Knowing God

“What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that HE KNOWS ME. I am graven on the palms of His hands. I am never out of His mind. All my knowledge of Him depends on His sustained initiative in knowing me. I know Him, because He first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when His eye is off me, or His attention distracted from me, and no moment therefore, when His care falters.

“This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort—the sort of comfort that energizes…God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love, and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see, and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself. There is however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, he wants me as his friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.”

 -- J. I.  Packer, from his book Knowing God.

A Year In Review

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Yesterday was my birthday: yes sir, the big two-three. With the coming of a new age, I always look back on the past year and examine the directions my life has taken. Most years, there's not much to look at, just the same typical stuff with a few surprises thrown in. I can honestly say, 22 was one of the most pivotal years for me; a definite game changer.

It felt like this was the year everything culminated together to bring my life understanding, joy, and true peace. However, most of it was not as tranquil as that last sentence may lead you to believe. To be more clear: it was hell. I can't tell you how many nights I spent on my face, drenched in tears and completely exasperated, begging God for just a moment to catch my breath. Trouble surrounded me until I had no hope. I faced insurmountable sorrow, lack of ambition or even the knowledge of where to begin to pick up the pieces, and worse of all, I had to look at myself in the mirror, with all of my failures, every.single.day. while feeling like God had realized what I had become and decided he didn't want me anymore.

 Through all of the heartache, turmoil, and utter despair God molded together a moment in time that showed me how wrong I was. About everything. He showed me how stupid it is to rest on my own understanding and that true life, the life he intended me to have, can only be achieved by following where he leads.

I gained passion, wisdom, inexpressible joy, and the most overwhelming love I've ever known. In fact, there were moments that I felt a glimmer of the love that God has towards me, and it would crush me, quite literally. His love is so big and extravagant and I am so completely undeserving. I have nothing to hide anymore. I can breathe deeply, knowing that everything I need is found in God alone.

I have had the confidence to speak more openly about what's truly on my heart despite what others may say. This is huge in that, I have never felt so free to be me. Not just free, compelled to be me. I've always wanted to be better, prettier, or more talented than I am, but knowing how God feels for me, and the thoughts he actively thinks towards me, I can't help but be proud of the person I am, with all of my flaws and imperfections. I rejoice in my brokenness, stupidity, and selfishness because I know that it is through those things that God comes and meets me where I am.

Every day I see a clearer picture of who God is and who he is making me to become and I am in awe. When I began my blog this past year, I had no intention of speaking about God, the things I have struggled with, or the things closest to my heart. Sharing things on here that many people around me didn't even know was not something I considered enjoyable. (In fact, it took every ounce of confidence within me to even make this blog open for people to read.) But things have drastically changed in my life this year and I can't keep it to myself!

I'm so excited about life and what this next year will bring! If it's anything like last year, bring it on : )

Here's a few thoughts running through my head that have really sunk in this past year and I hope you can see the gravity of each one in your own life:

• God knows EXACTLY what you need through each step of your journey and if you just press into him, he will deliver.

•  He is waiting for you to trust him enough to let him bless you in his perfect way. If you lean on your own knowledge and your own ability, you won't have room for his blessings.

• Life isn't about being right or being self-sufficient; to me, it's all about love, and being broken and open with each other in order to feel what real love is all about.

• There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God bring something from nothing, or restoring order from chaos. 

• This life is not supposed to be comfortable; you will never be fully happy here because you are still separated from God.

• Strength isn't gained from independence, but from learning to walk with others and rely on each other.

I also would just like to say thank you to everyone who helped make this birthday so special! I have never felt so humbled and loved! My heart was swelling with joy and gratitude!
A few honorable mentions:
To my mom for taking me on a surprise picnic; it meant so much to me and it is a memory I will not soon forget!
To Meg, for surprising me with the most thoughtful gifts and the sweetest card (and tastiest cookies) a girl could ask for; you are somethin' else!
To Renata & Peter, it meant so much to me to have you guys drop by, especially with such lovely flowers!
And last but not least, to my fanciful and ultra-hot boyfriend, thank you for being so thoughtful with my birthday; You always make me feel so special! But you should hurry up with finishing my presents because I just can't wait anymore : )   (Disclaimer: I do not have a boyfriend on the side, sometimes we just like to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.)

Wedding Bells

Last night, these two fancy people became one in marriage! For those of you who have read my blog for a while, you've heard me talk about Craig and April and their upcoming wedding. Well folks, here they are in all their glory:

It was pretty spectacular and a little surreal for me to be standing beside these two as they committed the rest of their lives to each other. During the reception, people were making speeches and then the mic was handed to me. I should've started my speech with a disclaimer: I am horrible at public speaking, and I tend to panic when I have to make decisions in the moment, especially if these moments only come around once in a lifetime (like giving a speech at my best friends' wedding). However, I didn't and people had to sit still and watch something similar to a plane crash (this could be an exaggeration, but I don't think so. You be the judge!).

