To Love Somebody

Three weeks have passed since Eisley joined our family. I don't know how to describe it, but she is perfect for us; she was made with the biggest dose of curiosity, just enough stubbornness, and too much sweetness to belong to anyone else.

Almost daily I think about all the little details of how she came into our lives, partly so I won't forget them and partly because I can't believe it actually happened. I had a lot of ideas about how her birth would happen, while still having limited expectations. I know I havent shared her birth story yet, but as much as it unfolded in a way i never expected, it was exactly what I needed it to be. What happened in those long hours have since given me so much comfort because I know just how far Jakub and I were pushed to our limits, and we are far stronger (together and individually) than I imagined.

It was the perfect way to start the journey into parenting: with all expectations thrown out the window and learning to take it moment by moment, knowing that we're capable of handling whatever comes. I feel so much stronger knowing that we made it through something I didn't want to happen, rather than my ideal scenario playing out.

I'm so glad that was our starting point as parents because things certainly haven't been as easy as I imagined. And it's even more important, knowing that every ounce of strength used in labor and the moments since, have clearly not come from my own doing.

While some days--and most nights--have been tough, this has been the absolute sweetest time of life. I've been filled with love and passion, and a hope about things that I hope only grows with time.
I'm pretty thankful for this little woman. In only three weeks she has taught me so much about humility, love, and peace.

It's so cliche but I didn't know this depth of love before miss Eisley James came on the scene and wrecked my world. It's a shame knowing she will have to live in this world for so many years before she has children of her own and finally gets let in on this secret kind of love. I guess I'll just have to smother her with kisses until she can feel it for herself.

A New Kind of Life

Let me tell you something... this past week has been nothing short of amazing. Little Eisley James Hartlieb was born last Tuesday, October 2, at 7:42 p.m. It's still hard to know exactly how to put into words what this little lady has done to my life. I knew I would have a love like never before, but to experience that love is completely different from just knowing that kind of love exists.

Not only have I experienced a deep love for my little girl, but my love and respect for Jakub has been expanded in ways I didn't know was possible or necessary. I thought I loved him as much as I could, but to go through the birth experience with him in such a vulnerable way, and for him to be my rock through it all, I am at a loss for words to describe just how perfect he is for me. And to have the chance to witness him being transformed by this new life has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You'll have to excuse me but with all these hormones, I'm just a big pile of sap.

 This first week has gone by so quickly but I've loved every minute of it with the two loves of my life. I'm planning on writing about the story of her birth, but that will have to wait for a day when I have more time and more words. Right now I'll just say thank you to everyone who prayed for us or sent encouraging words our way. We feel quite blessed at this moment in time.

Almost There

The past four weeks have flown by and  my due date has come and gone. I've been dilated to 1 cm since our 38 week midwife appointment, with little improvement since. It hasn't been as hard as I'd imagined to stay patient while waiting for this little fella. The past week especially has been pretty wonderful with all of the spontaneous little "last dates" for breakfast and coffee, or exploring the town. We've also had some really special times with our friends and I think this week has been such a great send off to how life has been, and we're now ready for this little person to join our lives.

Throughout the pregnancy, certain people have checked in with me to see if we're ready to be parents, to have this baby in our lives. Even a week ago when asked, we both just kind of sat there and then slowly murmured out, "we'll see," pretty unsure of what it would even mean to be ready. But yesterday morning, Jakub and I had a short conversation about how we're completely ready for this new phase. Note that I didn't say fully competent...who knows how that happens! But we don't have any reservations or last wishes.

 

I've been incredibly humbled by the generosity and love I've felt from friends this past week, and I think it certainly helps to feel ready knowing we're surrounded by people who really care for us. My brother's girlfriend has done several incredibly sweet things for me this week, including lunch, prayer, and flowers just because. One dear friend painted my toes because I couldn't reach them anymore.  A wonderful couple invited us over for a meal and we spent the most entertaining evening with them. And one loving lady stopped by with some sweet treats last night, when I was feeling less than graceful. I don't want to forget these little acts of kindness because they have meant the world to me, and sustained me in this waiting period. Jakub and I certainly feel blessed to be cared for in such tangible ways.

Hopefully this baby will make its appearance within the next week (I'm actually 41 weeks today--just behind on updates, obviously) I can only imagine the sort of love it'll experience from those around us, because lets face it, our friends and family may think we're neat but we don't stand a chance when compared to the soft skin and sweet smell of a little baby.

