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This is where I'm at. I'm so excited about life and what it holds. This feeling is rather new to me, so it's like I'm starting from scratch. "The fear of the unknown" goes all the way to what I want to do, not just how to do it. (I hope that makes sense)
I'm not good with decisions. The finality of them (or the appearance of finality) has kept me from making many. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll say I'm indecisive. I don't like to pick where we sit in a movie, it takes me forever to order something off a menu, I get terrified if I'm the one left to make a decision. I think this is for many reasons but they all boil down to fear. Fear of being wrong. Fear of my thoughts or ideas being rejected. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of being the one in control. You name it, I probably fear it.
I don't like being the one with the final word. In life, I am the one who has the last say in every decision and choice I make. No one else has control over me and the way I lead my life. My day to day actions and the dreams I have for myself are mine and I'm the one that chooses the path to get me there. This has left me at a stalemate in nearly every area of my life.
Thankfully though, I am shedding my life of fear and trading it in for a life of curiosity. The past months have shown me that even though I determine which way to go, God ultimately has the final word in the outcome of my path. If I would stop trying to control my situation by worrying and would leave the decisions up to God and simply take a step as He leads, I could enjoy the journey instead of resisting every step of the way. This is where I'm at.
[sidenote: How much sense does it make that I don't like making decisions, but I am a controller?!]
I can stop living based on the lives of others--People my age should be done with college. They should at least have a firm plan with what they want to do with their lives. etc--and give myself the freedom to be who I am. To go where I'm called. To live the life designed for me. To even have the courage to find out what that life is.
So, do I know where I'm headed? Heck no, but I sure am curious. : )
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
AGAIN MY DAUGHTER..IT'S SO NICE TO SEE AND HEAR YOU "GETTIN IT"...."REALLY GETTIN IT"!!! AND WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MOMENT OF "GETTIN iT" ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE? THERE WILL BE TIMES ALONG THE WAY YOU WILL HAVE TO "RE-GET IT " BUT IT'S JUST AS GOOD THAT TIME AROUND TOO. LOVE YA MARIPOSA
ReplyDeletethat's true momma :) I'm glad that life gives us opportunities to "re-get" things over and over and each time it's seen in a whole new way.
ReplyDeleteI've graduated, have a job in what I studied.. and STILL have no idea if what I'm doing is supposed to be what im doing.. know what I mean?
ReplyDeletep.s: does your mom speak spanish? [I ask 'cause I see that she called you mariposa :) That's sweet]
Well that's certainly a surprise! I guess it shouldn't be, I always assume everyone else has it more together than I do. I guess that's the good thing about growing up, you start to learn to loosen up on yourself and see that you've got time to figure things out : )
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't know how much she speaks anymore. We all used to know much more when we went on mission trips to Costa Rica and my parents were also involved in a hispanic church. I think now she just knows bits and pieces ha