List

photo via

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

I have been quiet in this space lately. It's not because I haven't wanted to write, but rather, I couldn't find my voice. In many aspects of my life, this has been a season for me to not talk. To instead, be still and know. Or, in many cases, be still and learn. Sometimes it was even, be still and just wait. And to be honest with you, it's quite comforting to shut up sometimes and not try to have the right thing to say.

While my voice has been astray, my mind has still been going as wild as ever. I've been reading some good books that have challenged me and I hope to discuss them another time. However, for this post I'd like to take a minute to look back at my list of goals I made last year and to see what goals I have cookin' for this year.

As I read through the small list of goals, I was surprised that I had accomplished almost everything I wrote down. Although it was a small list, the contents felt larger than I could handle. Seeing how each of these goals impacted my life this year encouraged me to do another one. So, here it is:

List for 2012

• I still want to get more involved with some sort of group or organization and live outside of myself while connecting to others.
• I want to be more spontaneous and a little more lighthearted.
• Continue living a more mindful and healthy life.
• Participate in something even more outlandish than Warrior Dash!
• Dedicate more time to developing my photography and writing skills.
• Spend more time in prayer.
• I want to continue to do activities or make decisions that go against who I always thought I was or would ever be. (Don't worry mom, I'm talking about positively going against my self-perceptions.)
• Finally get that tattoo I've been dreaming about. 
• De-clutter and simplify my life. 
• Live courageously enough to take each step one at a time. 
• Travel more.
• And lastly, be more reckless with my love.

My husband would probably want me to add "eat less candy" to the list, but I don't want to be foolish. I think this is a great starting point for this year, and I can't wait to review the list this time next year to see how these goals have impacted my life.

Happy New Years everyone!

One Year

photo via

It's been one year since I started this blog, and I'm amazed at how fast the time has gone! I'm so happy that I stepped out and took the risk of opening myself up. I think it's pretty amazing that this blog coincided with one of the most life-changing years of my life, and I'm so thankful that I was able to document some of the ups and downs and life-altering lessons I've learned along the way.

God is wild, and I'd be crazy to think the road he's led me down is anything else but to be more like him. Because of that, this has been one wild year. He has proven himself over and over this year to be true and to be beautiful.

I started this blog to document my life, knowing that I was in a liminal stage; somewhere between where I was and where I'm going. I still don't have a clear view of my future, but this year has reminded me (countless times) that it is not for me to know. Instead, I need to focus on each moment and be proud of where I am. I can't compare myself to others or what plan society would have me on; I'm on a path all my own, designed specifically for me.

I started out this year in the lowest pit of my life. Thankfully, God gave me footing and showed me that everything that was overtaking me was indeed, the most beautiful things about me. I now stand on those situations and circumstances with pride, knowing that God was with me each step of the way and he lovingly orchestrated each moment to give me hope and a future.

I learned to trust God in everything, knowing that he will not withhold anything that I need. When I prayed for understanding, he gave me wisdom. When I begged for mercy, he showered me with grace and peace. When I longed for unity, he provided a friendship unlike anything else I've ever experienced. When I asked for direction, he reminded me of who I am and why I am. And above all, he has given me the privilege of knowing how unrelenting his love is.

I don't think one thing has gone the way I planned this year. Despite how frustrating it is to see everything turned upside down and every which way but the way I wanted, I would not trade this year for anything. I'm so thankful that God sees the bigger picture and he doesn't bend to my every desire. Instead, he lovingly instructs me on a path that is terrifying and uncomfortable, knowing that it will be so much sweeter than anything my silly little imagination could doll up.

Though there is still so much pain and uncertainty around me, I am certain of one thing: God is love. I don't need to know how or when things will work out. I need to have peace in knowing that I am on the wildest adventure of my life with a God who, somehow, is wild about me and set on turning me into something he can use.

I can't even imagine what this next year will hold, but I hope to share it with you along the way!

For Your Listening Pleasure

Oh boy, did you get goosebumps too?! I hope this brings you encouragement and a little pep in your step today.

I've been kindly reminded lately just how not in control I am of so many circumstances, and this song is perfect for where I am right now (and each step of the way). Hopefully I can come back soon to go into more detail but right now I have to go pick up my niece and nephews! Have a great day everyone, may he keep you and cause his face to shine upon you!

