The Encounter pt. 6: Never Meant To Crawl

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Remember in a previous post when I said that any time I am about to go through something big--whether it's scary or exciting--and I need a little reminder that God is with me, He always works a butterfly into the equation? Well you wouldn't think the encounter weekend would be any different would you?!

I'd be lying if I didn't say it took me by complete surprise! Again, I knew nothing about what was planned for this weekend so how could I even anticipate this. [In fact, I just learned the other day that the encounter I went to was planned a year in advance. If that doesn't show how wonderfully God works things together, then I don't know what does! Every circumstance was lovingly orchestrated to work together to show His magnitude. Every speaker, every message, every song all worked to change me in the exact way I needed to be changed. Every hurt, every pain, in the last year alone, directly correlated with this event.]

This beautiful woman named Samara spoke Saturday morning on butterflies. She told the life story of a butterfly: how it starts as a caterpillar, then goes through the chrysalis stage, and finally becomes a butterfly.
While they were caterpillars, they crawled around in the dirt. But they didn't stay there, they were intended to fly. Between the stages of crawling and flying, they had to go through a stage that shed their skin. It wasn't a one-time thing, they shed layers several times to get where they needed to be to break out. When they did come out, they had to stand on the shell of the chrysalis for a few days because their wings were still weak; they needed to become strong before they could take flight.

She said many scientific terms and such, like the fact that caterpillars and butterflies have the same DNA. You'd think that two seemingly different insects would house a different set of DNA, but they don't. They go through a complete process of change, but deep down they are still the same thing. Some could take this as, the butterfly never fully departing from its caterpillar stage. I take it as, the caterpillar was always destined for something more, something greater.

I think you can see how she related this to us. We spend our lives crawling around in the "dirt" of life, but we were made for something more. In order to get to that stage, we have to go through situations that continually shed who we used to be. When we break free from what would hold us down, that becomes the very thing upon which we stand, upon which we get our strength!

She gave the most  beautiful illustration of the life of a butterfly that I'd ever heard. It was the same process that was going on within me that weekend. It was the chrysalis where I was able to shed all my past hurts and hang ups. But when I broke out, all that pain didn't control me anymore. In fact, I could stand upon it and now all I get from those memories are strength. God is good! He's working all this issues of your life into something beautiful and something that will give you strength!

She ended her message with a poem she wrote for that particular weekend:

A chrysalis is a strange thing. It sometimes looks so rough on the outside, while on the inside something amazing is being formed. [I would like to thank you ladies for joining me in this chrysalis.]

Here in this cocoon I am changed. The things that seemed so important have been rearranged.

I don't know what the patterns on my wings will be like when I emerge, but that's ok, wings mean I can fly instead of inching my way through life in the dirt.

Wings mean that when God breathes I can move.
Wings mean freedom and with that thought, my pain is soothed.
My wings won't just be for showing, my wings will be for going.
When I emerge from here, colors dazzling, patterns amazing, how will I feel?
I think I'll feel like flying and perhaps never coming back to here.

My life will write a letter read and seen by all.
My wings don't mean I'm perfect, they don't mean I'll never fall.
My wings simply mean that I was never meant to crawl.

My wings mean that the ending is better than the beginning.
My wings mean that all the hurt did not have the effect intended.
My wings mean that I have a new perspective.

My wings mean I can follow His direction.
My wings mean I am His and he is my protection.

The Encounter pt. 5: Stepping Into Your Purpose

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After I gave God everything that had been holding me down, I thought that was it. I completed the end of that journey. I was overjoyed and so thankful to have gone through it. And I'm not just talking about being thankful for the last few months where I was discovering all my issues and such; I was overjoyed that every circumstance that I resisted, and then held onto, came about. This has happened to me more times than I can count, but this was the biggest culmination of bad-things-working-together-for-good that I have been a part of.

 Everything--every hurt, every fight, every mistake-- got me to this encounter. I'm not just saying that as a general thing like, "I have no regrets, because it has all made me the person I am today." No. This has a literal meaning, everything led me to this encounter. God showed me a sort of "time line" display of my issues as I was sitting in my chair at the church. Each one built upon the last until the weight was unbearable, which resulted in my depression (which, according to my counselor, was an extra large slice if depression were pizza ha). Then I was invited to go see Isaac's show where I took a small [giant] step of faith and witnessed God's presence as people prayed over me and spoke into my life. I started counseling. Issues with my sister kept getting more out of hand, which caused my mom to look to this encounter as a way to help. We got involved in two bible studies that coincidentally (which actually means by God's plan) directly hit on parts of my life, molding me and preparing my self to be malleable for what God would do this weekend.

I'm not saying God made the bad things happen in my life, but I know that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)

Even though it has been a heart wrenching several years, I am elated to see it all come together. If it had not gotten as bad as it did, I wouldn't have been able to seeing just how beautifully and creatively God intertwined the events of my past (and future). It would not be as apparent to me, the depth of His love. Because let me tell you, it is deep and it is wide (just like the song you'd sing in sunday school) and it is a love unlike any other. He used it all to say, "see little girl, I knew what was going on, I was with you through all of it, and in order that you don't have to look back at it with negativity, I'm using it to show you just how deeply I care. Each thing that hurt you, you can now rejoice over. I held you through it all and though I wish you could have let go of it years ago, I'm bringing you to a place where you can do more than let go; you can find healing."

