The Encounter pt. 2: The Goals

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Today will be a much shorter read than yesterday's posts, I promise : )

On the Friday night after the first message of the weekend (which I'll talk about tomorrow) we split up into small groups. My small group leader, Tammy, wanted us to set goals, so we could have a purpose for the weekend and to see if it started working itself out. To be honest, I had never really set goals before when going to a women's retreat. I always just thought I'll get what I get and that's what I'm supposed to get. As the first two ladies went, I was trying to figure out exactly what mine would be. Then it was my turn. I wasn't completely nailed down on my response, I didn't know if I should go deeper or what, but I felt like that's the one I needed to say.

"Healing. Not only for me, but for my family."

I knew that I needed healing for myself, I had been on a journey of letting go of my issues for a few months. But as I said the last part of my goal, I broke into tears. Heavy tears. I could barely speak.

After everyone said theirs Tammy said that we would all get an answer to our goals. It may not come to completion over the next few days, but it will be started here. That was encouraging, and I got excited at the thought of it, but honestly, did I think this one weekend would start the process of healing for myself or my family? No, I didn't. My family has had constant issues with my sister for 8-10 years. I have prayed for healing for us over the majority of that time, all I wanted was my sister back and for us to be whole again. Any time there has been signs of hope, I've thought ok, this is it. it's going to happen now! But I've been wrong every time. Even though I knew God worked in His own time, I thought it would've happened at least by now, which is why I've come to really not expect healing any time soon. But I went along with it.

That night, as I was laying in bed, I started reflecting on my goal. It took me by complete surprise that I had reacted as strongly as I did. I knew that all the drama in the past with my sister had upset me, but I never looked at it as anything I needed to get over or let go of. God was showing me that it affected me a lot more than I imagined. I started remembering things she had done years ago that were still causing me so much pain. I thought about her not sticking up for me when her friend raped me, or not visiting me in the hospital six years ago. But what hurt me the most was that she hadn't asked me in years how I'm doing or what's going on with me. I felt so unloved by her. At that very instant, I got a text message.

"u doing ok?"

It was from Jess. She asked me how I was doing! I don't think anyone will understand how huge this was for me. What I had been needing from her for years, she gave to me in the moment I was realizing how much it held me down. Coincidence? Heck no! That was God! It was His way of saying, "you better believe it, baby! I'm bringing your family back together! Now, get on board!"

At least that's how I took it : )

God showed me that even if all the drama stop TODAY with Jess, I still won't feel healing for my family until I let go of all the pain she's caused me. The reason why our family isn't whole, isn't just because Jess keeps doing bad things, it's because we're all full of bitterness and holding onto the mistakes made years ago!

This was such a shock to me! I thought I knew all my issues since I was going to counseling. I knew I had to learn to deal with the rape, being mistreated by guys, dealing with death, low self esteem and things of that nature. I had no idea the pain from my sister was the biggest issue of all! How wonderful is it that we ended up going to this encounter! Otherwise, I wouldn't have discovered this, at least not any time soon!

After this moment, I was on board. This weekend was going to be a game changer. But I still had no idea just what He had planned to show me.