One More Down

I'll cut to the chase... this week something wonderful happened. I'm talking so good that for the past several days, the memories come back so fresh, it's like I'm experiencing it all over again. I'm wary to share this with you because it may take over an inappropriate amount of your life, but I feel like I wouldn't be kind if I kept it to myself.

photo via

That's right. A blueberry peach cobbler with a crust so perfect, you'll eat way more than you should. I made this recipe when we had some of our favorite people over, and even though I was going to my midwife for a weigh-in the next day, I ate the entire "single serving" ramekin that was before me. Jakub made some whipped cream that we put on top, and it was such a good combination that I didn't care if I gained 8 lbs from it, I wasn't going to leave one bit of it behind.

If you need a simple recipe that means business, choose this one. I couldn't imagine being disappointed by it. Any occasion would be the perfect time to whip this up.

As you can tell, I'm much rounder this week than I have been in the past, and the cobbler may have had something to do with it. [Worth it.] I feel like my belly has just exploded over the last few weeks, and I can't wrap my mind around the idea that we just have four more weeks left. 

You'd think I never learned about the birds and the bees because I keep asking myself, "how does this happen?!"

 At the midwife appointment that I mentioned earlier, I had gained a total of 32 lbs! I haven't mentally struggled with the idea of gaining weight this whole pregnancy, but I still have a couple weeks left and I was hoping that sort of number might be my end weight gain ha. I'm not worried though because I've been healthy and I feel great. The midwife did say as she was feeling around that we may be looking at an 8 pound baby. Now, yes, that is a larger size than I was hoping for, but I'll take that any day over my lovely husband's 11 pound entrance into the world.

Speaking of babies, I was sorting old pictures at my granny's house this week and found several of when I was younger. I'll just say this: if this baby is anything like me it's gonna take some time to adjust to this whole "being cute" thing. The only positive I had going for me as a baby was that I had a lot of hair (albeit static in almost every picture). But I was a pretty decent toddler. I know everyone thinks their baby is cute, but I can't see myself being completely blinded by love into thinking we got a hottie on our hands. If, on the off change that I'm not blind, I'll at least be able to hold onto the idea of potential. Because if I can do it, you can do it too little baby. (This is not to say I'll love my baby any less if it's not drop dead gorgeous. We'll just come up with other adjectives to describe them than the typical, "ohh this is the most beautiful baby in the world!" And really, that could be a good thing because then we can teach our kid that there's so much more to life than appearances).

Take for example, when you look down to see your 36-week-pregnant  feet swollen for the first time to the point where you can't hardly put your shoes on that you were wearing just a few hours earlier. No matter how normal that is for this stage of pregnancy, that's a good time to be reminded that beauty isn't everything. It's also a good time to be thankful for not being pregnant in the winter, when you actually need to have shoes on to go back home.

Week 36 was great, and the start of week 37 was even better. I'll be back later to talk about that.

35th Week

Over the course of the last several months, there are certain things I've noticed nobody seems to mention about being pregnant. Here's just a few I can think of at the moment:

 