Mercy

 I will sing of your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

 And though the pain is an ocean,

You have calmed greater waters;
Higher mountains have come down

--Jars of Clay

I'm about at my breaking point with all that is going on around me. Even though this is an uncomfortable--and completely bewildering--place to be, I know this is where I need to be.

I feel as though the breath has been knocked out of me and I am gasping, just waiting for it to return. 

His ways are not my ways and his knowledge goes far beyond mine. Life is relentless and I'm just thankful that I have a God in whom I can take refuge. My family, and my spirit seem to be getting attacked from every corner. There's no way I can do this on my own.

God is faithful, and his promises are true. He is mighty to save; he won't let you go. Above all, God is love. He has proven himself over and over, I have nothing to fear.

[note: I know this is vague; I can't seem to get much more out than this at this moment. Maybe one day.]

Creeping Up Behind Me

This is just beautiful. About as beautiful as my night is about to be. If you're lucky, I'll tell you about it later.

In the case that I don't get a chance to write about it (just like so many other things happening lately), just know that I'll be spending the evening with my husband and some dearly loved friends. This night is something that I need so badly right now and I'm taking full advantage of it. Love is a wonderful thing, and the fact that God brought us together! Don't get me started! This guy knows what He's doing!

Enjoy your night everyone!

What Do You Mean, It's Not About Me?

Pride is a sneaky little thing. It weasels its way into situations so smoothly you can hardly recognize it as what it really is. I'm noticing more and more how it shows up in my life and I've got to tell you, there's not a more humbling moment for me than when I realize how much pride I have. See, it's tricky!

Without a proper diagnosis of the problem in any particular situation, you can tend to think that the world is against you and develop a strong amount of self-pity, which isn't good for you or anyone around you. Take yesterday for example:

Jakub was participating in a yearly event in Oklahoma City with other chefs called Odyssey de Culinaire. It's probably my favorite event we do each year; getting to work with chefs showcasing their talents and taste such delicious food while raising awareness for ProStart programs is an unbeatable combination. I feel so lucky that I have had the opportunity to tag along with Jakub into the kitchen to see a side of the food industry that many don't get the opportunity to experience.

However, I'd be lying if I said everything went smoothly, at least in order to get there. The whole morning was full of things not going according to plan. It was almost comical, and if I hadn't been so mad I would have laughed! It felt like I was on candid camera; there's no way this is all happening by coincidence, I thought. Jakub was at work getting everything together while I was at home tying up loose ends and making sure our two pups were taken care of. I'm not sure how Jakub's morning went, but mine was no walk in the park. Everything I needed to do ended up having more steps than I would assume is socially acceptable. By the time I dropped Jax and Charlie off at my mother-in-law's, I was afraid I might hurt someone.

(In fact, as I walked out of her house, I heard some leaves rustling and instantly thought what if someone's waiting around the corner to kill me?--yes, I know that's a stretch, welcome to the inner workings of my mind--but my initial reaction was go ahead and try, I dare you!) I was ready to whoop some butt! And if you don't know me, that's quite a distance from my timid, people-pleasing self.

      [side note to the current side note: there have been several times I've called my
      mom because I heard a noise or seen someone outside my house and didn't know
      what to do, and each time she's said, "Well Rachel, you just gotta get mad." I never
      knew what she meant or how to do it. But now I know. I normally don't have a  
      steady amount of anger or stress in my life and I think you need that to be able to
      "get mad" to protect yourself.]

Anyway, it turned out to just be a pile of leaves instead of a murderer. But the point is, I was angry. I was fed up with things going wrong and having to do stuff that I really wasn't in the mood to do. At that moment, I felt like I was punched in the gut. The problem wasn't that everything was going wrong; the problem was my desire to preserve my own comfort. I was more worried about how circumstances were affecting me and my time and my enjoyment (read:sanity) rather than doing my part in making sure everything was taken care of so my husband could be focused on his dish without worrying about what was happening back at home. And because of that, I was lashing out at everyone around me.

I can't tell you how much the issue of pride is reoccurring in my life right now, and it's a hard lesson to learn because it comes in so many shapes and sizes. I started to realize that many of the problems I have in this world are largely due to the issues of pride and preserving my own comfort. But this is a lesson I'll gladly learn over and over in order to become more like Jesus. The only way I can effectively be a servant of Christ (and ultimately demonstrate his kind of foolish love to others) is to have a mindset of humility. Otherwise, I act like I toddler, kicking and screaming, through the moments that are meant to bring life. I should not be concerned with making sure my life is comfortable and just the way I like it, because that is not the kind of life I am called to. Thankfully, God is reminding me of this in so many ways each day and he isn't giving up on me.