I started out asking my table about 58 billion times (maybe 10), "can you hear me? can you hear me?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!!" Each time more terrified than the last. [side-note: I guess you don't necessarily hear yourself in the mic like I previously thought you would.] I then followed up with, " I'm sorry... I don't do talking." Ya don't say... (This is what I imagine everyone was thinking by this time.) Then, as I was doing a balancing act of rambling and apologizing for my rambling, I thought of something I could direct my thoughts to! I made the announcement in full confidence, "Oh! This will make a great speech!" And in a split second, I realized that no matter how great my idea was, it would never come out the way I planned, so I immediately said, "oh, no it won't!" but began to tell it anyway. I think towards the end, I might have gotten something nice out, but at some point I'm pretty sure I stuck my arm straight out beside me. Who gives a speech like that?!

Once I sat down, my husband was like, "I thought you were going to talk about how they met or something like that." Oh that would've nice, huh Jakub, you should have told me that BEFORE I made an ass out of myself. Since I don't think I'll be getting a redo for them anytime soon, and I can't save this speech for their 50th wedding anniversary, I would like to offer up a little speech on here so Craig and April can know what I meant to say, and so that people will know I actually do have a brain! So everyone, imagine you're sitting around the tables, and you see the mic passed to me. I stand up and introduce myself...

Hi, I'm Rachel and I have known April for seven years and Craig for six. In this time, they have both been some of the best friends I could have asked for. I have known each of them separately and watched as they have each grown into the person they are today. A lot of times, people in love say things like, I wish we would've known each other sooner or, I wish we would've gotten together years ago. But I can say, over the years, I have seen them grow into the type of person that would perfectly complement the other. I have also seen them develop their relationships with God and learn to trust on him in the process of finding a suitable helpmate. This is something they both deeply wanted, and through God's perfect timing and creative order of things, they each found the one that would be able to stand next to them and help them through life.

They first met during our wedding shower in 2009. They both came over early to help get things ready and I remember Craig's reaction when he saw her. He would glance over at me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. If it were a cartoon, there would be hearts coming out of his eyes! Shortly after our wedding, they began to talk more and develop their friendship. It's amazing to me because I knew them both for so long and knew they were just like each other, but it never occurred to me introduce them until the situation presented itself. And boy, am I glad things work out the way they do because they both got what they wanted: someone special to share life with, to make it exciting, and to lean on when it's hard. Even though y'all have only been together for a short time, it's been a long time coming! Congratulations!

... Feel free to clap wherever you are, because that was much better than what happened last night and definitely closer to what I meant to say!

Again, Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Norred. Enjoy your first day as husband and wife today!

p.s. don't we make a cute couple?

Ukulele Lovin'

I've always wanted to learn to play an instrument but never fully committed because I thought I was either a) not cool enough or b) too old to learn something like that. I thought the only way to really be good at something is to learn it when you're young, so by default I was destined to a pretty boring life.

However, a few months back I was talking to my friend, Meg, and she mentioned that she taught herself how to play the guitar. I squealed out with excitement and pure jealousy, "No!!! I've always wanted to play an instrument but I just can't." And do you know what she replied with?! She simply said, "hey, you still can." Right then the clouds parted and a beam of light fell upon me; everything was different, it all made sense. Everything was brighter!

Ok, that's probably not true, but that's how it felt in my head. I had resigned myself to a life void of any musical ability, as if my life has already been set in stone. The way she said it, it was so obvious: I still can. Why had I never thought of that before?! I'm only 22 and I'd assume I have a lot of life left in me.

With this new revolution, I've been contemplating what kind of instrument would really tickle my fancy. Though I'm still weighing the options, I'm pretty drawn to the ukulele. This morning I was looking up some videos on youtube and came across this little boy:



Is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen?! If playing the ukulele can give me that much joy and passion (and range of emotions ha), sign me up! Maybe one day I'll be fancy enough to play a song and end it like he did: with an automatic "Tank you," as if he knows you liked what he just did!

Tightrope Walker

Does this make anyone else want to get up on a tightrope?! I feel this should go on my list of things to accomplish. It would definitely lead to a more successful life, no? I guess it depends on how you define success.

Hope everyone's having a happy Tuesday! Tonight I will be cheering on my nephew in his first t-ball game, along with the rest of my family. This sort of thing also leads to a more successful life.