• While everyone talks about constantly needing to pee, no one says anything about the increased cost you'll spend on toilet paper over the course of a pregnancy. It's been so shocking to me how quickly I can go through that stuff now that I'm heading to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes of the day. I guess I could've put two and two together, but I feel like maybe this should be in at least one of those articles on baby websites about "budgeting for baby" because it's an expense I certainly didn't consider.
• Get ready to be handicapped, or at least made to feel that way. I've had numerous people question if I should be driving simply because I'm pregnant. I know they are coming from a place of love, but I couldn't help but laugh the first time I was asked this. I don't understand why having a baby inside me suddenly makes my life hazardous. Maybe my pride is keeping me oblivious to certain things but I don't feel like danger is lurking behind every corner. I'm an able-bodied person and if I'm capable of birthing a child, I think I can handle driving a car, taking a hike, or wearing high heels. Although to be honest, you will not catch me in high heels anymore. Not because it's dangerous, but because I am enjoying comfort these days and I don't think yoga pants go with high heels.
• Another thing that caught me by surprise is just how entrenched some people can be in societal norms that, when you don't go along with them, people can't seem to understand why you would possibly do that. We've made a lot of decisions for this baby that aren't typical of American norms (but they are still completely safe and rational), and each step of the way has been met with people utterly bewildered as to why we wouldn't just do what is normal. I was expecting to hear plenty of unsolicited advice when I got pregnant about how to give birth and raise my baby, but I didn't think nursery colors or deciding to cloth diaper would be topics up for discussion too. Everyone has the right to do things the way they see fit, and other people shouldn't worry about little details unless it poses a risk. However, I'm fairly certain that choosing not to decorate in traditional boy/girl color schemes will not harm the child's psyche.
• No one told me that I was not allowed to have normal feelings during pregnancy. Or that my normal feelings would be taken as raging pregnancy hormones, even when I was simply expressing an opinion, completely void of any "raging" tendencies. Don't you hate when it's your time of the month and when you respond a certain way, someone puts it off as you PMSing? Well, after 8 straight months of that, it's gotten old. I am completely aware of the instances that my hormones made me react in a way other than I would ordinarily choose, and those instances have been very limited and Jakub is one of the only two individuals to witness them. And when my hormones do get the best of me, I am just a blubbering idiot, not a woman on a rampage. But, if you want me to go on a rampage, simply look at me crazy and tell me I'm being hormonal. Then I might turn into the pregnant version of the Hulk.
• Another thing no one mentioned is just how much it means when a perfect stranger tells you you look beautiful, or makes a sweet remark about your belly. A lot of times (in my experience) the people closest to you can respond to your changing body in ways that make you feel like you just busted into the room like the Kool Aid man. I'm sure their shock to how your growing is simply because, in all the time they've known you, you haven't had a 5.5 lb. baby inside of you. That's why it's nice to be in a place surrounded by strangers: they're seeing you for the first time, as a cute pregnant lady, and the chances that one of them saying something lovely is high. They're also more conscious of what they're saying to you. I've had the pleasure of having several people stop me just to tell me I'm beautiful pregnant, and it has always seemed to be when I needed to hear it the most. Having random people stop me to talk about my beauty is not something I'm used to, but it made me question: why aren't we all doing this to each other regularly?! It's an amazing thing and you should try it, whether you're pregnant or not.
• To be fair, a few people have told me this last one: it's really not that bad. I'm definitely in the phase where doing just about anything is inconvenient or uncomfortable, but people make pregnancy out to be so much worse than it really is. Maybe it all depends on your mindset and if you believe in all the stereotypical b.s., but my pregnancy has been great. Yes, I have broken down and told Jakub that I'm ready for the baby to come out, but it's purely for selfish reasons like when I want to sleep on my stomach, or fit into pants, or have a glass of wine. Just the other week, a woman at the flea market stopped to tell me that it's really not that bad. That people who have had bad experiences want to tell you all about it, but the people who had great experiences don't feel the need to stop you and tell you all the things you need to do or all the things that are sure to happen. She was referring to childbirth, but I think the same can be said for pregnancy. While I haven't gone through childbirth yet, I have gotten married, and people were doing the same thing with marriage. When we were engaged, just about all we heard was people saying, "oh, get ready..." blah blah blah. They made it seem like it was the end of happiness, and that the only way we could find happiness was to be the first one to make our spouse miserable. Yes, marriage can be hard work, but it's the most fun I've ever had. Pregnancy comes with it's inconveniences, but it's so rewarding and exciting to experience. And I can bet that childbirth, raising a baby, or any other new experience we have will have it's fill of difficulties, but will ultimately be outweighed by the goodness in it. 

So, to those of you that are pregnant or will one day be pregnant, don't take to heart all the advice everyone has to offer. Think for yourself and be confident in who God made you and the mind he gave you.

And to those of you who are related to, or in any way aware of, someone who is pregnant and you're thinking about putting in your two cents, shut it down! Instead, tell her she will love being pregnant, that she is strong enough to endure childbirth, and she will be a brilliant new mom. If you want to add even more joy and comfort to her life, tell her she's got a beautiful body. But not in a creepy way. That won't help anyone.

Six Weeks

Six measly weeks.

 That's how much time is left before my little family grows to three, before our lives are changed forever, before we each take on new roles and new experiences that make us into different people. 

Each day that passes brings more preparations that need to be taken care of for this expansion, but I can honestly say that I'm ready. At least for the moment, I'm ready. I'm ready to put in the work to get this baby into the world. I'm ready to see everything with new eyes, and I'm ready to experience it all with Jakub.

Most of all, I'm ready to show this baby what beauty the world has to offer. The past several weeks in particular, our time has overwhelmingly been spent in the company of some amazing individuals, some of which were perfect strangers. If there was ever a time in which I understood why God made us for community, it is now. My heart has been thirsting for a life like this, and it feels so good to be moving toward individuals the way I was created to. It's amazing how much richer life becomes when you take the time to be more intentional with the people around you, from the people standing next to you in line to the people you see day in and day out. I'm ready to show this baby what love can do in the world. And I know that sentence just oozes idealism and, perhaps to some, naivety, but I don't care! It's authentic and powerful, and that's enough for me.

Before I go I should probably give a little update because lets be honest, who knows how long it will be until I post again! I've been in my third trimester since I last posted and since then, I've had a few midwife appointments, ate my way through Oregon for the third time, had the most wonderful baby shower, and spent too many nights with incredible people up way passed my bedtime. Did I mention I'm up to about two naps a day on average? By that statement alone it's clear to see I'm living the good life! Until next time, friends!