In my last post, I said that living outside yourself is the only way to really live, and that I was beginning to see that. Well, it looks like I'm still needing to open my eyes a little wider.

It's Just One of Those Days...

photo via

You know those days where you wake up and the air seems to be clearer, the birds are more chipper, and everything just exudes a certain amount of electricity that on other days you can't help but miss?! Well folks, today is one of those days for me! I think this is due, in part, to a few things:

• I am truly enjoying my life right now, so much so that I have nearly stopped looking towards the future with anxiety (which is so unlike me). I've always felt a desperate need to know the direction my life was going in, but now I am basically giving up on that and just enjoying each moment and being aware of how each one is changing me into the woman I'll need to be in the future. 

• At 23, my life is about learning to balance responsibility while maintaining youthfulness. I think not stressing about the future has given me so much time to realize where I am now and to really enjoy this stage in life. It's the first time where I actually feel my age and it's so nice! Taking advantage of every opportunity (and challenge) that comes my way, instead of worrying about the "what if's" in life has helped me to see life and love in a more beautiful picture than what I was used to.

• After not having to be employed for the last two years, it was quite a shock to my system to have to take up so much responsibility for my family. There were so many moments that challenged my selfish nature, as well as my spiritual beliefs; it's been harder than I thought but it has also been so rewarding. I have a better idea of the kind of person I am and I'm so glad I wasn't given the opportunity to stay the way I was, because I know I would have; it would've been the easier road, but I would not know what I am capable of. There have been things each step of the way that I have been terrified of, and luckily each step of the way I have had to overcome those things. Living outside of yourself is the only way to really live, and I see that now.

• I have been so inspired by everything around me lately and it has completely affected the thoughts that come into my head. I've loved watching my husband get inspired and experiment with new things. Seeing his excitement for things has given me a new sense of joy that I hadn't known before. We've had so much fun working with each other to make a life for ourselves that is completely unique to our tastes and beliefs. I see the kind of man he is and it just gives me so much hope. Life is an amazing thing and I can't seem get enough of it!

Life in 33 Days (Image Heavy)

I've been absent quite a while from this here blog and I think it's about time I cut that out! I haven't been absent for lack of topics to talk about. In fact, I've had an overload of life lately and sometimes in order to process it all, you just have to move through it and then at some point, look back and piece things together. So much has happened in these last several weeks and I feel like I have a million stories and thoughts to tell you! How about I start with something that I've been talking about for (quite literally) months without any sign of making headway!

Drum roll please......

That's right, I FINALLY finished my 50's inspired two-piece swimsuit last week! Just in time for a Sunday lake trip with some of the best friends around. Unlike my attempt last year at making my own swimsuit, this one held up to the water test (that is, everything stayed where it was supposed to when it got wet ha). I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. It takes a while to get used to wearing such high-waisted bottoms, but really, I feel so much more comfortable and confident in this style of suit than a modern two-piece. ( I mean, I can sit and not feel like I'm a lazy slob, which is always a plus). It also helps to satisfy my desire to live in that era. I love the clothes and style of the 1950s, but would I really want to live without the modern conveniences? ehh....

Aside from that, here's just a few other noteworthy events that have happened since my last post:

I got a ukulele and I'm actually getting the hang of it! I can already see there will be plenty of "jam sessions" with my dear friend meg, so watch out everyone, we may get famous.

We took a trip to the zoo, with my parents and all of the nieces and nephews, including these two:

Jakub and I fixed up this little table we found at an estate sale. I'll show the finished product another time. That process, from start to finish, is rather addicting so you may be seeing more additions later on.

I've been spending a lot of quality time with my brother's kids and it has been the time of my life! This little lady isn't too fond of females so when she sat on my lap, I had to document it! Unfortunately, this was the only picture I was able to snap before she was off. But don't you worry, she's taken a fancy to me and we'll have plenty more.

My nephew, Jesiah (top row, second from right), finished up his first t-ball season. This has been a highlight of my summer and an experience unlike anything else!

Did I mention, he scored the last two outs of the last game! We were all so proud!

She has Jakub wrapped around her finger, and I don't blame him!