And even though this is what He did, He took it one step further at the encounter. He showed me that even though I had given it all to Him, I had to let go of the bitterness. I had handed it all over to him, but if I didn't forgive everyone (including myself) for everything, then it's like I just gave Him a copy of my problems and kept the original in my files so I could go back to it any time I wanted to.

When we nailed everything to the cross, I didn't realize that I was still bitter. I was happy and relieved, but if Helen hadn't spoken the message of forgiveness after that, I would've been pulling out my copy the next time something went wrong.

Even more than that, if I hold onto bitterness it keeps me from my purpose. It keeps me from being close to God. It keeps me from being able to receive anything He wants to bless me with.

She gave the example, "If a hypocrite is standing between you and God, then the hypocrite is closer to God than you are." Of course, you can substitute "hypocrite" with anything but it's so true! Because I had been holding onto bitterness, there had been a wall blocking me from being exactly where God needed me to be in our relationship. But let me tell you, the wall was bulldozed that day! There was some remodeling and it had to go!

We did this exercise where we would each talk to a leader as if we were talking to whoever hurt us. We would say whatever we felt we needed to say to that person, and forgive them. Really forgive them. Then the leader would speak back to us.

When it was my turn I didn't know what exactly to say, but then I started and began having some talks; I worked my way down the list and really, truly forgave everyone. It was nice to hear the things that I thought I always needed to hear from those people, but it didn't do as much as I always thought it would. The real joy came from being so lighthearted!

The best way to be the least effective Christian is to hold onto bitterness, fear, anxiety, and anger. The devil doesn't get intimidated when we're in church or things of that nature, He gets intimidated when we're walking in our purpose! So he will bring situation after situation to keep you tied down so you don't fulfill your purpose.

You have to let go of it! You have to start walking in your purpose, not only for your own well-being, but for the benefit of others.

"The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11  He wants to bless you and lead you into your purpose, but He can't if you're holding onto things.

I can say this with total honesty: All the pains in my life have been a passage to my miracle! This weekend was a miracle! And now I'm finally open to walking in my purpose!

I so appreciate everyone for taking the time to read these posts of epic proportions! I'm just no good at limiting my mind or my mouth! I have just one more post that is connected with the encounter. It's a big one for me, and it came as a complete surprise to me, just like the rest of the encounter, and it was another reminder of how perfect God is and how deeply He loves me.

The Encounter pt. 4: Letting Go

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 Up until this moment (which would've been Saturday), God was preparing me. He set my journey into motion, He led me into situation after situation that set my focus on Him. In counseling I discovered a lot of the issues that held me down. Then, God opened my eyes to the biggest pain of all. I began to see the condition of my heart and realize just what holding onto everything had done to it. But now, my mind had started to change: these events didn't cause the permanent damage that I thought they had. If I could open my heart to Him and give Him every hurt and care, He would get to work. And not only that, He's been waiting for me to do that all along.


My heart was ready. I knew what I needed to do and I had no desire to hold onto anything anymore. It's funny because I've heard all these things before ("cast your cares upon Him", etc etc) and I even believed them, but this weekend I saw it all in a new way. Like it was new to me. Like it was real to me. Since I started this journey, and probably even a little before, I wanted to let go but I didn't know how to physically, step by step do that. You know, in practical terms, what does "giving it to God" mean? How do you do that? I would even ask people that and couldn't get an answer other than "just give it to God" or "just have faith." I couldn't just say, "oh I'm giving it to God" because I didn't know how.

Saturday morning, message after message peeled back the layers of uncertainty of how to go about this.Without making you read an insane amount like the last several days, I'll try to go through it and just touch on things that stood out to me. One beautiful and powerful demonstration was shared (which I'll share about on the last day). Then a powerful woman, Helen Trowbridge, spoke about how God wants us to stop just surviving, and start thriving. We can't do that until we love ourselves and let go of the past. We don't have to be known by the past anymore, God can give us a new "name".
[She told the story of Jakub wrestling with God and how he wouldn't let go until God blessed him. God asked his name (which meant deceiver) and then gave him a new name (that meant struggles with God). When He asked his name, He wasn't just being literal, He was asking what he used to be known as (tricking his father for his brother's birthright) and then gave him a new character.]
Whatever we used to be known as (jealous, co-dependent, insecure, depressed, etc) can be changed. God can give us a new character. But in order to be changed, you have to give it to God. "What you don't reveal, God cannot heal."

At some point in the day, we were in our small groups and given a large nail. It was to represent what we needed to give to God, the thing in our lives that He's already paid the price for. We were going to go up and, one by one, nail it onto the cross as our group leader prayed over us. Some people had the nail represent one large thing. Others, like myself, attached a note with the nail. I can't tell you how excited I was for this. I knew the things that held me down and I was ready to put it where it belonged, on the cross. I'd be lying if I said mine wasn't the longest list in my group, but in a strange way, that excited me. I was able to give it all. (Haha, as we were waiting in line I remembered more, so I had to go back and get my pen! God wanted it all to come out!)