75-Mile Dinner

I mentioned last week that Jakub and I traveled to the Canebrake to take part in an annual dinner that they put on. It's really a neat experience to be a part of; whether you're in the kitchen or seated at a table, everyone has a good time and Sam (the Chef and Owner) makes sure of it.

The dinner focuses on creating dishes only using ingredients that are within a 75-mile radius. They used a wide range of ingredients to show the versatile products that are readily available in Oklahoma. Jakub came up with one dish, based on his current love for foraging, and then helped the kitchen crew with the rest of the dishes.

I must tell you, I don't know what it's like to sit at most events like this, but it is so much fun to be in the kitchen! If you ever go to culinary events, you should enjoy knowing that not only are the people preparing your food working diligently and with focus, they're also thoroughly enjoying every moment of it.

I'm thankful that I don't have to resign to a typical "chef's wife" role, and that I get to actually help out in the kitchen and see everything unfold. Frankly, I'm not very good at socializing and schmoozing. I'm sure many of the other wives are great at it and they wouldn't give up their seat to stand in the kitchen for anything, but I love getting to see Jakub in action and I love getting to know the other cooks and chefs and see how they all interact with each other.

For those of you who are interested, this is what it looks like being in the kitchen:
[warning: there may be an absurd amount of pictures of Jakub and his plate, but hey, I've got a thing for this fella! Give me a break.]

With Jakub, there's always a lot of this going on (looking at notes and sketches, trying to plan it out).

He always does a test plate

See why I married him?

Always a lot of this

See what I mean?

They just can't get enough of each other

 

 

I just can't get enough of this guy

The dinner was great--everything went smoothly, the food was delicious, and everyone enjoyed themselves. Sam and his wife, Lisa, are such great hosts and it's no wonder they run such a smooth operation. I know I've said this before, but if you get a chance, you should definitely check out the Canebrake! You won't be disappointed.

26 Weeks, a Birthday, and Some Thoughts

 You know what's lovely? Having a chef for a husband on your birthday, because you get the most delicious breakfast in bed.

He made me brioche french toast stuffed with strawberries and mascarpone cheese with blackberry syrup, with a side of bacon and then homemade banana pudding (as if the french toast wasn't dessert enough), all with a big glass of chocolate milk. What can I say, the guy knows the way to my pregnant heart.

With each bite of the french toast, I kept saying to myself, "this can't be real. nothing is this good!" (And again, I was talking to myself so you know I wasn't just trying to make Jakub feel good about his efforts...I was dumbfounded). I'm pretty sure if you could see my face, you would have thought I was in pain. But oh, I was in heaven in the worst way. I also spent that time rethinking what my life would be like if I hadn't married such a fantastic cook, how sad and mundane my life would be if I had just married any ol' bloat. Then I couldn't believe that we had been together for almost five years and this was the first time he was making it for me! I almost felt like he was holding on me for all these years.

 He's made some incredible meals during our days together, but french toast is on a whole other level of goodness, and luckily this breakfast will find a permanent resting place on a special holiday yet to be determined. That way, our future kids will always have at least one thing to point to as proof that life is good, and that their parents are worth putting up with. Well, at least Jakub. I may have to find something up my own sleeve to keep them hooked.

Aside from being a great chef, Jakub is also incredibly thoughtful and can make even the most simple moments special. My birthday was filled with so many instances of this. From the gift he made to surprising me with a prenatal massage at the Canebrake--that's right, I got to go back to those massage rooms I was talking about in my last post, and it was a dream come true!--to the nighttime bike ride, and the midnight adventure outside, every moment was special because he was right there with me. I know this is just a big puddle of sap, but what can I say, he did this to me! There was no one else I wanted to spend each of those experiences with, and I was so thankful to be sharing those moments together before the baby comes.

It seems like the past 26 weeks have been a stockpile of amazingly ordinary moments that deepen our understanding of each other, both individually and as a couple, and highlight what sort of values we consider to be important for the future of our family.

I hope we both keep creativity at the forefront of how we experience life and demonstrate love. I hope we take the time to step out of our routines to enjoy little moments, and I hope we teach our children to be explorers and scientists, artists and thinkers. I hope we give them the encouragement to take risks and the confidence to know that we will love them no matter what. I want them to feel comfortable to talk to us about issues and I hope I'm in tuned enough to know what they need for each moment, whether it's encouragement or the opportunity to figure things out the hard way. Most importantly, I want them to know and feel the love of God. I want to teach them that it's more than doing the right things or having it all together; that some of the most important times in their lives will be when nothing looks like it makes sense. That in those moments, they need to be still and vigilant, because God will show up and do something out-of-this-world, but they'll miss it if they're not careful.