Everyone got together last night and it was full of laughter, good food, games, and love

To welcome my Grandma Puckett, Aunt Karen, and Uncle Scott to town! Every moment with these people is so special.

Since my birthday, my life has been centered on family, both physically and theoretically. It goes without saying that I have had some great times with these people, but we have also experienced some heart-wrenching moments together in this time period. Moments that have challenged my ideas on what it really means to be family, and what aspects are pivotal to community. This has been an extreme period in time in which my whole being has been challenged every which way the wind blows. Through it all, I have seen that God is good and though it doesn't all quite make sense yet, my view of God's love and how he calls us to love has been heightened. I'm sure I'll expand on some thoughts in the coming days, but I just wanted to say, I'm still kicking and hopefully I won't be absent that long in the future.

Knowing God

“What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that HE KNOWS ME. I am graven on the palms of His hands. I am never out of His mind. All my knowledge of Him depends on His sustained initiative in knowing me. I know Him, because He first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when His eye is off me, or His attention distracted from me, and no moment therefore, when His care falters.

“This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort—the sort of comfort that energizes…God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love, and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see, and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself. There is however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, he wants me as his friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.”

 -- J. I.  Packer, from his book Knowing God.

A Year In Review

photo via

Yesterday was my birthday: yes sir, the big two-three. With the coming of a new age, I always look back on the past year and examine the directions my life has taken. Most years, there's not much to look at, just the same typical stuff with a few surprises thrown in. I can honestly say, 22 was one of the most pivotal years for me; a definite game changer.

It felt like this was the year everything culminated together to bring my life understanding, joy, and true peace. However, most of it was not as tranquil as that last sentence may lead you to believe. To be more clear: it was hell. I can't tell you how many nights I spent on my face, drenched in tears and completely exasperated, begging God for just a moment to catch my breath. Trouble surrounded me until I had no hope. I faced insurmountable sorrow, lack of ambition or even the knowledge of where to begin to pick up the pieces, and worse of all, I had to look at myself in the mirror, with all of my failures, every.single.day. while feeling like God had realized what I had become and decided he didn't want me anymore.

 Through all of the heartache, turmoil, and utter despair God molded together a moment in time that showed me how wrong I was. About everything. He showed me how stupid it is to rest on my own understanding and that true life, the life he intended me to have, can only be achieved by following where he leads.

I gained passion, wisdom, inexpressible joy, and the most overwhelming love I've ever known. In fact, there were moments that I felt a glimmer of the love that God has towards me, and it would crush me, quite literally. His love is so big and extravagant and I am so completely undeserving. I have nothing to hide anymore. I can breathe deeply, knowing that everything I need is found in God alone.

I have had the confidence to speak more openly about what's truly on my heart despite what others may say. This is huge in that, I have never felt so free to be me. Not just free, compelled to be me. I've always wanted to be better, prettier, or more talented than I am, but knowing how God feels for me, and the thoughts he actively thinks towards me, I can't help but be proud of the person I am, with all of my flaws and imperfections. I rejoice in my brokenness, stupidity, and selfishness because I know that it is through those things that God comes and meets me where I am.

Every day I see a clearer picture of who God is and who he is making me to become and I am in awe. When I began my blog this past year, I had no intention of speaking about God, the things I have struggled with, or the things closest to my heart. Sharing things on here that many people around me didn't even know was not something I considered enjoyable. (In fact, it took every ounce of confidence within me to even make this blog open for people to read.) But things have drastically changed in my life this year and I can't keep it to myself!

I'm so excited about life and what this next year will bring! If it's anything like last year, bring it on : )

Here's a few thoughts running through my head that have really sunk in this past year and I hope you can see the gravity of each one in your own life:

• God knows EXACTLY what you need through each step of your journey and if you just press into him, he will deliver.

•  He is waiting for you to trust him enough to let him bless you in his perfect way. If you lean on your own knowledge and your own ability, you won't have room for his blessings.

• Life isn't about being right or being self-sufficient; to me, it's all about love, and being broken and open with each other in order to feel what real love is all about.

• There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God bring something from nothing, or restoring order from chaos. 

• This life is not supposed to be comfortable; you will never be fully happy here because you are still separated from God.

• Strength isn't gained from independence, but from learning to walk with others and rely on each other.