When it was my turn, I kept with the symbolism and nailed it at the foot of the cross. I was surprised at how hard it was to get that dang nail in there! In fact, at one point, (when I thought I was getting somewhere) I hit it and it flew out! My group leader jokingly said, "see the devil doesn't want you to give all this up, but no devil, it's going in!" I laughed but it's true ya know, he doesn't want us to let go of our issues because that's how he keeps us from trusting in God and reaching our full potential. And I'm glad it was hard! (Going with the symbolism) it was hard to get to that point of letting it all go. This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life and nailing my list to the cross was a reminder of that.

When it was in though, it was a perfect representation of how I finally felt. The weight of carrying all the pain and sorrow that I've held onto for a decade was finally out of my hands. I thought that was it, that was what God had wanted all along. But would you know, He still took it one step further!

The Encounter pt. 3: My heart

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 I had no clue what this whole weekend would be about until the first lady started speaking. I wasn't too concerned because I was just there for support, right?

"You've been holding onto things that you were never intended to hold onto." After the greeting, these were the first words out of her mouth.

You mean,  this weekend is for me? This weekend has to do with the journey I've been on for years but only recently been made aware of? Yes, I would even go as far to say that this weekend wasn't for Jess. It was for me, and my mom, and Cameron. That doesn't mean that her life wouldn't have been changed by everything that took place, but this was for us.
After this statement, which hit me like a ton of bricks, she started talking about our hearts. About how I am still the creation He intended, no matter how kicked around, stomped on, or dirty I got in the process of life. I hold the same value to Him that was given to me at birth.

She had two illustrations. The first was a big red paper heart. There was a table full of various dirty things: dirt, chocolate, etc. She pushed the heart into these things. She crumpled the heart up, she broke it, and she said that to Him, it's still a heart. And no matter if it's beat up, closed off, or dirtied by the mess of life, He still wants it. He still finds value in it.

To make it more relatable to us, she pulled out a $100 bill. She pushed it into the mess. She crumpled it up, and stomped on it. Then she raised it up and asked if anyone would still want this $100 bill. Everyone raised their hands. Why? Because it still had value. All the dirt and creases didn't make it any less valuable or any less appealing.

For some reason, when we get hurt in life, we tend to think we don't hold the same value, that no one would want us if they saw what was on the inside. So we close ourselves up. But God created us to praise Him and to open our hearts to Him. God wants to work for us and with us, but He can't if we're closed off. He's just waiting on us to open up.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in." -Revelation 3:20

He can give you a new heart but you have to take a risk, open your heart and let Him do what He wants to do. Being closed off isn't something you do only in your heart. It happens in your mind too. Your will can keep you from being open.

Satan wants you to close off your hearts, to live in your disappointment, with a victim mentality.

But the thing you have to realize is, what "was" isn't anymore. You've been delivered.
Then she gave a great way to picture it: When it snows, everything gets covered by it. It's like looking out on a big white blanket; all you see is white. This is what God can do to all of your hurt and brokenness, everything in your past. He can cover it all until you can't see anything but the "blanket of snow".
Satan wants you to think it's not all covered. He wants to keep you closed off from God.

Then we were supposed to take the paper hearts we were given and make a "model" of how we pictured our own hearts, whether that meant they were closed off, broken, crumpled, or dirty. Then when we were ready, we placed them in a treasure chest to represent giving them to God.

It didn't make sense to me until a few days later, why she started off with this. I wasn't going to be able to let go of all the things that damaged me until I opened myself up and allowed Him to do a work in me. I guess why this was so hard, was because I thought I was open to Him. I'm not one that feels like I need to keep things to myself. I've had a good relationship with Him, too. Yes, my heart was broken and damaged, but I thought it was at least open.

After this night, God was able to finally get to work. I opened the door and He didn't waste any time. The first step in this weekend was getting my heart ready. Seeing the state of it and knowing that despite how it looked to me, God wanted it.

The Encounter pt. 2: The Goals

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Today will be a much shorter read than yesterday's posts, I promise : )

On the Friday night after the first message of the weekend (which I'll talk about tomorrow) we split up into small groups. My small group leader, Tammy, wanted us to set goals, so we could have a purpose for the weekend and to see if it started working itself out. To be honest, I had never really set goals before when going to a women's retreat. I always just thought I'll get what I get and that's what I'm supposed to get. As the first two ladies went, I was trying to figure out exactly what mine would be. Then it was my turn. I wasn't completely nailed down on my response, I didn't know if I should go deeper or what, but I felt like that's the one I needed to say.

"Healing. Not only for me, but for my family."

I knew that I needed healing for myself, I had been on a journey of letting go of my issues for a few months. But as I said the last part of my goal, I broke into tears. Heavy tears. I could barely speak.