I can't imagine how hard it is as a parent to make the decision to let your kid make mistakes or learn things through difficulty. But I don't want to become their savior in circumstances and in doing so, make them miss the glimpses of God and his magnificent love and power. I don't want to get in the way of the things God could teach my children. As Meg reminded me the other day, God didn't say he'd keep you from the fire; he said that he would be with you through it. He didn't say he wouldn't let the water get too deep; he said he wouldn't let it overtake you. My kids will go through valleys and storms, but he'll be there and he can get them through it better than Jakub and I could.

Even though I have all sorts of ideas of what I think is important in a family and plans on how to get things accomplished, who knows what sort of parent I'll actually be. I have no idea what it will actually be like until I'm in the thick of it and until I learn how this little baby fits into our family. There are so many factors that go into a life, and a family; I just hope I remember to give myself grace in the moments I get away from the parent I hope to be. I guess those moments are there for parents to show kids that it's ok to be flawed. Hopefully my pride won't get in the way of showing them what it means to live in community with each other.

Man... there's just so much that goes into being a parent! How is there enough time to get all of this across in a way that they recognize it and hold onto it, without turning every moment into a lesson?

Oh geez, I'm doing it again; I'm worrying about things that will come in their own timing, and today is definitely not the day to be concerned with them.

25 Weeks And A Whole Lot of Happiness

This picture was taken the other day when we went foraging with the Chef and Owner of The Canebrake for a dinner Jakub is helping out with tomorrow at the resort. If you are wanting to get away, I'd definitely suggest this place. Sam is an awesome guy and really goes above and beyond to make you feel right at home. It should also be noted that I can't stop thinking about the massage rooms he showed us. I definitely need to go back for that!

As for today, I've just been overwhelmed with how lovely life is lately. I feel so lucky that I get to enjoy this summer break (and time before the baby comes) to do anything and everything that I feel so inclined to do, and I'm taking full advantage of it! Even though I have had plenty of time to do what I please in the past, I have never taken advantage of it quite like I am in this season. Even cleaning has become something I enjoy! The biggest difference between now and the past is most assuredly my mental state. The components of my life have relatively stayed the same, but not living every day in a pit of depression is quite possibly the most divine gift I've received.

Those days, weeks, and years spent in depression gave me a very special insight into myself and the world around me, but the days, weeks, and year since being in that pit have given me a fresh pair of eyes to see the beauty and love that's hiding in the most unsuspecting nooks and crannies of life. If you've read this blog for a while, you'll remember that last year God spent quite a bit of time teaching me to trust and follow him, and I was able to work through certain issues and completely let go of others.

Those moments in time spent with him have completely changed the everyday aspect of my life in a way I'd never imagined. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that not only was I able to move past the issues that held me in, but I was able to see such a dramatic display of God's love for me. And for all of that to happen before I entered into this stage of bringing a new life into the world just takes my breath away. I'm telling you, Jakub, the baby, and I would be in for a world of trouble if things hadn't worked out in the appropriate timing. I know this is quite the rambling post, but this thought has been with me since the moment I found out I was pregnant, and more and more each day I have seen the reverberating effects that that time has had on my life.

To be able to thoroughly enjoy every day--whether I'm folding laundry or trying out new recipes and projects--is a relatively new element in my life. It has taken some time adjusting to this new found spirit, but I am at the stage where I am unbelievably grateful for the humble life I've been given. Extravagant adventures are nice (and I get antsy to have my fair share of them), but it's so invigorating to enjoy the little things in life too.

Update: weeks 21-24

 When we came back from Chicago, we had our midwife appointment, and I was happy to hear that I finally put on some weight! Until then (or the previous midwife appointment), I had only gained 1 pound throughout the pregnancy. I was somewhat nervous because I should've gained more by then. But it finally caught up with me and in that month I had a whopping 8 lbs. of pregnancy added to me.

The night before our appointment (May 10th), Jakub felt the baby kick for the first time. I had to ask him if he felt it before he realized that that was the feeling he was looking for, but it was such a neat experience. Then the night before Mother's Day (May 12th), this little baby was kicking stronger than it ever had. When Jakub put his hand on my belly and felt it he just started laughing; I didn't even need to see if he missed it or not. It was so neat to finally get to experience it together rather than it be my own entertainment. Jakub's never felt a baby move inside of a belly before so I was so thrilled for the three of us to experience this together for the first time, each in a different way.

My mom also felt the baby kick on Mother's Day, and the baby was kicking just as strongly at that moment. This baby knows when to perform, and it was such a neat experience to share with my mom on such a special day. I'm not too keen on the holiday myself because it just sounds so grownup but I love celebrating it for my mom. And it felt like this was a present in itself, connecting us in a way that we had never known before.

