Pride is a sneaky little thing. It weasels its way into situations so smoothly you can hardly recognize it as what it really is. I'm noticing more and more how it shows up in my life and I've got to tell you, there's not a more humbling moment for me than when I realize how much pride I have. See, it's tricky!
Without a proper diagnosis of the problem in any particular situation, you can tend to think that the world is against you and develop a strong amount of self-pity, which isn't good for you or anyone around you. Take yesterday for example:
Jakub was participating in a yearly event in Oklahoma City with other chefs called Odyssey de Culinaire. It's probably my favorite event we do each year; getting to work with chefs showcasing their talents and taste such delicious food while raising awareness for ProStart programs is an unbeatable combination. I feel so lucky that I have had the opportunity to tag along with Jakub into the kitchen to see a side of the food industry that many don't get the opportunity to experience.
However, I'd be lying if I said everything went smoothly, at least in order to get there. The whole morning was full of things not going according to plan. It was almost comical, and if I hadn't been so mad I would have laughed! It felt like I was on candid camera; there's no way this is all happening by coincidence, I thought. Jakub was at work getting everything together while I was at home tying up loose ends and making sure our two pups were taken care of. I'm not sure how Jakub's morning went, but mine was no walk in the park. Everything I needed to do ended up having more steps than I would assume is socially acceptable. By the time I dropped Jax and Charlie off at my mother-in-law's, I was afraid I might hurt someone.
(In fact, as I walked out of her house, I heard some leaves rustling and instantly thought what if someone's waiting around the corner to kill me?--yes, I know that's a stretch, welcome to the inner workings of my mind--but my initial reaction was go ahead and try, I dare you!) I was ready to whoop some butt! And if you don't know me, that's quite a distance from my timid, people-pleasing self.
[side note to the current side note: there have been several times I've called my
mom because I heard a noise or seen someone outside my house and didn't know
what to do, and each time she's said, "Well Rachel, you just gotta get mad." I never
knew what she meant or how to do it. But now I know. I normally don't have a
steady amount of anger or stress in my life and I think you need that to be able to
"get mad" to protect yourself.]
Anyway, it turned out to just be a pile of leaves instead of a murderer. But the point is, I was angry. I was fed up with things going wrong and having to do stuff that I really wasn't in the mood to do. At that moment, I felt like I was punched in the gut. The problem wasn't that everything was going wrong; the problem was my desire to preserve my own comfort. I was more worried about how circumstances were affecting me and my time and my enjoyment (read:sanity) rather than doing my part in making sure everything was taken care of so my husband could be focused on his dish without worrying about what was happening back at home. And because of that, I was lashing out at everyone around me.
I can't tell you how much the issue of pride is reoccurring in my life right now, and it's a hard lesson to learn because it comes in so many shapes and sizes. I started to realize that many of the problems I have in this world are largely due to the issues of pride and preserving my own comfort. But this is a lesson I'll gladly learn over and over in order to become more like Jesus. The only way I can effectively be a servant of Christ (and ultimately demonstrate his kind of foolish love to others) is to have a mindset of humility. Otherwise, I act like I toddler, kicking and screaming, through the moments that are meant to bring life. I should not be concerned with making sure my life is comfortable and just the way I like it, because that is not the kind of life I am called to. Thankfully, God is reminding me of this in so many ways each day and he isn't giving up on me.
In my last post, I said that living outside yourself is the only way to really live, and that I was beginning to see that. Well, it looks like I'm still needing to open my eyes a little wider.
Haha...I couldn't help but laugh because I've experienced it too. Again, it's sooo great when we realize that truth about how we end up being angry because we want life to go our way and be comfortable and see that old selfish I gets in the way. Unfortunetly, because we are all soooo selfish, this is a constant struggle, so atleast we can recognize it and repent and try again and hopefully we get better and better at dying to ourselves. But again, I'm the 1st to admit to this constant struggle.
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