After everyone said theirs Tammy said that we would all get an answer to our goals. It may not come to completion over the next few days, but it will be started here. That was encouraging, and I got excited at the thought of it, but honestly, did I think this one weekend would start the process of healing for myself or my family? No, I didn't. My family has had constant issues with my sister for 8-10 years. I have prayed for healing for us over the majority of that time, all I wanted was my sister back and for us to be whole again. Any time there has been signs of hope, I've thought ok, this is it. it's going to happen now! But I've been wrong every time. Even though I knew God worked in His own time, I thought it would've happened at least by now, which is why I've come to really not expect healing any time soon. But I went along with it.

That night, as I was laying in bed, I started reflecting on my goal. It took me by complete surprise that I had reacted as strongly as I did. I knew that all the drama in the past with my sister had upset me, but I never looked at it as anything I needed to get over or let go of. God was showing me that it affected me a lot more than I imagined. I started remembering things she had done years ago that were still causing me so much pain. I thought about her not sticking up for me when her friend raped me, or not visiting me in the hospital six years ago. But what hurt me the most was that she hadn't asked me in years how I'm doing or what's going on with me. I felt so unloved by her. At that very instant, I got a text message.

"u doing ok?"

It was from Jess. She asked me how I was doing! I don't think anyone will understand how huge this was for me. What I had been needing from her for years, she gave to me in the moment I was realizing how much it held me down. Coincidence? Heck no! That was God! It was His way of saying, "you better believe it, baby! I'm bringing your family back together! Now, get on board!"

At least that's how I took it : )

God showed me that even if all the drama stop TODAY with Jess, I still won't feel healing for my family until I let go of all the pain she's caused me. The reason why our family isn't whole, isn't just because Jess keeps doing bad things, it's because we're all full of bitterness and holding onto the mistakes made years ago!

This was such a shock to me! I thought I knew all my issues since I was going to counseling. I knew I had to learn to deal with the rape, being mistreated by guys, dealing with death, low self esteem and things of that nature. I had no idea the pain from my sister was the biggest issue of all! How wonderful is it that we ended up going to this encounter! Otherwise, I wouldn't have discovered this, at least not any time soon!

After this moment, I was on board. This weekend was going to be a game changer. But I still had no idea just what He had planned to show me.

The Encounter pt. 1: The Backstory pt. 2: The Journey

I felt like I needed to make the journey a new post because that one was getting pretty long!

Back in November, I was having quite a few doubts. I forget where it is, but you know that verse in the Bible that talks about how there will be a feast, and there's some that have been around for a while but they won't be invited to the table? Well, I was fearing that I might be one of them. I have been a Christian most of my life, I had experienced His presence, but did He really want me at His table? Maybe initially He did, but then He changed His mind when He saw how wrecked I was. This wasn't just a thought I had, I was terrified. Maybe I really don't belong to Him, maybe I've just been hanging around but He has no real plan for me to be apart of His family.

Shortly into these thoughts, I was invited by my best friend, Isaac, to come to one of his shows the next day. I hadn't seen him play drums in years and I was so excited to see him! I brought my other best friends, April & Craig. Somewhere in the show, it turned more into a worship service. I don't remember everything, but I remember the theme seemed to be about liberation. A man came up on stage and talked a little and asked if anyone there was wanting to experience God in a new way, if anyone was needing liberation. Everything He was saying was everything I was needing. I started to get really scared because I knew I had to go up there. I knew I had to step out in faith and follow. [If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I don't like putting myself out there. I'm too scared of what people will think.] Several girls went up and were being prayed for. I said to God,"listen, you can speak to me here, I'm willing to listen. I don't want my friends to look at me weird or think I'm crazy." That wasn't good enough.

The man said, "there's still someone that needs to come down here, you better come quickly." Are you kidding me?! Does he know about me? Is he gonna keep going until I come?! Would he call me out by name? I was too scared to find out, that's for sure! It took everything in me to take that first step, but honestly after that, I don't remember taking the steps; it was like my body shut my brain off and moved on its own. All the sudden I was there.

Three women prayed around me. One was speaking in tongues, one was speaking in tongues and then also speaking regularly. And one girl was praying quietly to herself. This went on for quite a while, and as they kept praying, the girl praying to herself began to weep while constantly saying "yes Lord." Did she know what was going on with me? Why the heck is she crying?[I guess I should just say here, this sort of experience, I'm not used to. I grew up baptist so speaking in tongues is new to me.] The woman speaking in tongues told me that I've held onto these things for too long, and I needed to give it to God. The other woman told me that God kept saying to her, " that's my baby girl, that's my baby girl." and that He sees me crying every night and that He bottles up all my tears; He has them all. Then the man that was speaking came and prayed for me. He spoke in tongues and then he said, " you used to be a happy girl, but someone came and took that from you. you need to let go, you need to surrender it to God."