On another note, somewhere between week 22 and 23, acid reflux came in full force and has been close beside me ever since. This is also the time when my new neighbors (hormones) started making themselves comfortable so this was one crazy week of changes for me (and Jakub).

For those of you who don't know, I'm planning on doing a natural water birth with my wonderful midwife, Ruth Cobb. At first we were planning on doing a home birth, but Ruth recently opened up a birth center here in Tulsa, and the tub there is calling my name! Not to mention the selection of loose leaf teas that I'm sure Jakub will be taking advantage of! Although I'd love to do a home birth, it seems like this would be the perfect place for us to welcome a baby into our family at this time.

I'm also planning on using the Hypnobabies  childbirth course for my birth. I started the course in week 23 and I am absolutely loving it! I started out studying Hypnobirthing, but this program seems to be much more complete in teaching you everything you need to know for pregnancy and birth. They also use the same techniques as individuals needing surgery who are allergic to anesthesia, so they have a higher "success rate" compared to hypnobirthing. Even if it doesn't produce a pain-free birth, it has already benefited me in changing my thinking habits about pregnancy and birth, as well as given me confidence in myself that I hadn't otherwise had. That in itself is worth the program in my opinion. 

Also, this is the week that I had to start putting effort into getting in and out of my car, getting dressed, and putting on shoes. I distinctly remember telling Jakub I never wanted to be obese because you have to put so much more work into getting around, and I like things to be as easy as they come.

 

In week 24 we had our last planned concert for the pregnancy. It was such a lovely show! Even if you don't like Bon Iver, I think you would've enjoyed the show. That could just be because my lousy "neighbors" decided to crash the party and I ended up crying through a good portion of the concert! I just couldn't take that much beauty, creativity, and spirit in one moment. I felt like a complete cheeseball, but luckily no one noticed!

I'm glad that my wild emotions don't just come out for ugly moments, when things aren't going my way. It makes me feel a little less crazy that I can feel so overwhelmed by beauty and peace, and by people enjoying a moment that it takes over me. It definitely makes me feel more human, and I feel like for this time I have a new perspective of the goodness of life and God's creativity. And for that, I can't complain.

Update: weeks 17-20

Life has just been getting away from me lately! I'm now in week 25, but I wanted to do a couple posts to catch up from my absence.

I left off on week 17. There wasn't much happening this week, but I remember loving spending this day with Jakub, exploring the woods and eating some wood sorrel that he foraged. It is such a peaceful memory that reminds me of how much fun I can have with this guy I married.

I remember feeling so big in this picture, and now I find that pretty amusing.

During this week, something unimaginable happened: I had signs of those erratic hormonal breakdowns that are synonymous with pregnancy. I thought up until now that maybe I would defeat the odds and remain completely sane during my pregnancy. I was sadly mistaken. However, they didn't come in their full force until a few weeks later. This week it was as if they were new to the neighborhood and just stopped by to introduce themselves. By week 23, they were showing their true colors and now (week 25) I feel like someone needs to be calling the cops to make a noise complaint.

The picture for week 19 was taken on our way home after our trip to see our baby kick and cuddle on the ultrasound screen. It seemed so much more real than the first two ultrasounds, where we were supposed to believe that the blob we were looking at was actually a baby. Up until that baby was on the screen, I was still convincing myself that I couldn't really be pregnant, that it was all in my head.

It was so exciting to see all of its little features, and to glance at Jakub as he watched this little being who was resting inside me. We didn't want to find out the sex, and luckily the technician did a great job at keeping things hidden (with the exception of two images, that each look to be telling of a different sex, which is a good thing I suppose because it keeps you guessing.)

Our due date got moved up a few days to September 20th. I was worried that we were going to have a big baby since I'm measuring three weeks further along, but thankfully this baby is being respectful to me at the moment and measuring at a normal weight.
 

Week 20 came with a much-needed trip to Chicago. I got to see my cousin, Margaret, and my aunt and uncle, as well as Grandma Puckett! I loved getting to have a glimpse into my cousin's life in Chicago. She really is one of the most interesting people I feel you could ever meet, so I felt rather privileged to have her to myself for several hours.

We ate at some amazing places while in Chicago! From Ria (a 2 Star Michelin restaurant) to Moto, the Aviary, and Hot Doug's, we ate to our hearts' content.

Jakub was pretty upset that we couldn't eat at Alinea. To make it worse, they called while we were in the air with news of an open table, but when Jakub returned the call it was already filled. To make it up to him, I just so happened to spot Grant Achatz at the airport just in time for Jakub to grab an autograph! It was such a funny thing to see him go from disappointed about not eating there, to super excited about the call, to completely bummed, and back to a grinning little boy after shaking his hand and knowing that his wife could spot a famous chef (perhaps better than he).

