Goals For The Future (Including 2011)

photo via

I don't do resolutions for New Year's. I don't like them. I think it just makes you feel guilty about how much you haven't done what you said you'd do in the past and pressured to do things that you already know you should do (i.e. eat healthy, exercise more). But... I love lists! I love goals! And I love trying to get organized with my thoughts! If you read my post yesterday, you can kind of tell I'm coming into a season of change and so coincidentally New Years lined up with my needing to make lists and goals and organize my thoughts. I've already written some of these down, but because I write at least (at least) one list a day, and love to keep them, I thought I should put my goals on here so I have a place where I know I'll find them in case our room gets messy : ) So without further ado, here's my list:

• Build more confidence in myself and my abilities
• Step out and get help if I need it
• Build more meaningful relationships with my friends
• I want to do things that make me feel good about myself
• Then share those things with others to make them feel good too
• Do more things outside of my comfort zone (at least one small thing a day)
• Kick ass in the warrior dash!
• Be more transparent to others, whether that's showing my emotions or sticking up for myself.
• I really really want to get involved in some sort of group. Volunteer, craft, church, or a "just because" kind of group
• STOP second guessing myself!
• Take more pictures of my everyday life with my everyday, once-in-a-lifetime love 
• Be more true to my word, even when I'm not in the mood (this is more to myself than staying true to anyone else)
• Reach out and start meeting new people, in real life and through blogs.

I could go on and on, and maybe next week or two months from now (emphasis being "at some point") I'll right another set of goals I have, but for right now, my plate is full. I think the overall theme though is just to love more deeply. In whatever way that means for the moment. And this is a goal I think I can do, not just for 2011, but the rest of my days.

Happy New Year's everybody! Be safe!

A Change Is Gonna Come

Sam Cooke couldn't have said it better. "It's been a long, a long time coming, But I know a change gonna come, Oh yes it will" (you really must listen to the song because it doesn't sound nearly as wonderful when you read the words)

Let me just preface this by saying that I don't plan on many posts being like this, but I feel I need to write this for three reasons:
     1. It will explain why it's been quite some time since I last posted.
     2. It's the only thing I've been able to muster up the energy to write about.
     3. The name of my blog is "This Liminal Life" and this is certainly a state of liminality that I'm in. A change is gonna come and in many ways, has already begun. This is a pretty huge step for me in going from who I was to who I'm going to be so I feel I owe it to myself to document it.

On to the main event... (and I'll try to keep it short, which everyone around me knows is hard for me to do, so I won't keep any promises but feel free to stop reading at any point).

Lately, I've been pretty darn depressed. Most days I can't get out of bed, I have absolutely no motivation to do even the things I love (including writing on this here blog), and my mind is in a constant downward spiral. I've seen the commercials for anti-depressants and when they list the symptoms associated with depression, I see that on paper the way I've been lines up right along them, but I don't think the commercials do a great job at demonstrating how painful and paralyzing each symptom feels. They kind of just float through the list without showing the weight of each word.

But this depression isn't new to me, it's a constant in my life. (And I know that I'm not the only one going through hard times or depression, that this is the real world and depression is common to many people). However, it was yesterday as I was putting on my makeup, that I realized it's been eight years of dealing with depression on a regular basis. I've been depressed more often than not and that was a hard pill to swallow. I've let it go on for too long without getting outside help. I've tried to fix it myself when really, I have no idea how.

I was kind of taught early on in my depression that it was wrong to seek the help of medication or therapists so I tried to deal with it myself, which led to some pretty awful coping methods. I know that may not be an excuse for some, but hearing that when I was fourteen left a big impression on me that was hard to shake. My family meant well, and their advice may work for them, but I'm finally starting to see that it hasn't worked for me.

Now this is where things start to take a turn.

I think the biggest moment that started to push me forward was the realization that this isn't the way my life has to go. There's help I can get that will keep me from being paralyzed by doubt, guilt, fear, and insurmountable sorrow. These feelings don't have to defeat me.

I started reading a book my mom got me for Christmas that I've wanted since it's release: "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years" by Donald Miller.

In it he talks about how he had the chance to edit his story when offered a movie deal about his life. He makes the connection that our lives are like stories and all the great stories go to those who don't give into fear. The point of the story isn't about the ending, it's about the character being changed and overcoming circumstances to get what he wants. He helps you to see how important it is to live a story worth living and to do that, every character needs an inciting incident: a doorway through which the protagonist cannot return.