As they were praying for me, waves of peace would come over me. Every time I'd start to get lost in the pain, another wave would come. I knew that everything they had said to me was from God and that there were gonna be some changes in my life. I didn't realize before this that I was holding onto stuff, but I knew I needed to find out what it all was and then start working towards releasing it. He was answering all the doubts I had with those people. To hear Him say, "that's my baby girl" meant that all the fears I've been having were not validated. He does see me, and He's got me. I had been crying every night, I was so depressed for so many reasons, but that wasn't outside of His care.

For the first time in a long time, peace was with me that night. Those four strangers knew more about how I've felt than my friends in the same room. God had plans when Isaac invited me the night before and I was blessed. I was blessed more than I imagined before I took that first step. The risk was well worth the reward.

After that night, my journey started and I was moving towards letting go of all that I'd held onto for so long. I started going to counseling and that was a huge help for me. There were several moments throughout my daily life that pointed me along the journey.

At the same time, there were still problems going on with Jess, my sister. We had started a Bible study with some of our friends, and my mom and I joined another Bible study too. Then my mom had the idea  to go to a Women's Encounter at Greenwood Christian Center. She'd heard about it before and we thought that would be the perfect thing to take Jess to. She's the one that needed it, right? I was sure I would get something out of it because I always do at women's retreats, but this was for her. (I say this now with complete sarcasm, but initially that's what I thought.)

We were signed up: Jess, Cameron (her friend), me, and my mom. We were ready to go, but we had no idea what was about to happen.

Now that you have the backstory, tomorrow I'll start sharing the actual story of this weekend. Thanks for reading friends!

The Encounter pt. 1: The Backstory: The issues

I'll try to make this as organized as possible, we'll see how that goes : ) Also, I should note, I'm probably going to share some very personal things about me and my family. Please don't take it as me airing out my laundry, asking for pity, or pointing the finger at anyone. I'm saying this stuff so that you see how wonderful God is and how he works with every situation in your life to bring about something beautiful. I probably won't go into details with my sister because I don't think she'd appreciate that. But as for me, I'm an open book so if anyone wants to know anything more than what I put on here, feel free to ask.

With all that said, lets begin.
I don't wanna go back too far, but I think it's important to say that I was raised in a Christian family, but my parents weren't. They had a lifestyle that was far from anything you'd picture of them now. But when they had an encounter with God, they were drastically changed! I grew up seeing God provide on a regular basis. We were poor but we had complete faith that God would supply everything we needed, because He did. Our parents modeled for us what real Christians look like.

Now this backstory has several different topics you need to know in order that you see the full picture of what took place this weekend. My family life, my personal issues, and the events that took place in order to get me here. We'll start with my family.

My sister has always had to learn lessons by making her own mistakes. Because of that, she's definitely taken the hard road to life. Granted, she has gone through a lot of hardship growing up that has made it hard for her to trust people, to listen to authority, or even to know who she is. Because she hasn't worked through all of her hurts, she's been searching for comfort and validation in all the wrong places. Having to watch her go through these things has been a heavy burden for my family to bear.

That's an understatement.

It has been hell. We have been dragged through the mud trying to help her see that there's a better way. The focus of most of my family life has been, how are we gonna get her out? When will she stop settling and living way beneath her design? I cannot describe to you how many nights we've had to pray that she will make it through, or how many times I've been certain that I would have to bury my sister. That's a hard thing for a sister to feel. There has been issue after issue come up over the past 8 or so years, that we have all thought we've been pushed beyond our limit, that there was no way we could handle one more thing; surely it couldn't get any worse. To say our faiths have been tested by her would be an understatement.

There would be signs of hope, and we would cling to them like you wouldn't believe. We've always had faith that she would come back, to God and to us. That if she would just wake up, she would know what love, peace, and joy really felt like. We always had faith that this season would end, but we thought it would've happened a long time ago. We thought it would've at least happened by now. And through it all, we've seen how God works things together for good. Things that we thought would be the end have reunited the family. The story of my beautiful nephew is one example.

Now lets talk about my issues. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (14, if you wanna know the truth). If there's one thing that'll mess with a little girl's mind and the way she feels about herself, that'll do it. Two weeks after that, I was raped. (Then I had to spend the semester in several classes with him. When a friend had told him that I told her about what happened, he stood in front of the class and told everyone about it and said that I was making it up. I sat paralyzed and everyone believed him.) I had family issues. All I wanted was to be like my sister (like every baby sister) but she had her own things she cared about. I lost all my self esteem. I used to cut myself and starve myself.  My parents were completely unaware of most of these things for years and still may not know some of them. I didn't have anyone to talk to that could relate with the things I was going through (at that time). I kept trying to find validation in guys, which obviously just led to feeling worthless. I was hung up on the guy I lost my virginity to for years, and he knew it, which is why I think he strung me along. (He was a nice guy, but he played with my mind.) No one ever seemed to believe me about anything. I almost died when I was in the hospital and my sister was too drugged up to come see me. But her ex boyfriend (who was the greatest role model) drove all the way up to see me. Two years later he was killed. The year after that, the guy I lost my virginity to killed himself and his girlfriend. The fear of death and the finality of it impacted every decision I made, every thought, every moment of my life. The one good thing that came out of it was I would never again have thoughts of killing myself. No matter how depressed I got, that would never be an answer again.

