Let me just preface this by saying that I don't plan on many posts being like this, but I feel I need to write this for three reasons:
1. It will explain why it's been quite some time since I last posted.
2. It's the only thing I've been able to muster up the energy to write about.
3. The name of my blog is "This Liminal Life" and this is certainly a state of liminality that I'm in. A change is gonna come and in many ways, has already begun. This is a pretty huge step for me in going from who I was to who I'm going to be so I feel I owe it to myself to document it.
On to the main event... (and I'll try to keep it short, which everyone around me knows is hard for me to do, so I won't keep any promises but feel free to stop reading at any point).
Lately, I've been pretty darn depressed. Most days I can't get out of bed, I have absolutely no motivation to do even the things I love (including writing on this here blog), and my mind is in a constant downward spiral. I've seen the commercials for anti-depressants and when they list the symptoms associated with depression, I see that on paper the way I've been lines up right along them, but I don't think the commercials do a great job at demonstrating how painful and paralyzing each symptom feels. They kind of just float through the list without showing the weight of each word.
But this depression isn't new to me, it's a constant in my life. (And I know that I'm not the only one going through hard times or depression, that this is the real world and depression is common to many people). However, it was yesterday as I was putting on my makeup, that I realized it's been eight years of dealing with depression on a regular basis. I've been depressed more often than not and that was a hard pill to swallow. I've let it go on for too long without getting outside help. I've tried to fix it myself when really, I have no idea how.
I was kind of taught early on in my depression that it was wrong to seek the help of medication or therapists so I tried to deal with it myself, which led to some pretty awful coping methods. I know that may not be an excuse for some, but hearing that when I was fourteen left a big impression on me that was hard to shake. My family meant well, and their advice may work for them, but I'm finally starting to see that it hasn't worked for me.
Now this is where things start to take a turn.
I think the biggest moment that started to push me forward was the realization that this isn't the way my life has to go. There's help I can get that will keep me from being paralyzed by doubt, guilt, fear, and insurmountable sorrow. These feelings don't have to defeat me.
I started reading a book my mom got me for Christmas that I've wanted since it's release: "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years" by Donald Miller.
In it he talks about how he had the chance to edit his story when offered a movie deal about his life. He makes the connection that our lives are like stories and all the great stories go to those who don't give into fear. The point of the story isn't about the ending, it's about the character being changed and overcoming circumstances to get what he wants. He helps you to see how important it is to live a story worth living and to do that, every character needs an inciting incident: a doorway through which the protagonist cannot return.
I needed an inciting incident. Heck, I needed 20! I reached out to my friends and got references to counselors and psychiatrists and started the process, which I am so thrilled about. But the biggest I-have-to-do-something-that-I-can't-go-back-on inciting incident was signing up with my husband to compete in Warrior Dash! It's a 3.24 mile race filled with 13 warrior-like obstacles: jumping over fire, climbing hay bales, going through swampy water, climbing up a cargo net, and crawling underneath barbed wire to name a few.
Doesn't that look like fun?! Jakub and I have been wanting to get in shape for quite a while but haven't been able to follow through because we haven't had something that gives enough motivation, and I think this is just the thing to get our butts into gear! It's not a typical race; there's adventure and thrill to it.
Today was the first day of "training" for me and I have to say, I feel so overwhelmingly empowered. Without realizing it, I did a combination of running and walking for an hour (started out walking 5 minutes, then ran every other minute, and finished with 5 minutes of walking) and I actually went SIX MILES! I didn't even think I could do one! This helped me to see that in every aspect of my life I should be telling myself that I can succeed, I can do what others thought I couldn't, I can do what I thought I couldn't.
This post certainly wasn't for the faint of heart, but if you read all of this, I greatly appreciate it! I'd love to hear if anyone else going through an inciting incident of their own!
Woman you are impressive.
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