I needed an inciting incident. Heck, I needed 20! I reached out to my friends and got references to counselors and psychiatrists and started the process, which I am so thrilled about. But the biggest I-have-to-do-something-that-I-can't-go-back-on inciting incident was signing up with my husband to compete in Warrior Dash! It's a 3.24 mile race filled with 13 warrior-like obstacles: jumping over fire, climbing hay bales, going through swampy water, climbing up a cargo net, and crawling underneath barbed wire to name a few.

Doesn't that look like fun?! Jakub and I have been wanting to get in shape for quite a while but haven't been able to follow through because we haven't had something that gives enough motivation, and I think this is just the thing to get our butts into gear! It's not a typical race; there's adventure and thrill to it.

Today was the first day of "training" for me and I have to say, I feel so overwhelmingly empowered. Without realizing it, I did a combination of running and walking for an hour (started out walking 5 minutes, then ran every other minute, and finished with 5 minutes of walking) and I actually went SIX MILES! I didn't even think I could do one! This helped me to see that in every aspect of my life I should be telling myself that I can succeed, I can do what others thought I couldn't, I can do what I thought I couldn't.

This post certainly wasn't for the faint of heart, but if you read all of this, I greatly appreciate it! I'd love to hear if anyone else going through an inciting incident of their own!

Change of Plans

I'm not good at making them and I'm not good at keeping them, so I'm just going to change the plans I had for today's post. But for good reasons!
1. I thought it'd be better if I could show you the Polish traditions so hopefully I'll sneak a few photos when we get together on Christmas Eve and then share them.
2. There's just so much going through my mind right now that I think would be better, for my sanity, to get out on a post.

So, don't think of this as not following through on my word, think of it as following through in a better, more efficient and fully responsible way.(Yes, I try to make my lack of discipline look easier on the eyes... and self esteem)

Back to where I was going...well, maybe this should be a post with bullet points because I'm not sure if there's anything that sounds remotely connected.
So, without further a due, welcome to my mind.

• Sometimes I'm paralyzed by the thought that my life won't amount to much, that all I'll ever do I've already done.
• It seems like it's been close to a week without milk in the fridge and I don't know how I've gone on this long (I drink milk with EVERYTHING. there's no better combination than milk and everything.)
• The best part of my day begins when I hear my husband pull into the drive.
• When I get inspired, like really inspired, I almost don't know what to do with myself because there's so many things I want to do at once, and I'm rather indecisive.
• I recently finished a book that said I can come off as indecisive because it's difficult for me to make snap decisions, that I need enough time to weigh through the options. Which makes perfect sense so I guess the problem is, when I get inspired, by the time I make a decision, the inspiration is gone.
• I crave asian buffets for the soft serve ice cream. And I get upset when one doesn't have sprinkles.
• I love my family, no matter how dysfunctional or crazy we all are. 
• If there's one thing I feel is missing from my life, it's a closer relationship with my brother and sister.
• Whenever I see someone that I haven't in quite a while, even if we were best friends in elementary school, I NEVER think they'll remember who I am, so I never say anything.
• I'm ready to get my first visible tattoo!
• After 3 years, I STILL want to learn capoeira
• I don't understand why I struggle so much with getting myself to do the things I enjoy doing. It's not the time, or any other factor than getting up and doing it.
• I want to be good at one thing. (well actually, several things) but I want to feel confident in myself with doing at least one thing, so much so that I'd share it with other people.

So there's just a few thoughts going through my head in the last few minutes. Maybe I need to do this more often, because even though this can't be interesting to anyone else, it felt like I did a quick clean up in the brain. A little clean sweep, if you will. So sorry, this post was completely for me.

Christmas Traditions

 

photo via

I'm in the mood! Christmas is such a magical time. As a kid, I had a pretty different view of the holiday than I do now. Not just because my preferences in gifts have changed throughout the years, but I appreciate it much more.

As a kid, growing up in a small town outside of Columbus, Ohio (Pataskala, to be exact), snow was a given. Typically by Thanksgiving the first snowfall had already arrived, and for a kid, that is heaven. For the past twelve years, I've lived in Oklahoma where snow by Christmas is never certain. In fact, just about every time it does snow here, it's like the whole city shuts down for at least the first day because they don't know what to do.

photo via

When we lived in Ohio, we would all go over to my Grandma Puckett's house for homemade pecan rolls and chocolate milk. We have quite a large family there, and spending it with so many cousins and aunts and uncles, and especially my grandma Puckett, is one of the things I have cherished most about my childhood. My grandma always had the most decorated tree I'd ever seen. There were so many unique ornaments, and there was hardly a branch that wasn't adorned with one. It was always a race to find the pickle ornament. She also had hundreds (literally) of Santa Clauses. Each year, us cousins would try to count them all. My favorite was a bungee jumping Santa.