I knew pain, sorrow, and loss. But through these times I also knew great joy, peace, and happiness. Although I've gone through things I wouldn't wish on anyone, I have seen God at work through them. Because of my sisters decisions, I've seen what unconditional love looks like. No matter what she does all my family wants is to have her close to us. It has shown me that if we can love like that, how much more does God! I have seen God work through situations, but no matter how close I was with Him, I always felt like there was some sort of wall or barrier that kept me from really experiencing all He had (I'll talk about this on another post). And I could not get out of my depression, no matter how long it had been since it started, it was just as deep.

I Never Knew

Since my last post, things have changed DRASTICALLY! I've got a lot to say about it, so I think I'll try to separate it into 5 or 6 posts over this week. I've just gotta say it people! : ) And I know it can be hard to read a long post, and let me tell you, this would be one for the record books! So, if you come in the next few days, be prepared to read, but I have full faith that you'll get something out of it. This weekend has changed my life! And I know it seems like I've mainly posted about God and my depression (it's the truth, it doesn't just seem like it), and I'm sorry if that isn't your cup of tea, but God is doing some amazing things. At first I felt like I maybe should try to limit that, but then I remembered, my blog says "this liminal life" and right now, these are the things that are mapping out where I've come from and where I'm going!


Until then, I'll leave you with this oldie that gives a glimpse into the joy I have.

Can You Feel It?

I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive.
I'm a living, breathing, feeling, and fully functioning girl. This is my starting point for today, and I haven't gotten much further than that.

It boggles me how I can be feeling like this. It's tricky how depression works. I've had some pretty special times the past few days with my husband, my God, my friends & family, and myself. My brain is reminding me of all that I have to be thankful for and all the beauty around me, but I just can't get out of this, not today. Not yet, at least. I'm not sad or anything, but there's a feeling of...well I don't know if it can be put into words. I guess it's like a barrier that won't allow my emotions to go higher than a certain point. Or maybe it's more like I can go through the day but there's a constant negative pressure that I feel in my body, keeping me from being happy or productive. I don't know if that makes sense outside of my head.

Even though I wish I weren't feeling this way and it's a miserable thing to go through, it reminds me that, at least I'm alive. At least I have the chance to feel something.

 photo via

Maybe you're going through something like this too right now. Or maybe you're not. In that case, excuse this post, it's the only thing I could get out today.

Smile Or Else...

After a year and 3 months of being married, we finally put together our wedding album last night.

As I was flipping through the pages, I noticed something...

(this would be me and my good lookin' guy)

(my granny, my mom, and me)

(my sister, Jessica, me and my brother, Cory)

In the majority of the pictures...I have the biggest smile of the group. And yes, at first you would think it's because it is my wedding day. And I'm sure that had some influence. But pictures from any occasion, generally speaking, more of my teeth are showing than anyone else's. Then I thought, maybe people weren't as happy as me, or they just didn't like smiling for pictures.

But then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I used to be one of them. I used to smile with my mouth closed or barely open. Not because I wasn't happy, but because that's the way I smiled. That is, until I came face to face with a reason to change...

When I was young, maybe six or so, we were getting some family photos taken. The photographer, who was a large, forceful woman, put us where we were supposed to be. Then she told us to smile. I smiled. A big smile. But my mouth was shut. I was pretty proud of my smile, but she wasn't having it. She told me to smile with my teeth, or else.

Or else she would give me a big kiss and she had just eaten a tuna fish sandwich on her lunch break.

From that moment on I've shown as much teeth as I think is humanly possible in a smile, without looking like a complete fool.

So now I can stop thinking everyone else is unhappy, and remember that I'm just scarred. : )

Breaking And Entering

We had our first home invasion tonight... Luckily, it was us : )

Jakub and I were going out for sushi and I guess each of us thought the other one would grab their set of keys before we left. We stepped out and turned to lock the top lock on the door when we both looked at each other like, "c'mon, what the heck are you waiting for, I'm hungry." Now, you have to know, we both tend to joke with each other and so when we both said we didn't have the keys, neither one of us were convinced for a second. (how crazy are we ha) And of course, we couldn't just walk back in because the bottom lock stays locked.

After a couple of minutes of us saying, "No! I really don't have the keys... do you?" we actually started to see that neither one of us were joking. Jakub didn't believe me because he said I looked too happy, but that was because I kind of was. Not happy per se, but a little entertained. Who locks themselves out?! It's not even necessary! And I didn't believe him because he had his hand on his pocket, like he was holding keys, and his eyes were wide like he was trying to scare me. : D

We were trying to determine how to get back in... We could use the spare... oh wait, it's inside from last time we used it. We could use the garage opener to get in... oh wait, we lock the door that leads into the garage. We could use the back door... oh wait, we just checked that it was locked right before we stepped out. The windows? Heck no, we keep those babies on lock down.

Jakub disappeared around the side of the house, and I called my mom. Any time I don't know what to do, I'm sure they will. In this case, they didn't.