I also would just like to say thank you to everyone who helped make this birthday so special! I have never felt so humbled and loved! My heart was swelling with joy and gratitude!
A few honorable mentions:
To my mom for taking me on a surprise picnic; it meant so much to me and it is a memory I will not soon forget!
To Meg, for surprising me with the most thoughtful gifts and the sweetest card (and tastiest cookies) a girl could ask for; you are somethin' else!
To Renata & Peter, it meant so much to me to have you guys drop by, especially with such lovely flowers!
And last but not least, to my fanciful and ultra-hot boyfriend, thank you for being so thoughtful with my birthday; You always make me feel so special! But you should hurry up with finishing my presents because I just can't wait anymore : )   (Disclaimer: I do not have a boyfriend on the side, sometimes we just like to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.)

Wedding Bells

Last night, these two fancy people became one in marriage! For those of you who have read my blog for a while, you've heard me talk about Craig and April and their upcoming wedding. Well folks, here they are in all their glory:

It was pretty spectacular and a little surreal for me to be standing beside these two as they committed the rest of their lives to each other. During the reception, people were making speeches and then the mic was handed to me. I should've started my speech with a disclaimer: I am horrible at public speaking, and I tend to panic when I have to make decisions in the moment, especially if these moments only come around once in a lifetime (like giving a speech at my best friends' wedding). However, I didn't and people had to sit still and watch something similar to a plane crash (this could be an exaggeration, but I don't think so. You be the judge!).

I started out asking my table about 58 billion times (maybe 10), "can you hear me? can you hear me?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!!" Each time more terrified than the last. [side-note: I guess you don't necessarily hear yourself in the mic like I previously thought you would.] I then followed up with, " I'm sorry... I don't do talking." Ya don't say... (This is what I imagine everyone was thinking by this time.) Then, as I was doing a balancing act of rambling and apologizing for my rambling, I thought of something I could direct my thoughts to! I made the announcement in full confidence, "Oh! This will make a great speech!" And in a split second, I realized that no matter how great my idea was, it would never come out the way I planned, so I immediately said, "oh, no it won't!" but began to tell it anyway. I think towards the end, I might have gotten something nice out, but at some point I'm pretty sure I stuck my arm straight out beside me. Who gives a speech like that?!

Once I sat down, my husband was like, "I thought you were going to talk about how they met or something like that." Oh that would've nice, huh Jakub, you should have told me that BEFORE I made an ass out of myself. Since I don't think I'll be getting a redo for them anytime soon, and I can't save this speech for their 50th wedding anniversary, I would like to offer up a little speech on here so Craig and April can know what I meant to say, and so that people will know I actually do have a brain! So everyone, imagine you're sitting around the tables, and you see the mic passed to me. I stand up and introduce myself...

Hi, I'm Rachel and I have known April for seven years and Craig for six. In this time, they have both been some of the best friends I could have asked for. I have known each of them separately and watched as they have each grown into the person they are today. A lot of times, people in love say things like, I wish we would've known each other sooner or, I wish we would've gotten together years ago. But I can say, over the years, I have seen them grow into the type of person that would perfectly complement the other. I have also seen them develop their relationships with God and learn to trust on him in the process of finding a suitable helpmate. This is something they both deeply wanted, and through God's perfect timing and creative order of things, they each found the one that would be able to stand next to them and help them through life.

They first met during our wedding shower in 2009. They both came over early to help get things ready and I remember Craig's reaction when he saw her. He would glance over at me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. If it were a cartoon, there would be hearts coming out of his eyes! Shortly after our wedding, they began to talk more and develop their friendship. It's amazing to me because I knew them both for so long and knew they were just like each other, but it never occurred to me introduce them until the situation presented itself. And boy, am I glad things work out the way they do because they both got what they wanted: someone special to share life with, to make it exciting, and to lean on when it's hard. Even though y'all have only been together for a short time, it's been a long time coming! Congratulations!

... Feel free to clap wherever you are, because that was much better than what happened last night and definitely closer to what I meant to say!

Again, Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Norred. Enjoy your first day as husband and wife today!

p.s. don't we make a cute couple?

Let's Get Lovey Dovey

photo via

If I am someone who feels God's love regularly, and still craves it more than anything, how much more does someone who doesn't get a taste of it. If I drink water every day, I'll still get thirsty and the water will refresh me, but how much more satisfying is it for someone who has been searching for water but not had a drink in several days?! How much more do they long for the touch of water upon their dry lips.