Since we've lived in Oklahoma, we still have homemade pecan rolls and chocolate milk. And we also listen to the same Christmas cd each year (Bebe & Cece Winans). There's another tradition that we hold onto. We've always had a manger scene and we would set it all out except for the baby Jesus, each year us kids would take turns placing him in his little trough on Christmas day. It was a way for my parents to help us focus on what Christmas is all about. Nowadays my nephew usually puts him in and it's always a fun thing to watch.

With everyone growing up, we've had to adjust our traditions and be more flexible. That's kind of a tough thing to adjust to for me because traditions make the Holidays special. 

But it's also exciting now to adopt new traditions. My husband and his family are from Poland and this will be my fourth year celebrating with them. I love how different their traditions are, and this year my family is joining in on them and I couldn't be more excited. Maybe tomorrow I'll write a post about their traditions because they really are so interesting and different from what I'm used to.

One thing is clear: no matter how many traditions come or go, I miss the certainty of snow. I'm heartsick for it. It just doesn't feel right without it. 

post via

Like A Tall Glass of Water

How is it that when you get to your lowest, something comes along to cheer you up again? In my case, it was THREE great "things" that came my way. Lucky me, huh?

First thing's first. Yesterday my mom called me up and I went to dinner with her and my dad and then went and picked up a bike for my nephew for Christmas. It's his first "big boy" bike so it's pretty exciting!

Then, as a complete surprise, my friend Shauna invited me to go get desert with her at the restaurant where our husbands work. It was the first time we had a chance to get to know each other one on one and it was both long overdue and worth the wait. I had so much fun with her and it was a chance to see how much we have in common, which is quite a bit! It's nice to know I have one more person to know I can rely on.

Drum role please......

The final, and perhaps most refreshing "thing" happened today, when I got to spend the whole day with one sweet lady. I briefly mentioned her before, but April is someone who deserves a whole post. In fact, that may happen sometime soon (or many times?). I took my first solo road trip to see her and we went to an indie craft show, and spent several hours perusing the booths and catching up.

She's starting a blog too and will shortly (and finally) be joining me in the same city. For the past 4 or 5 years we've kept missing each other on living in the same town... kinda like phone tag, but.... home tag? town tag? or would it be city tag? Anyway, she will be back and I will have a crafting/blogging/thrifting/garage sale-ing/ church-ing friend in my neck of the woods! She gets me like no one else. In many ways, we are one person. [side note: for years, when I would talk about her to others I'd say, "she's awesome, she's amazing...she's just like me" which definitely sounds cocky but I guess I was just so thrilled to have someone understand and love me on every level. It wasn't that I thought I was that cool]

She also just happens to be getting married to one of my other best friends! SIX months from today!

Lucky's not the word. You could definitely say I'm blessed.

Inspiration For The Masses

The last few days, I've been surprisingly active. Not just doing things for the sake of being busy, but actually doing things I enjoy. ( I know this sounds weird, but for some time now it's been hard to get motivated to even do things I want to do.) I think I owe this recent burst of accomplishments to the inspiration I've received from a few special honorable mentions. Here's five.

1. Rifle Paper Co.

 Not only is her story pretty fascinating, but her work is out of this world! A great mix of dreamy and folksy, simple but feminine.

2.Laura Marling

What a beautiful voice she has! Right now I'm stuck on her song "Alas I Cannot Swim" which, to me, is about being content with the life you have and knowing that the things across the river (also known as "the grass is always greener") doesn't always offer you something better. Also, she was featured in the song, "Water" with Johnny Flynn that is beyond beautiful!

3. The Beautiful Mess
I just finished up this book and it was definitely a refreshing read. It's one that makes you take a look at your life and ask the hard questions while also realizing beauty in the mess of our world. I got this book about two months ago while visiting Rick McKinley's church, Imago Dei, in Portland, Oregon. It was such a wonderfully authentic community and his insight is empowering.

4. Days With My Father

If you haven't visited Phillip Toledano's website, you need to! I'm not sure if I've ever been so touched by a story of the relationship between a father and child and the changes that take place as we get older. It really shows you to not take life for granted and to enjoy the simple moments.

5. How To Be Alone
I can't figure out how to put this video on here, but you must go check it out on youtube. It's an inspiring poem from a woman about learning to be alone. I found this to be quite inspiring. I do spend most of my time alone and it makes you kind of get excited about it. I had gotten pretty burnt out on being alone and this was a great pick-me-up.

So, there you have it, 5 things that have brought me inspiration in the last few weeks. Enjoy!