But luckily, Jakub found ONE window that he was able to open up and crawl through. We were saved! ha what a great feeling that is, let me tell you!

Also I think I should say to all you who have a hankering to take things (which I wouldn't believe is any one who reads this blog, but this should be said for good measure), the window is now locked so you don't even need to try it. Now, there is no imaginable way in. And you really shouldn't be stealing anyway...

Back to the point... I was talking with Jakub at the start of the weekend, saying that I want to have more experiences with him, that when I look back at our life together we can point out a lot of memories. And even though that's already the case, tonight certainly added one to the memory books.

A Sign of Hope

 photo via

I have a deep affection for butterflies. But don't worry, it's not because of the typical reasons: being a girl; that everyone else likes them; or how they look tattooed on a lower back.

No, my love is deeper and cheesier than that.

It all started when my mom heard a Martina McBride song called "She's A Butterfly". I must have been fourteen or fifteen. The lyrics made her think of me (who knew a country song was so relatable? ha) and so started her little nickname for me ("my little butterfly"). It was definitely a source of connection for us. I have to admit, at first I thought it was a little too cheesy for my tastes, that was during the height of the butterfly tramp stamp so you can understand....

However, my feelings toward this cheesy insect began to change when it kept showing up in instances where I was entering into the unknown.

I was in the hospital for pneumonia and two abscesses in my right lung. It was very serious and as a last result, I had to get surgery. I was terrified. They wheeled me down and while I was waiting to go to the operating room, with my parents beside me, I looked up and there was a large group of paper butterflies hanging above me. It honestly felt like God was saying, "don't be scared, I'm here and I'm watching over you and your family." I mean really, out of all the things that could be hanging on the ceiling, butterflies?! And I looked up right before I was wheeled away. I could've missed them...but I didn't. I was overwhelmed with peace and since that moment, butterflies have been popping up in the sneakiest ways with that little reminder in the times I need it most. It's not always during times of fear and literal "life and death" though.

On our wedding day, I was going to carry one of my great grandmother's handkerchiefs. We were so busy that day that I completely forgot until it was my time to walk down the aisle. When I reached the podium, I saw that my mom had placed it there for me and I was so relieved. Would you believe that that handkerchief had butterflies on it, something which I hadn't noticed before.

There have really been so many moments like this, that I feel that it's more than just a coincidence. It's like a short little love letter that lets me know I'm not out of God's sight and I just need to set my mind at ease because it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

I was reminded of this today. I was on my way to see a counselor for the first time and I kept second guessing and talking myself out of it, asking all the "what ifs" in the world. Would this counselor care? Would she get me? Is this really what I should be doing? What if this is a huge mistake and I don't get anything out of it except for an expensive bill? Where do I even start? I was asking myself these questions and many more in the waiting room and all the way up to her office, when she opened the door and right beside my chair was a beautiful white butterfly. I'm not making this up people! It always works its way into my circumstances in the craziest ways to get my mind back to where it should be. It whispers words of encouragement and peace into my whole being. I am loved. And this will work out! And would you believe, the counselor was everything I could have asked for! She is just what I need in this moment and I have complete faith that this is exactly what God has been working to get me to, especially in the last several months.

So if you're reading this ma, here's a walk down memory lane:

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Try Something New Tuesday v.2:

Pilates, Pilots, and Pirates

For this Try Something New Tuesday, it's something you might be familiar with, I'm rather new to it...it's called w-o-r-k-i-n-g--o-u-t. Does that sound familiar? I didn't think so.

To be exact, I'm trying a little thing called Pilates. It's kind of like a mix between "pilots" and "pirates", right? Where you fly over boats, swoop down and pillage their treasures.... Actually, it has to do more with this "working out" thing I mentioned before, not wearing an eye patch and a pair of these babies that you used to get on an airline:

photo via

And of course, I'm not doing it the cool way, ya know, going to a fancy gym and signing up for a class where I can look like a wild animal out of its natural habitat for all the spectators to look to in amazement. I'm staying at home working on this sweet thing all by my lonesome.

photo via

And despite what it promises on the cover, I am not expecting rapid results, because I am not crazy. Instead, I bought this because it was rather inexpensive and the reviews were a little promising.

I started it yesterday, and let me tell you, at least for someone who stays predominantly stationary, this was a workout! I could keep up, which was somewhat of a surprise, but I could definitely feel it in some places that I haven't felt in a long time.

There's five 10-minute workouts, and if you do them all together, you feel good that you're not taking the easy way out, as mentioned on the cover (that it's just a "10 minute solution"). And I'm positive that this isn't very true to the pilates nature, though I'm really not sure, because I just wouldn't assume the real pilates promising rapid results.

With all that said, I'm glad that I'm incorporating this movement into my lifestyle and trying something new for the second week in a row. Actually, sticking with the plan could have been the topic for this Try Something New Tuesday! But that probably wouldn't interest anyone but myself. Thanks for reading! If you don't do it already, you should try the working out thing too, it's quite the mind game.

A Natural Brilliance

(These are some berries we found on our hike)

Isn't it crazy some of the colors you find in nature?!