Let's Get Lovey Dovey

photo via

If I am someone who feels God's love regularly, and still craves it more than anything, how much more does someone who doesn't get a taste of it. If I drink water every day, I'll still get thirsty and the water will refresh me, but how much more satisfying is it for someone who has been searching for water but not had a drink in several days?! How much more do they long for the touch of water upon their dry lips.

I watched a youtube video of the magician, Penn, who is a self-proclaimed atheist. He talked about how he had this experience with a Christian coming up to him after his show to give him a Bible and how genuine the Christian was. He said that he didn't respect people that didn't proselytize. Even though most atheists don't want people to proselytize he said, "If you believe that there's a heaven and hell, and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life or whatever, and you think that it's not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward...how much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize? How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible, and not tell them that?"

This thought has been with me ever since and has affected my entire being. Yet, I realized something last night. I was at church, praying to feel God's love, grace, peace, and joy. Then it hit me: people around me need to feel his love too. People that are certain God doesn't love them, doesn't give grace to them, doesn't give rest to them, and doesn't bring joy in their lives... they need to feel it too; they need to know, yes, they are unworthy, but God doesn't do things on the basis of our actions. His love is unconditional, truly.

I had been saying that I love my sister unconditionally, and I really believed it. If she keeps pushing us away and all I want is to be close with her, then I must love her unconditionally, no matter what she does. But really, I was loving her selfishly. I was loving her for my benefit. I was loving her so I could get what I wanted.

"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous"
        --Matthew 5:44-45

God loves me in an insanely beautiful way and I am supposed to mirror that to others so that it's not my love, but God's pouring out into the world. My love is jaded; His is pure. God gives out his love evenly and without thinking twice. He does it simply because he is good and altogether lovely. As a Christian, I am called to love like that, which is clearly impossible for me to do. That is why it is better to act as a mirror, so that it is God's love being shown and nothing of me but the willingness to shine for his glory.

I have had to prepare myself for the reality of my sister dying if she stayed in a deadly lifestyle. Last night, I realized, I have been certain that she would die, yet I never showed her Christ's love. She has never felt the kind of love that Jesus offers come through me. How could I be so selfish in a time when I have been so certain of destruction? My love should not be poured out only if she does things I agree with. I mean, really, how often does God agree with the things I do? Probably slim to none, and he still loves me with a jealous love.

Several years ago, I read in the book, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus, a saying that has captured my heart: "L'amour de Dieu est folie--the love of God is foolishness. And Jesus says it is a foolishness that is meant to call forth joy." God's love is crazy! Loving like this is so unnatural and scary, but when it's experienced, there is nothing so freeing! I am supposed to love recklessly, and without ceasing. I don't need to base my love for others off of what they can bring to the table; God satisfies me and gives me everything I need. Everything I need is in him, so I should be foolish with my love.

I don't want to hold my love hostage anymore!

p.s. Here's a few more excerpts from the book that I found highlighted when looking for this (read them, they're mmm mmmm good):

• The Tremendous Lover, in the words of Francis Thompson, has pursued us relentlessly and declared Himself without reservation. "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in My love."
• What does this mean for our own maturing into the fullness of Christ? In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul says, " If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" For Paul, a new creation meant a total renovation of the inner self, a change of mind and heart. It meant far more than the passive union achieved in water baptism. To be "in Christ, " he told the Philippians, means to have in you the mind of Christ Jesus, to think as Christ thought, to have the ideals Christ had, to throb with the desires that filled Christ's heart, to replace all your natural actions to persons, events and circumstances with the response of Jesus Christ. In a word, a christocentric life means to live in the heart of Jesus, to share His tastes and aversions, to have the same interests, affections and attitudes, to be motivated in everything by His loving compassion. It means making the habitual thought patterns of Jesus Christ so completely your own that truly "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."
• This was the triumph of the Spirit in a disciple named Francis from the village of Assisi. Romano Guardini once said that "Francis allowed Jesus Christ to become so transparent in his personality that his contemporaries called him 'the Christ of Umbrai'" Why are the personalities of so many pious and proper Christians so opaque? Why do we seldom hear what the old lawyer said of John Vianner: "An extraordinary thing happened to me today: I saw Christ in a man!" Why doesn't the radiant loveliness of the Lord stream from our personalities? In the definition of Noah Webster, we aren't we "diaphanous or easily seen through"? Why aren't we windows into Jesus, working, laughing, crying, playing, loving? Why aren't we transparent disciples?

p.p.s. I apologize if this is a jumbled mess of thoughts; I've had epiphany after epiphany and my little ol' fingers can only type so fast and I'm too excited to sit and organize these thoughts. I really appreciate each of you reading this honkin' post!