I felt like I needed to make the journey a new post because that one was getting pretty long!
Back in November, I was having quite a few doubts. I forget where it is, but you know that verse in the Bible that talks about how there will be a feast, and there's some that have been around for a while but they won't be invited to the table? Well, I was fearing that I might be one of them. I have been a Christian most of my life, I had experienced His presence, but did He really want me at His table? Maybe initially He did, but then He changed His mind when He saw how wrecked I was. This wasn't just a thought I had, I was terrified. Maybe I really don't belong to Him, maybe I've just been hanging around but He has no real plan for me to be apart of His family.
Shortly into these thoughts, I was invited by my best friend, Isaac, to come to one of his shows the next day. I hadn't seen him play drums in years and I was so excited to see him! I brought my other best friends, April & Craig. Somewhere in the show, it turned more into a worship service. I don't remember everything, but I remember the theme seemed to be about liberation. A man came up on stage and talked a little and asked if anyone there was wanting to experience God in a new way, if anyone was needing liberation. Everything He was saying was everything I was needing. I started to get really scared because I knew I had to go up there. I knew I had to step out in faith and follow. [If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I don't like putting myself out there. I'm too scared of what people will think.] Several girls went up and were being prayed for. I said to God,"listen, you can speak to me here, I'm willing to listen. I don't want my friends to look at me weird or think I'm crazy." That wasn't good enough.
The man said, "there's still someone that needs to come down here, you better come quickly." Are you kidding me?! Does he know about me? Is he gonna keep going until I come?! Would he call me out by name? I was too scared to find out, that's for sure! It took everything in me to take that first step, but honestly after that, I don't remember taking the steps; it was like my body shut my brain off and moved on its own. All the sudden I was there.
Three women prayed around me. One was speaking in tongues, one was speaking in tongues and then also speaking regularly. And one girl was praying quietly to herself. This went on for quite a while, and as they kept praying, the girl praying to herself began to weep while constantly saying "yes Lord." Did she know what was going on with me? Why the heck is she crying?[I guess I should just say here, this sort of experience, I'm not used to. I grew up baptist so speaking in tongues is new to me.] The woman speaking in tongues told me that I've held onto these things for too long, and I needed to give it to God. The other woman told me that God kept saying to her, " that's my baby girl, that's my baby girl." and that He sees me crying every night and that He bottles up all my tears; He has them all. Then the man that was speaking came and prayed for me. He spoke in tongues and then he said, " you used to be a happy girl, but someone came and took that from you. you need to let go, you need to surrender it to God."
As they were praying for me, waves of peace would come over me. Every time I'd start to get lost in the pain, another wave would come. I knew that everything they had said to me was from God and that there were gonna be some changes in my life. I didn't realize before this that I was holding onto stuff, but I knew I needed to find out what it all was and then start working towards releasing it. He was answering all the doubts I had with those people. To hear Him say, "that's my baby girl" meant that all the fears I've been having were not validated. He does see me, and He's got me. I had been crying every night, I was so depressed for so many reasons, but that wasn't outside of His care.
For the first time in a long time, peace was with me that night. Those four strangers knew more about how I've felt than my friends in the same room. God had plans when Isaac invited me the night before and I was blessed. I was blessed more than I imagined before I took that first step. The risk was well worth the reward.
After that night, my journey started and I was moving towards letting go of all that I'd held onto for so long. I started going to counseling and that was a huge help for me. There were several moments throughout my daily life that pointed me along the journey.
At the same time, there were still problems going on with Jess, my sister. We had started a Bible study with some of our friends, and my mom and I joined another Bible study too. Then my mom had the idea to go to a Women's Encounter at Greenwood Christian Center. She'd heard about it before and we thought that would be the perfect thing to take Jess to. She's the one that needed it, right? I was sure I would get something out of it because I always do at women's retreats, but this was for her. (I say this now with complete sarcasm, but initially that's what I thought.)
We were signed up: Jess, Cameron (her friend), me, and my mom. We were ready to go, but we had no idea what was about to happen.
Now that you have the backstory, tomorrow I'll start sharing the actual story of this weekend. Thanks for reading friends!
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