Today Jakub and I hiked around Turkey Mountain with  Jax and we found some extraordinary colors in the places we least expected. In fact, when we first got there, I was pretty sure we weren't going to see any colors but brown because everything looked dead!

Ever since I was young, I've been so fascinated with the wide range of colors that were on this earth even before the invention of crayons! And the fact that the colors in nature, that God created, are so much more brilliant than any that have come from the hand of men gives a little reminder that God really did know what he was doing!

AND it shows that he knows how to "woo" me. He knows that one of the many ways to my heart is through vibrant colors and beautiful creativity. The colors I find in nature always have a way to pull at my heart like nothing else. I just have to stop and let my heart catch up. They fill my being with emotions that can be quite overwhelming. I think all of His creativity that He placed around us shows a love that's deeper than anything we could muster.

You know how gooey your heart feels when someone you love brings you flowers just because? Well God does that every day.

Take a look around and even if everything looks dead and old, a closer look may very well reveal new signs of life, inspiration, and most certainly love.

A Full Heart

Every day I take things for granted. Even though it's the little moments that move me, I still seem to miss the beautiful fact that God works through little things to bless us and to speak to us of how deeply He loves us. He does this on a regular basis and though I may enjoy the way the light dances through the clouds or the smile my husband gives as he wakes me up for the morning, I don't always catch the gravity of each encounter I have with moments in life. Instead of waiting until next Thanksgiving, I think I'll make a list now of the things I'm thankful for today (in no particular order).

Reasons for a full heart

• flannel sheets,
• the ability to organize my thoughts 
• the chance to continually be challenged with my thoughts and the way I live
• with my crazy addiction to chapstick, I'm so very thankful there is not a chapstick shortage
• the perpetual second chances that God gives me
• the days that I actually enjoy doing the laundry and cleaning the bathroom
• waking up with Jakub every single morning (even if it's just to say goodbye)
• when Jax, our dog, cuddles with me until we're both ready to get up for the day
• having friends that are really there for you.
• getting to see my relationship change with my parents as I age (I finally get what they were talking about, that I really wouldn't understand until I was older!)
• the uncomfortable feeling you get right before you do something you've never done and although you were excited about stepping out earlier, now that it's time, you're scared to death. It's great to push through and see how strong you are.
• right now, I'm so thankful for the chance to wake up every day and be a part of such a crazy, dysfunctional world. To learn from others and to show what I have to offer too.
• and for the last one on this list, I'm so thankful that God hasn't given up on me, and that He's bringing me into this new season step by step; teaching me and loving me, and sometimes dragging me like a kicking toddler to a place that I need to be.

photo via

What sparks your heart?

I Was Who I Am

I just thought this was beautiful. The feel of the video. The lyrics. They moved me today and I thought, maybe they'd move you too.

True Words

 If my last post didn't make you happy, chew on this:

You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. 

You are no amalgam of these things. 

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.

this encouraging little love note to self is taken from the mind of this guy.

Happiness For Today

photo via

Since I believe this to be true,  I'd like to share a couple of ideas to keep yourself happy today:

Let your imagination take you away. You could get lost in the greatest story you ever lived.

photo via

See what beautiful things you can create with your tiny little fingerprints.

photo via

Eat something delicious and good for you.

photo via

Then eat something not so good for you, and enjoy it as much as these two... maybe even naked?

photo via

Take a minute and see the art in nature and the things that surround you everyday.

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If that doesn't work, have one of these

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And make one of these

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Or maybe it's as simple as knowing that 

photo via

And if none of that works, hey,

photo via

Try Something New Tuesday v.1

One of my goals for this year, and the rest of my life, is to try new things! I don't want to stay in my comfort zone; I want to continually explore this great life that we are offered in as many ways as I can! So, I'm hoping to make this sort of post a staple in my blog. I'm not sure it'll be every Tuesday, but I think this will push me to do it maybe even more than I'd like (which is a good thing). The name doesn't quite roll off the tongue like I'd like, but it gets the point across!

The topics on "Try Something New Tuesdays" will hopefully be as varied as the birds in the sky. Maybe a new place I visited, a new kind of craft I've tried my hand at, a new recipe, the options are limitless (I hope). It might be something extravagant and exciting, or just something small that I've never done before, like taking cookies to a neighbor.

For the first one, I decided to do a new hairstyle. Over this past year, I've finally started to get comfortable with being girly and so I'm in need of a wider variety of hairstyles. I've got curls down and things of that nature, but I wanted to do something that took me out of my comfort zone.

I give you, the heidi braid...

I've seen so many girls with braids like this but never knew how on earth they did it! I wanted to try it because it's something I've liked but was worried that it wouldn't look right on me. The good news is, it's SUPER easy (I followed the youtube tutorial from StrawberryKoiVintage), and I don't think I look ridiculous! Talk about a good way to start Try Something New Tuesdays! I also like that this hairstyle can look good dressed up or dressed down (which is why I have two different outfits on).

Hopefully this can be a way to break out and document all the fun things I add to my life. Hope you enjoy! I know I will!