We had such a great trip, but it opened my eyes to how different a vacation is when you're pregnant!

I'll be posting the second half of the update soon, and then hopefully I'll get back in the swing of doing this regularly. It's awfully hard to keep track of things as time passes.

An Update

The past few weeks have flown by. I feel like time is speeding up--how can we already be this far along into the pregnancy?! These last few weeks have been such an enjoyable time spent together just the two of us. All the concerts, bike rides, and nights out with friends have not gone unnoticed. Neither have all of the times spent sleeping in or doing whatever we pleased.

I know this chapter of our life is coming to an end as another is just beginning. I know that once we have that baby in our life we won't be able to imagine who we would be without it.  But until that moment, I want to take every chance I get to appreciate what a great life I have already, living with my fancy guy and our two crazy pups. I want to take in every opportunity we have to understand each other more and to know how to work within our strengths and weaknesses. Because if there's one thing I've learned from my family about raising kids is that it can be one heck of a ride, and I want to be a family that stays together through it all. I want to be for my kids what my mom and dad was for me.

 I must admit, I've desperately wanted kids since we first got together. We weren't sure if it would ever happen, so when it did I was surprised by my reaction. Maybe everyone goes through this because it is such a life-changing event, but I was not excited from the first moment as I had previously imagined my reaction would be. In fact, I had many talks with God along the lines of, "listen, we really don't have to do this."

There were moments of excitement and joy, but for the most part I was terrified of what this meant. This kid is going to go through heartache and awful situations, and in many ways I am going to mess up as a parent. I was struggling with myself on trying to figure out how I might protect it from certain situations, but then also realizing that some of the worst situations I had been in is where God showed his greatest displays of love to me. I want to keep them safe, but how could I steal that opportunity from them to know just how deeply God cares for them specifically. I can imagine this is a struggle that will only increase as I come to know and love this person inside of me. But for the longest time I was gripped with fear about what lay ahead.

That is, until week 15 when a day came and I was utterly excited about this new life. No event or conversation sparked this new feeling, but I was content and at peace with everything I had previously been anxious about.

 

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I still have moments where I over-think what the future will bring, but I am overwhelmingly excited now. I don't know if it's because of all the events that have taken place this last few weeks or what, but it's getting more real and I'm falling in love with the idea.

Week 16 started out with a little DIY makeover of one ugly old dresser to be used for the changing area. We tried to pick a fairly gender neutral color because we may be waiting until the baby arrives to find out if it's a girl or a boy.

I'm not so sure I can hold out another 5 more months after perusing the baby clothes aisles with April last week! I stayed away because I had a feeling that it would make me go weak in the knees, and I was right! Thinking of this little person living in some of those cute outfits made it feel real in the cutest, gushiest way I'd ever experienced.

We also ordered the crib and mattress and assembled it right when it came to our door. As we were putting it together, I looked around at the dresser, stroller and car seat, and the crib that was now standing in my old craft room, and was stunned that this is legitimately happening.

In fact, it may be happening sooner than we think! At our appointment today, my midwife measured me and said that I'm measuring 3 weeks further along than I am... I'm measuring at 19 weeks! At our previous appointment, I was measuring about 2 weeks further along. This means that we're either looking at a big freaking baby or we may be further along than we thought! For my sake, I'm hoping for the latter. We'll know for sure when we go to our ultrasound next month what we should be preparing for: an earlier date, or practicing more squats to get my body ready for that enormous endeavor!

Either way I can't wait to do this with Jakub and the rest of our family and friends! What an adventure it will be.

Week Thirteen

Yesterday Jakub and I went searching for morels on our friend's land. Every time we go exploring there, it's a completely unique experience. I may be partial since it's the place we got engaged, but it's one of my favorite places in Oklahoma. Every time we're there I think about the past and where our lives are now, and just how lucky I am to be his wife.

Although we had no luck in finding morels, we had quite the lovely hike on the most perfect rainy day. It rained almost the entire 3 hours we were there, but there were a few breaks in the clouds so we grabbed the opportunity to take our weekly pictures. Here's a few of my favorites, but I must say, I love how talented my husband is.

I also love that I have a partner who loves to explore outside no matter the weather or circumstances. It makes me feel secure that our little one will have a full life, not limited by such trivial things as a little rain or what have you. I'm getting very excited in thinking about all of the experiences we will give our baby.

