I know this chapter of our life is coming to an end as another is just beginning. I know that once we have that baby in our life we won't be able to imagine who we would be without it. But until that moment, I want to take every chance I get to appreciate what a great life I have already, living with my fancy guy and our two crazy pups. I want to take in every opportunity we have to understand each other more and to know how to work within our strengths and weaknesses. Because if there's one thing I've learned from my family about raising kids is that it can be one heck of a ride, and I want to be a family that stays together through it all. I want to be for my kids what my mom and dad was for me.
I must admit, I've desperately wanted kids since we first got together. We weren't sure if it would ever happen, so when it did I was surprised by my reaction. Maybe everyone goes through this because it is such a life-changing event, but I was not excited from the first moment as I had previously imagined my reaction would be. In fact, I had many talks with God along the lines of, "listen, we really don't have to do this."
There were moments of excitement and joy, but for the most part I was terrified of what this meant. This kid is going to go through heartache and awful situations, and in many ways I am going to mess up as a parent. I was struggling with myself on trying to figure out how I might protect it from certain situations, but then also realizing that some of the worst situations I had been in is where God showed his greatest displays of love to me. I want to keep them safe, but how could I steal that opportunity from them to know just how deeply God cares for them specifically. I can imagine this is a struggle that will only increase as I come to know and love this person inside of me. But for the longest time I was gripped with fear about what lay ahead.
That is, until week 15 when a day came and I was utterly excited about this new life. No event or conversation sparked this new feeling, but I was content and at peace with everything I had previously been anxious about.
*-I still have moments where I over-think what the future will bring, but I am overwhelmingly excited now. I don't know if it's because of all the events that have taken place this last few weeks or what, but it's getting more real and I'm falling in love with the idea.
Week 16 started out with a little DIY makeover of one ugly old dresser to be used for the changing area. We tried to pick a fairly gender neutral color because we may be waiting until the baby arrives to find out if it's a girl or a boy.
I'm not so sure I can hold out another 5 more months after perusing the baby clothes aisles with April last week! I stayed away because I had a feeling that it would make me go weak in the knees, and I was right! Thinking of this little person living in some of those cute outfits made it feel real in the cutest, gushiest way I'd ever experienced.
We also ordered the crib and mattress and assembled it right when it came to our door. As we were putting it together, I looked around at the dresser, stroller and car seat, and the crib that was now standing in my old craft room, and was stunned that this is legitimately happening.
In fact, it may be happening sooner than we think! At our appointment today, my midwife measured me and said that I'm measuring 3 weeks further along than I am... I'm measuring at 19 weeks! At our previous appointment, I was measuring about 2 weeks further along. This means that we're either looking at a big freaking baby or we may be further along than we thought! For my sake, I'm hoping for the latter. We'll know for sure when we go to our ultrasound next month what we should be preparing for: an earlier date, or practicing more squats to get my body ready for that enormous endeavor!
Either way I can't wait to do this with Jakub and the rest of our family and friends! What an adventure it will be.
