I'll try to make this as organized as possible, we'll see how that goes : ) Also, I should note, I'm probably going to share some very personal things about me and my family. Please don't take it as me airing out my laundry, asking for pity, or pointing the finger at anyone. I'm saying this stuff so that you see how wonderful God is and how he works with every situation in your life to bring about something beautiful. I probably won't go into details with my sister because I don't think she'd appreciate that. But as for me, I'm an open book so if anyone wants to know anything more than what I put on here, feel free to ask.
With all that said, lets begin.
I don't wanna go back too far, but I think it's important to say that I was raised in a Christian family, but my parents weren't. They had a lifestyle that was far from anything you'd picture of them now. But when they had an encounter with God, they were drastically changed! I grew up seeing God provide on a regular basis. We were poor but we had complete faith that God would supply everything we needed, because He did. Our parents modeled for us what real Christians look like.
Now this backstory has several different topics you need to know in order that you see the full picture of what took place this weekend. My family life, my personal issues, and the events that took place in order to get me here. We'll start with my family.
My sister has always had to learn lessons by making her own mistakes. Because of that, she's definitely taken the hard road to life. Granted, she has gone through a lot of hardship growing up that has made it hard for her to trust people, to listen to authority, or even to know who she is. Because she hasn't worked through all of her hurts, she's been searching for comfort and validation in all the wrong places. Having to watch her go through these things has been a heavy burden for my family to bear.
That's an understatement.
It has been hell. We have been dragged through the mud trying to help her see that there's a better way. The focus of most of my family life has been, how are we gonna get her out? When will she stop settling and living way beneath her design? I cannot describe to you how many nights we've had to pray that she will make it through, or how many times I've been certain that I would have to bury my sister. That's a hard thing for a sister to feel. There has been issue after issue come up over the past 8 or so years, that we have all thought we've been pushed beyond our limit, that there was no way we could handle one more thing; surely it couldn't get any worse. To say our faiths have been tested by her would be an understatement.
There would be signs of hope, and we would cling to them like you wouldn't believe. We've always had faith that she would come back, to God and to us. That if she would just wake up, she would know what love, peace, and joy really felt like. We always had faith that this season would end, but we thought it would've happened a long time ago. We thought it would've at least happened by now. And through it all, we've seen how God works things together for good. Things that we thought would be the end have reunited the family. The story of my beautiful nephew is one example.
Now lets talk about my issues. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (14, if you wanna know the truth). If there's one thing that'll mess with a little girl's mind and the way she feels about herself, that'll do it. Two weeks after that, I was raped. (Then I had to spend the semester in several classes with him. When a friend had told him that I told her about what happened, he stood in front of the class and told everyone about it and said that I was making it up. I sat paralyzed and everyone believed him.) I had family issues. All I wanted was to be like my sister (like every baby sister) but she had her own things she cared about. I lost all my self esteem. I used to cut myself and starve myself. My parents were completely unaware of most of these things for years and still may not know some of them. I didn't have anyone to talk to that could relate with the things I was going through (at that time). I kept trying to find validation in guys, which obviously just led to feeling worthless. I was hung up on the guy I lost my virginity to for years, and he knew it, which is why I think he strung me along. (He was a nice guy, but he played with my mind.) No one ever seemed to believe me about anything. I almost died when I was in the hospital and my sister was too drugged up to come see me. But her ex boyfriend (who was the greatest role model) drove all the way up to see me. Two years later he was killed. The year after that, the guy I lost my virginity to killed himself and his girlfriend. The fear of death and the finality of it impacted every decision I made, every thought, every moment of my life. The one good thing that came out of it was I would never again have thoughts of killing myself. No matter how depressed I got, that would never be an answer again.
I knew pain, sorrow, and loss. But through these times I also knew great joy, peace, and happiness. Although I've gone through things I wouldn't wish on anyone, I have seen God at work through them. Because of my sisters decisions, I've seen what unconditional love looks like. No matter what she does all my family wants is to have her close to us. It has shown me that if we can love like that, how much more does God! I have seen God work through situations, but no matter how close I was with Him, I always felt like there was some sort of wall or barrier that kept me from really experiencing all He had (I'll talk about this on another post). And I could not get out of my depression, no matter how long it had been since it started, it was just as deep.
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