On some level, I worry about how other parents or adults might view our style of parenting. Although we haven't actually developed our own style yet, I see a lot of parents who constantly tell their children "no" and while I understand their reasoning behind it, I don't think that we will always be giving the same advice in the same situations. I'm thankful that I'm going to school for a career that gives me a lot of training and knowledge when it comes to the stages of life and what good parenting looks like. Like most parents I fully intend to be the best parent I can, but I think my view of a good parent looks different from a lot of the people around me. And while I obviously will care more about how my parenting is affecting my child, I will also be concerned that some things I may (or may not) do will offend, or at least inconvenience, those around me.

That went further off topic than I initially imagined, but it is a concern I think I need to "air out."

On another side note, nothing will make you feel freer than wearing some rain boots on a hike like the one we took yesterday. I've gone out to that land many times in my vans, having to vigilantly place my feet in a strategic pattern. But rain boots make you feel like you can conquer the world. I think I purposely stepped in every puddle, stream, or river on that property yesterday, each time with an air of confidence and rebellion.

The night before last, we went to an amazing concert. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, with Rocco Deluca opening for them, at the Cain's Ballroom. I love watching bigger bands perform and interact together. And they definitely brought an energy to the Cain's through their music and performance that set the crowd on fire. Granted, there were a bunch of hippies there, I'd never seen a crowd so collectively happy at a concert before. It was the baby's "first" concert and and it was such a neat experience. Speaking of, in the middle of one of the songs Alex, the lead singer, asked if anyone was pregnant there. A few hands shot up and he was like "wow!" and then after a short pause continued, " what I mean by that, is just the miracle of life...WOOOOWW!!!!" It was so funny to watch him get excited about that thought, and honestly so random. I mean, have you ever been to a concert where they interrupt for such a topic? It was certainly a first for me. 

I loved that night, and luckily the three of us have a couple more concerts to look forward to in the next week, and then also in April. 

I couldn't ask more for my life right now, I'm so content and feel so lucky to be a part of all that is happening.

Also on that note, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has offered support or well-wishes since we shared our news. It has been so heart warming to know we are so loved!

And one last thing about this past week (when I was 12 weeks), which I will keep it short because this is a long post. We had an appointment with our midwife and when she began to measure me, she exclaimed that I was growing right along, and then saw that I measured at 14 weeks! She said that there's a possibility I could be further a long than we are thinking, or the baby might have gone through a growth spurt. We won't find out until our 20 week ultrasound if we are as far along as we previously thought, or if this baby is just growing at its own pace (which hopefully will not equal a big baby!) I guess we'll just have to wait and see! 

Have a good day everyone! Thanks for reading!

One down...

Well my first trimester is over and done with. It was filled with so many unexpected feelings, ideas, and experiences, but I've really enjoyed it so far.

The greatest feelings came from getting to tell our family and friends in such creative ways, and none of them catching on until just the right time, and getting to feel their excitement and love for us.

I had no idea the wide range of emotions that come with the idea of becoming a parent and taking on the responsibility that lay ahead of us, but luckily I have some great friends to settle my nerves and re-spark my excitement every time I need it.

We found our midwife early on, and I'm so thankful that I did some research on the kind of birth I wanted beforehand so that I wouldn't be starting from scratch. I really feel like my midwife can offer me the best chance I have at the birth I want and I'm so excited to see how that will play out.

We had two ultrasounds in the 7th and 8th week, and it's amazing to look at them and think of how developed the baby is now. It's quite astounding that in a measley 6 weeks, the baby has grown from the size of a lentil to a lime! We heard its heartbeat for the first time on February 28th and that was an amazing feeling. I keep convincing myself that I'm not really pregnant, so I end up reliving the "I'm pregnant!" realization each opportunity I get to hear or see it live.

The constant nausea and fatigue ended on the sunniest day of my ninth week. This was the biggest blessing and I feel so lucky to have not gone the full trimester feeling like I had been. We also made our first baby purchase, and started moving things around to make room for this little lady (or fella).
 [we both think it'll be a girl]

In my tenth week, I started showing. While I understand it was probably only noticeable to me, I was so stunned because of how quickly I felt my body was already changing.

The eleventh week came and I started feeling flutters in my stomach. Now, I'm not saying for sure this is necessarily the baby since I've never known what that feels like, but it doesn't seem like it could be anything else. That, or I'm crazy. We also started a little library and record collection for this baby and I'm getting very excited of the possibilities with introducing it to the things we love.

Yesterday was 12 weeks and I feel like I'm well into "the fat stage" of pregnancy. However, I'm trying to enjoy each moment of this little roller coaster, instead of wishing for things to speed up or slow down, and that includes feeling like I'm trying to fit into clothes made for a little girl. I will certainly never take this stage for granted.

I'm now onto my second trimester and I hope it's filled with as much joy, adventure, and love as the first.

 I'll try to keep this updated as best as I can, but these next two months will be a ringer with school.