I watched a youtube video of the magician, Penn, who is a self-proclaimed atheist. He talked about how he had this experience with a Christian coming up to him after his show to give him a Bible and how genuine the Christian was. He said that he didn't respect people that didn't proselytize. Even though most atheists don't want people to proselytize he said, "If you believe that there's a heaven and hell, and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life or whatever, and you think that it's not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward...how much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize? How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible, and not tell them that?"

This thought has been with me ever since and has affected my entire being. Yet, I realized something last night. I was at church, praying to feel God's love, grace, peace, and joy. Then it hit me: people around me need to feel his love too. People that are certain God doesn't love them, doesn't give grace to them, doesn't give rest to them, and doesn't bring joy in their lives... they need to feel it too; they need to know, yes, they are unworthy, but God doesn't do things on the basis of our actions. His love is unconditional, truly.

I had been saying that I love my sister unconditionally, and I really believed it. If she keeps pushing us away and all I want is to be close with her, then I must love her unconditionally, no matter what she does. But really, I was loving her selfishly. I was loving her for my benefit. I was loving her so I could get what I wanted.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous"
        --Matthew 5:44-45

God loves me in an insanely beautiful way and I am supposed to mirror that to others so that it's not my love, but God's pouring out into the world. My love is jaded; His is pure. God gives out his love evenly and without thinking twice. He does it simply because he is good and altogether lovely. As a Christian, I am called to love like that, which is clearly impossible for me to do. That is why it is better to act as a mirror, so that it is God's love being shown and nothing of me but the willingness to shine for his glory.

I have had to prepare myself for the reality of my sister dying if she stayed in a deadly lifestyle. Last night, I realized, I have been certain that she would die, yet I never showed her Christ's love. She has never felt the kind of love that Jesus offers come through me. How could I be so selfish in a time when I have been so certain of destruction? My love should not be poured out only if she does things I agree with. I mean, really, how often does God agree with the things I do? Probably slim to none, and he still loves me with a jealous love.

Several years ago, I read in the book, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus, a saying that has captured my heart: "L'amour de Dieu est folie--the love of God is foolishness. And Jesus says it is a foolishness that is meant to call forth joy." God's love is crazy! Loving like this is so unnatural and scary, but when it's experienced, there is nothing so freeing! I am supposed to love recklessly, and without ceasing. I don't need to base my love for others off of what they can bring to the table; God satisfies me and gives me everything I need. Everything I need is in him, so I should be foolish with my love.

I don't want to hold my love hostage anymore!

p.s. Here's a few more excerpts from the book that I found highlighted when looking for this (read them, they're mmm mmmm good):

• The Tremendous Lover, in the words of Francis Thompson, has pursued us relentlessly and declared Himself without reservation. "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in My love."
• What does this mean for our own maturing into the fullness of Christ? In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul says, " If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" For Paul, a new creation meant a total renovation of the inner self, a change of mind and heart. It meant far more than the passive union achieved in water baptism. To be "in Christ, " he told the Philippians, means to have in you the mind of Christ Jesus, to think as Christ thought, to have the ideals Christ had, to throb with the desires that filled Christ's heart, to replace all your natural actions to persons, events and circumstances with the response of Jesus Christ. In a word, a christocentric life means to live in the heart of Jesus, to share His tastes and aversions, to have the same interests, affections and attitudes, to be motivated in everything by His loving compassion. It means making the habitual thought patterns of Jesus Christ so completely your own that truly "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."
• This was the triumph of the Spirit in a disciple named Francis from the village of Assisi. Romano Guardini once said that "Francis allowed Jesus Christ to become so transparent in his personality that his contemporaries called him 'the Christ of Umbrai'" Why are the personalities of so many pious and proper Christians so opaque? Why do we seldom hear what the old lawyer said of John Vianner: "An extraordinary thing happened to me today: I saw Christ in a man!" Why doesn't the radiant loveliness of the Lord stream from our personalities? In the definition of Noah Webster, we aren't we "diaphanous or easily seen through"? Why aren't we windows into Jesus, working, laughing, crying, playing, loving? Why aren't we transparent disciples?

p.p.s. I apologize if this is a jumbled mess of thoughts; I've had epiphany after epiphany and my little ol' fingers can only type so fast and I'm too excited to sit and organize these thoughts. I really appreciate each of you reading this honkin' post!